An update

Its been some months since I last wrote in my journal, seems life has become so busy again I no longer have time to sit and write about how I feel, or perhaps more to the point I don't have the need to do it as much as I once did.
Following on from the last post we, I survived Christmas it came and went with little fuss, we spent the morning, Georgia, Todd and I at the beach bright an early, they went for a surf and I sat and watched, we were met later by my Friend, her hubby and kids and we had breakfast at the beach, it was really quite nice and Georgia had a great time, we shall do the same this year I think.
My daughter went off to America, she had a good time and I survived without her. We spoke often on the phone, she got a little home sick and I cant cant describe the feeling I had when I saw her arrive back at Sydney airport safe in my arms again..
we settled in to 2009 with nothing major planned, I really wanted to re assess my work situation as I was getting very over caring about other peoples stuff, I plodded on for many months as usual looking for a way out, knowing that I didn't want to jump into the same kind of work I was already doing, don't get me wrong I liked my job and the people I worked with I just more time wondering why, whats it all for..anyway I continued to work at the little ladies gym where I worked as a casual, I also decided to join another personal gym for me, somewhere where I could get re motivated, where someone could get me back into the land of the living, I was able to do work that was no problem, its the living at home without the kids that's the continuing hard part. I plodded on at this personal gym until I got to the point where I was offered a job there, I loved it once again I was 'enjoying' something, I make note of that because I said I would never enjoy anything again let alone an old passion of mine the gym, but anyway I was enjoying it , I love to help people achieve and motivate others, in doing that you help yourself as well, well that's how it works for me, anyway just this Sept, the 1st to be precise I took over ownership and management of the gym, its a scary and exciting time with lost of change and some very big learning curves.
Initially I thought it would be great because I work in the morning an the evening giving me the middle of the day to me, if I didn't want to work I didn't want to work I didn't have to if I wanted to shop I could if I wanted to watch TV I could, how wrong was I , so far I haven't had much time at all to my self, but there is a different sense of motivation when you know your only dealing with your own stuff and that everything I do will be for us.
My daughter thinks she might like to be PT in the army (this month) but is in to sport anyway so this business will help her. My husband takes care of all the financial stuff as that's just not my thing and my brain is not really up for it, I still get every easily overwhelmed and have to stop and pull back every now and then. I don't think my mushy brain will ever go away but it certainly has improved.

As for my heart well, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of my beautiful boys, Mat will be 21 next year in June I'm already trying the fathem another 21st without the actual child, my big boy would be a young man now of 23, who knows what he would be doing now his mate is at UNI and now has a girlfriend, all the things my sons will never get to do, I guess I kind of live vicariously through those young men now and wonder what mine would be doing.
Sometimes I feel slack that life goes on, that I have gone on, and guilt still washes over me on occasion when I feel I am actually happy about something, I expect that will always be the case.

I miss my boys terribly and I know that pain will never leave me, I often get sick of people telling me your boys would want you to be happy, its only words really, who knows what they would want, I ll never know all I know is that I have to live the best I can for Georgia, she needs me so that drives me on.

Relationships are still a struggle from time to time clearly that close connection with people is something I still need to work on, hard to love really closely when your heart is broken in two and that's how I still feel.
All in all I guess I am living proof that you can survive the loss of a child, you can build a life again and you can get used to the new normal you have to create.

Thankfully for me I have two passions, my support group HOPE which is still going strong, we are even about to build a children's memorial garden dedicated to all of our angels and my road safety project ROADwhyz is just getting bigger and bigger, we have now seen over 5000 young drivers and drivers to be, the message is powerful and in some small way helping to change young peoples behaviour about how they use the roads.

Things are all going OK, we have Christmas approaching again, we have plans in place and will also go away for a week, which I am looking forward to, again as you can see you can look forward to something as well, I remember my mentor on this journey, Vera telling me that I thought she was full of, well you know what, but as she promissed it is all ok, you can do it an the tough days seem to get further apart... Besides I know the boys are with me so I will try to do my best to be a role model for them just as I have always tried.

