A new normal????

A new normal.... That is the reality that I am faced with on a daily bases, accepting that our old life no longer exists, we now have to find a new normal. How much we take for granted in life is now very apparent to me and its sad to think that a tragedy of such magnitude had to bring it home.

I DON'T WANT A NEW NORMAL, I was happy with my old life, this is not life to me now, it is simply an existence, no sense of purpose, no direction, I know from people I have spoken to and from what I have read that a new normal will emerge. I ache for the old normal, the normal that had me dropping Mat off to school, collecting from school, dropping him off at the train station at 4 am, coming home to his 1800 reverse message, " mum can you pick me up", yelling at him to get out of bed in the morning because he's going to make us all late, listening to his cheeky often silly remarks, watching him and Todd wrestle - Mat in pain and loving it, I want to hear Mat and Georgia fighting again as siblings do, I want to hear his computer running to the wee hours of the morning, I want to hear him complain about having to mind his sister, or grumbling about dinner, I want to see him get angry at me for not letting him do something, I want to have arguments about his hair and lack of hair cuts, I WANT MAT BACK...... I want to see Brendon again, I want to hear his computer running all night, I want to rouse at him for being lazy, I want to be able to ask him for help with my computer, I want to see him pace the floor in that annoying way while he was talking on the phone, I want him to ring me in the middle of the day and say " mum are you bringing home any food" which meant I'm too lazy to make a sandwich can you bring home takeaway, I want to buy it for him and then grumble about it. I want to be able to ask him to help his sister with maths, and take her shopping, I want to see her stand beside him again and look up at him as only a little sister can, I want to hear his voice, I want to hear him call me 'small's' (his nick name for me on occasion) MATE, I WANT YOU BACK...

I miss my young men so much, I don't think about them every day, I think about them every minute of every hour of every day. I wasn't aware of just how much I spoke of them through the day, I am know because evertime I mention them someone inside me says, they are not here anymore remember!! I don't think they ever knew just how much I spoke of them, just how much I loved them, of course they wouldn't because I never told them, that's just it, we don't tell people how we feel about them enough, how true it is the saying you never know what you've got until it's gone' I don't think they even knew how proud of them I was, regardless of my winging at them, and for that I am truly regretful.

I see and hear often, parents grumbling about their kids, yelling at them and compaining, don't they know how lucky they are? NO, and as parents we don't, we complain that the kids take us for granted, that we will be there for them always, to cook,to clean, to wash and to guide, when reality is that WE TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED, how dare we presume that we own them, that we are to have them for the rest of our days after all they are ours! We bought them into this world, we control them, when in actual fact they control us, they give us a sense of direction and purpose, they guide us in the decisions we make, all be it in a subconscious way.

At the moment I feel I will never understand why or how this could happen to me and mine, I try to find some reasoning in it, how could they have been here for such a short time? Had they served their purpose? Did they teach me all they needed to? Or is the lesson only just beginning??????

Grief and Anxiety

Yesterday I was faced with a most awful thought, I actually had to leave the house for something other than work or to visit the cemetery. It is not the first outing I've had, no, actually it's the 3rd, the other two over these past 4.5 months were out for a picnic lunch, something I thought I could do,because I knew that there would be only myself, my partner and my daughter, even though I was filled with sadness and fear at the thought that I might actually go out, and god forbid even enjoy it, I went, both outings were only 2 hours or less in duration, my daughter loved it, I guess to her it was almost some sense of normality, some sign to her that mum is ok, and it was for that reason that I knew by making an effort I had done the right thing, little did she know that the pain inside me was almost unbearable, I cried silently on the way to the picnic ground, put on a brave face there and cried silently on the way home, I asked my self, how dare I feel the sun on my face, how dare I be eating a picnic lunch, doesn't anyone know that for me I am permanently in winter and I only eat because I know I have to, there is no enjoyment for me anymore in such things..... But still I try.

So yesterday I knew I had to have a remedial back massage, as I have a bad back and I could not put it off any longer, I chose to go to my local gym, where I had frequented for the past 5 years, on most occasions twice a day, after all how hard could it be I knew everyone there, I am familiar with the surroundings... How wrong I was. I walked in and it felt so big, so noisy, so absolutely bright, as I walked through to where I had to sit, I started to feel like I couldn't breath, suddenly it felt like everyone was staring at me, the walk to where I had to sit seemed to take for ever, I felt like I was running but I wasn't, actually I tried to remember everything this morning, what triggered the panic attack, but all I can remember is the white, the brightness of the place.