Christmas

Only 3 sleeps till Christmas, ONLY... I have only got three days to go and I can say I have survived another without my boys, the 4th as I have previously mentioned.
For anyone who has lost a child its a particularly tough time, as if any day isn't tough, but these 'special' holiday events are tougher than usual. Its a time when we are all supposed to be happy, excited and family orientated but I have to say its hard to feel any of those things when you have children missing from Christmas morning. I am trying real hard to think of others who are in the same situation or even worse situations than me, trying really hard to focus on what I have rather than what I don't, but gee whiz its hard, it takes a lot of brain and heart power to stop the sad overwhelming the blessed that we should feel, after all I have Todd and Georgia, some people have no one....

What I have noticed this year is that although I am sad and just wishing it was all over I haven't had those feelings for as long as in previous years, its really only been the last two or so weeks that I have felt overwhelmed with the fact that they are not here, that in its self is an improvement I guess, another small step.

This will also be my first Christmas without any medication, finally after 3.5 years almost of being on anti depressants I am off them, I decided to ween my self off them some time ago, its taken a process and its been hard, I have had several melt downs along the way, just that overwhelming sense of despair, then I had to go through the headaches and nausea that accompany withdrawals but all in all I think I am doing OK, I am still feeling the effects of withdrawal but only slightly and have yet to see how I handle my first big event medication free but one can only try, I never intended to be on them for long and lets face it this is a life long journey, I have to handle it myself eventually.

My daughter goes away for 3 weeks to America in January, not sure how I will handle that, well I do actually I will make sure I am busy with work, its a great experience for her and one that I am proud to say we are able to give her, I feel also that while she is away I will have to put on the brave face a little less, as there are some days that I would really just like to come home and not function in this house, those days where I would just like to sit and be quiet. sadly it is still the case that I give so much to work and others that I have nothing left to give at home.

I am often told to look after me, most times I don't care about me as such, I just seem to exist and I guess for the most part that's the best a parent who has lost a child can hope for. For me 2009 will bring change again, I am trying to make new plans for work so I can be in control of my own days and I will also seek some help (check up from the neck up) on ways to live for the moment rather than in the past, I think that's the only way to survive how ever many more years I have till I see my boys again. Living for the moment, not the past not the future just whats going on at that point in time with those people, I guess that's what I will be trying to do on Christmas day, focusing on Georgia and Todd, and having quiet momets of reflection on the boys..

Our 4th Christmas

Its 14 days till Christmas, all I can say is thank goodness only 14 days and it will all be over. I cant believe that it will be Christmas number four without Brendon and Mat, 4, normal time does still not match my eternal calendar. Its really hard for me to get into the spirit of Christmas even though I know I must for my daughters sake, as I imagine its hard for her as well. We all cope in different ways, she's excited about getting a new phone and her impending trip to America, and although I am excited for her my heart is crushed inside at the thought of yet another year without them... I am not going to sugar coat it for anyone, its still really really hard, my logic brain tells me to be grateful(I hate that word) for those I have with me an the memories I have but my heart aches to see them again.

I know we are supposed to be happy at this time of year, but once you lose a child that 'happy' is never the same.

As far as my emotional self goes this far down the track, I find that I have been dreading Christmas for only 1 month so far, previous years I start getting upset about it earlier, I don't seem to cry as much but when I do boy do I let it out. I even set up the tree for Georgia as a surprise and when I placed the decorations made especially with their names on them I didn't cry, i just felt sad, I think that is a sign of my recovery.
I have mentioned before that for me planning has always helped, I seem to be less stressed about an event or occasion if I have a plan.

I had originally asked a friend if we could sleep over for Christmas eve, that plan did not happen so plan B has gone into place, Georgia, Todd and I will spend Christmas morning at the beach, BBQ breaky then lunch at the club, I think it will be good for Georgia and Todd, for me personally I couldn't care less if I just sat at home, but what purpose would that serve, none, not good for me either so we will try our full day and see how that goes... irrespective of what we do my heart will be aching so much for my son's.

I like most parents in this situation just want it to be over, on the positive side though, I have survived almost 4 years without the boys, strange really when I remember thinking I wouldn't survive 1 month. Clearly it becomes more doable as time goes on I'm not so sure if its any easier though....

Love and strength to all who are travelling this road.

Road safety work

An update on the ROADwhyz 'Choice & Consequence' young driver program .

As you know road safety for young drivers is a topic close to my heart having lost my own beautiful boys in a road crash that could have been avoided. As such I have been working on a road safety initiative that I have mentioned here before. We have been delivering the program now over the past 6 months, so far we have been to 6 local high schools and are about to have our first community event for parents and young drivers.

The program is getting great feedback and having some impact on the way our young people drive and their risk taking behaviour. we have has comments like:

"I am writing to say thank you for coming to our school last week. Although the information you told us and the stories you shared with us were a really big eye opener and a reality shock it was extremely good to be brought down of our high horses to face the real world of what the wrong choices can change and the consequences that those wrong choices can have.I hope that you continue educating young people about the life changing actions that can occur at the blink of an eye if they take their responsibility of driving for granted. We as young drivers need to remember that our license is not a right it is a privilege"

AND

"I am writing to thank you so much for coming to our school and not only showing us the dangers of the road, but also for waking up the current year 10 at St Joeys.

Sharing and being willing to discuss your personal stories and telling us the effects it has on yourself was very inspirational. Seeing what you’ve done and have gone through as so inspirational because, some of the stories and the things you have seen and gone through are very courageous.

Hearing and participating in this day has made me want to help people so much, I want to help prevent these devastating incidents occurring.
I want everyone to be more aware of the dangers off and even off the road.
So thank you greatly for what you have shown me and for the things you have done"

And this from a teacher:
"Last week I was asked to supervise a group of year eleven students who were participating in the Roadwhyz program. I dutifully went along in my allocated time slot and stepped straight into the most amazing experience of my teaching career.
The students were silently glued to a screen with graphic descriptions and visuals of a teenage road accident. There was a Chaplin, Police Officer, Rescue Officer and a small but intent looking lady in the room standing around looking not at the screen but carefully watching the students. Boxes of tissues were circulating and I quickly realised the power of this program.
I soon learned that the lady was Michelle, a mother, a mother who had lost her own children suddenly through a similar car accident. She was intent on ensuring that our students survive the risk of driving. All of the people presenting were intent on the same purpose. I'm sure the message was getting through.
The students heard from each of the people present, had opportunity to ask (and did) all kinds of questions from the seemingly trivial to the really hard and raw. They were provided with reading matter to support what was being presented , they were provided with emotional support and coping strategies, they had opportunity to speak with others and given the chance to realise the enormous responsibility of having a license.
I was only there for a short hour of the program but every student I have seen since is still talking about the program, every one that wasn't there has heard about how great it was, the staff are buzzing, it was the best program I have seen in a school ever.

Thank you for coming to Mount View High. I know that you have made a difference in the lives of the students here.
My own children attend junior years at Merewether High and Warners Bay High... I hope that your program is still running and gets picked up by these schools when they are of age to drive.
Good Luck Michelle.

Regards,
Liz Alder
Mount View High Teacher


As you can see the feedback is great, I have to believe we are making a difference, my boys are making a difference, after all this is all their doing. I am proud of the work that we are doing and the legacy we are creating in the memory of my son's Brendon and Mat and all other young drivers who have lost their lives this way.

Book Release

Just wanted to remind everyone that I have now had my book printed. It is available only through me at this stage at a cost of $25.00, $2.00 of every sale goes towards H.O.P.E the other $23 is spent on printing. I am also looking for a publisher of anyone has any suggestions. I would really like to get it into a book store as its the kind of book I went looking for for when I lost my boys, sadly there was nothing like it.

It contains all my un edited personal journal entries spanning over 3 years as well as some tips and suggestion on how to handle different situations eg: when people say, "your lucky you have other children" or "I know how you feel"

If you or anyone you know would like a copy you just have to post a comment.

Up Date

Again its been ages since I last wrote on here, that's not to say the journey has ended, rather the journey has gotten easier I guess and the need to write is less.

I am pretty busy with my two passions, Road Safety and H.O.P.E this keeps me focused I guess on issues for the living, even when sometimes (and not often anymore) I find it hard to be living without my boys. The concept of never seeing them ever again is one that I struggle with most, today its been 39 months since I spoke to them, heard there voices or even stood in front of them, I really don't have the words to describe the 'missing' of them I feel, if you know what I mean.

We are all continuing on with our 'new normal' as it were, its just as Vera told me in the early days, it gets easier and becomes more 'doable' but still the heavy weight of sad is there every day.

I still get cross with people in general because life goes on, and often wonder how those close to me can continue to 'enjoy' things, when I feel like I will never truly enjoy, I have however started to 'like' to do things, if that makes sense, I just still have a blocker in side me that wont allow me to fully enjoy while my kids are not, but I know that passes, I see it in others.

I have recently changed one of my jobs and am really 'liking' the change and the challenge of the work, its all part of a greater plan though. You see 3 years on and I am still not passionate about my day job, as a matter of fact it annoys me that I am in an environment where people seem to be stressed over the (what seems to me) most UN important stuff, for this reason reason I have decided I need to be working for my self, I need to be in control of my work days so that when I have a sad day and want to just sit quiet I can.

So my plan is to be working for my self as a personal trainer by mid 2009 and working for my day job as a contractor..... the good thing about this is that I am making plans, where once I couldn't look beyond tomorrow let alone next week, now I can look into the future if only a few months down the track, I guess that's a sign of my recovery, my starting to live life again and that has to be a good thing.

I still have a long way to go especially in terms of my emotional self, I still don't like to do a lot of things and still suffer from 'mushy brain' but am getting there.

For my husband and daughter, well all looks fine for them, they seem to have moved on well and although this annoys me at times I wouldn't want them to do anything else.

I have recently had my book printed. I have been writing it since day one of losing my boys, it contains all my personal journal entries and some suggestion on how I have handled different issues along the way, I hope it will be a good resource for anyone Else on this crappy journey.

Not much else to report really, we take each day as it comes and do the best we can, but all in all I miss my boys so much I really don't have the words to describe the missing...

Friends lost and Gained on this journey

It is almost 3 years since the loss of my sons. There is a lot we have come to terms with over the time but one of the hardest things I find to deal with is the way Friends and family have reacted to our loss. In particular my friends, some I have re-gained and some I have lost, some I hang onto by a thread I think purely because we have been Friends for so long it just seems the right thing to do.

I may have mentioned some time ago on this journey that I am not close with my immediate family, as such have had no contact with anyone other than my Aunty since I was 18, well just this week she informs me that she IS NOT HAPPY with the way I live my life, how bizarre, she is not happy. Her issues are many but mainly that I support others who are strangers to me but in need of support as they travel the same road, she is also not happy that I seem to be "making a business from grief" by starting up HOPE. She is also not happy and thinks it a waste of time that I support young driver education programs, her logic is "you cant save every ones child so why bother" .... well I took this on board for a day or two, but it didn't take long for me to realise how selfish she was being, how the fact that I wasn't grieving the way she thinks I should was the real issue.

I wrote her a letter and pointed out that many charitable organisations have started as a result of someone in grief or a time of need, knowing this they reach out to others in a time that is similar...

So here we are having lost the boys and now losing the only family member I have contact with. I realise of course that this is her decision, and I also believe that it is her inadequacy in dealing with her grief that is an issue, not mine, I also realise most of all that I, and people like me need to have positive supportive people around me. I know that by helping others I am helping myself and will continue to do so, despite her opinion... there are some on this journey that we have to leave behind, some friendships will never be the same, and so be it, its a new journey, a new 'NORMAL' and a new life, one that I/we have to live the best way we can.

Latest Article on H.O.P.E

33 months since my life, our lives changed forever

It has come to my attention that I haven't written on here for some months and perhaps people are checking in on me to see how we are all doing, it is for this reason I post this blog entry.

My last post makes mention of the support group I along with my mentor on this journey, Vera, started, well H.O.P.E has been going since August 2007, the first night saw 30 people attend, since then H.O.P.E Maitland has grown to a membership of 60 members, HOPE has also become a registered Association now known as H.O.P.E Support Group Inc. A second branch of H.O.P.E started in Cessnock in March, it has started off slower than Maitland, but sadly I am sure will grow as I know there are many parents out there travelling the same sad road. A third branch of H.O.P.E will start in Newcastle in June. H.O.P.E has an online presence with its own Myspace, www.myspace.com/hopegroup as well as an overseas presence with Vera no residing in the states. Vera has started H.O.P.E on line over there and continues to build a network of parents seeking other parents for support. We have one official corporate sponsor with another 3 being the goal for 2010. Hope is now a recognised support group and starting to become well known in the local community.

My work with road safety is also progressing along well, I am now an official ambassador for the RTA's Centre For Road Safety and as such support there efforts in getting out the road safety message to all drivers in particular our young drivers. I also work closely with two local community members, a member of the NSW Ambulance and local police Sargent, together we have put together a road safety package that has had a pilot program introduced into one local high school so far, we have recently applied for a govt grant to seek funding to roll this program out to other schools and the wider community.

I guess this has me quite busy now, I still do my other 'paid' work as unfortunately we must pay the bills, however out of this tragedy I have manged to find two causes that have given me passion and a sense of purpose again, if only a small amount so far it is a big step and very rewarding.

I am writing a book that will be a guide for parents in particular mum's on this journey and hope to have that ready to coincide with the first year of H.O.P.E.

As for me, how am I doing as a mum who has buried two of her children?? well, these are the things I still struggle with, 2 1/2 years on:

* I still do not go out as such but can go out with my husband and daughter and have attended a couple of work functions. Can go out for coffee etc with H.O.P.E ladies
* I still do not like crowds and noise and I just put that down to nerves, they are certainly not what they used to be.
* I don't care to do much for myself but have started to exercise and try to eat well again as I know I must do this for my own health and well being. Have even started to listen to music in the car again
* I don't find much passion at work and quite often cannot be bothered with other people's daily 'crap' for want of a better word, however I realise that the world of crap will continue to spin and I must realise that everyone issues are their own and are important to them , its also important that I focus on others from time to time as well
* People still disappoint me, in particular those closest to me who think, I guess, that since 2 1/2 years have gone by I must be doing fine and no longer need to be checked on. I am however trying to NOT expect too much of anyone that way I wont be disappointed I am also aware it must be hard for them as well.
* The boys birthdays get harder as we go on and the hole I seem to slip into in the week leading up to and the weeks after are getting harder to climb out of, Bren would now be 22 and Mat soon to be 19
* I seem to be coping OK at home but especially love it when I am not expected to do anything, after all I seem to give everything I have to work which does not leave much in the tank for home, I am working on that
* I seem to have more good days than bad but still suffer from survivor guilt each time I feel 'good'.

All in all I think I am doing OK, I know I wouldn't be doing so well if I hadn't met all the other parents in my group, those who suffer the same pain as I and who know only too well what a struggle some days can be.

I can see this journey is do-able as I say and I know that others will draw strength from knowing how I am doing. My suggestions to anyone on this road, listen to your heart, do what you think you need to do to get through the day and look after you and your heart. Find a new passion, its hard but try to find some purpose to focus on, whether its reaching out to another in this situation or volunteering for a charity anything that you feel may give you purpose because that's one of the hardest things I found to cope with, no sense of purpose, I know my kids would want me to get on with life and for them I try.

Should anyone wish to see whats going on with H.O.P.E you can access it on www.myspace.com/hopegroup

Power and strength to those travelling this unimaginable journey.....