I sat and waited for my appointment, I would like to say calmly but that was not the case, I was shaking, trembling, I started to breath fast short breaths, the tears were starting, I felt hot and sweaty, all I could say was please not here, thankfully a close friend of mine was on hand and as with other times, while she was quietly talking to me I could focus on my breathing, I counted to 10 and eventually calmed my self down. I hate this, I find myself asking "WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME" once a person in total control now turned through the anguish of grief into a blubbering idiot, it makes me feel like I am going mad, loosing my marbles, when will this stop? Will it ever?

This event prompted me to find information about these feelings, I jumped on the WEB and began to research, afterall they say knowledge is power, plus it was much more productive for me than the usual morning tears. So I began to research and it became apparent to me that I am not going mad, this is all part of the process of grief, and it is a natural reaction to the stress of grieving. I have inserted some information that I found along with some sites of interest.

Could Anxiety and/or Grief Be
Putting You at Risk of Panic Attacks?

Out of the blue, you feel terror. Your heart is pounding. Panic attacks can also include, but is not limited to the following symptoms
Palpitations, pounding heart or accelerated heart rate, Sweating, Trembling or shaking Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering, Feeling of choking, Chest pain or discomfort
Nausea or abdominal distress and Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded or faint

What is Panic Disorder-and Who Gets It?

"panic attacks," which are the hallmark of panic disorder, are believed to occur when the brains normal mechanism for reacting to a threat--the so-called "fight or flight" response--becomes inappropriately aroused.
Initial panic attacks often occur when people are under considerable stress, for example, having experienced a particularly traumatic event, or suffering from the loss of a family member or close friend.
Panic attacks usually take a person completely by surprise. This unpredictability is one reason they are felt to be so devastating. Sometimes people who have never had a panic attack assume that panic is just a matter of feeling nervous or anxious--the average intensity of feelings that everyone is familiar with. In fact, even though people who have panic attacks may not show any outward signs of discomfort, the feelings they experience are so overwhelming and terrifying that they often are really convinced that they are going to die, lose their minds, or behave in such a way that they will be totally humiliated. While such disastrous consequences don't occur, they can seem quite likely to the person who is suffering a panic attack.

The Course of Panic Disorder

Typically, a first panic attack seems to come "out of the blue," occurring while a person is engaged in some ordinary activity like driving a car or walking to work. Suddenly, the person is struck by a barrage of frightening and uncomfortable symptoms. These symptoms often include terror, a sense of unreality, or a fear of losing control.
This barrage of symptoms usually lasts several seconds, but may continue for several minutes. The symptoms gradually fade over the course of about an hour. People who have experienced a panic attack can attest to the extreme discomfort they felt and to their fear that they had been stricken with some terrible, life-threatening disease--or were "going crazy." Often people who are having a panic attack seek help at a hospital emergency room.

Some people who have one panic attack, or an occasional attack, never develop a problem serious enough to affect their lives. For others, however, the attacks continue and cause much suffering.

Understanding Panic Disorder - People who develop panic-induced phobias will tend to avoid situations that they fear will trigger a panic attack, and their lives may be increasingly limited as a result..

Strategies For Coping With Panic

1. Remember that although your feelings and symptoms are very frightening, they are not dangerous or harmful.
2. Understand that what you are experiencing is just an exaggeration of your normal bodily reactions to stress.
3. Stay in the present. Notice what is really happening to you as opposed to what you think might happen.
4. Label your fear level from zero to ten and watch it go up and down. Notice that it does not stay at a very high level for more than a few seconds.
5. When you find yourself thinking about the fear, change your "what if" thinking. Focus on and carry out a simple and manageable task such as counting backward from 100 by 3's or snapping a rubber band on your wrist.

5 OF THE 10 STEPS LISTED IN THIS ARTICLE more info can be found on the following linkhttp://www.panic-attack.us/readmore.html

Grief and Loss - Grief is an emotional reaction that follows loss of someone or something of great value. There is a difference between normal sadness and grief. Normal sadness is your emotional response to most losses, disappointments, and frustrations in life. When you experience normal sadness, you are able to:
- describe why you are sad
- respond to your environment in a normal way
- get over your sadness in a relatively short period, usually less than a month.
Any loss can cause grief. Death is the one that usually comes to mind. The grief and mourning process associated with the loss of a loved one (especially if it was unexpected) often has the following three stages:
- Stage 1: Shock and Disbelief
- Stage 2: Developing Awareness
- Stage 3: Resolution
There are ways to help you deal with grief and loss. These include: More information can be found on the following link -http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/wha/wha_grief_bha.htm

Another informative site I have found is, Grief Healing, found on the following site http://www.griefhealing.com/

I am a little clearer now on these attacks, I realise that again I am not alone in such experiences, and maybe I will feel a little more in control when the next one occurs. I found this poem on the grief healing site mentioned above and thought I might share it, as it is a question that I often ponder.

When Does Grief End?

Grief hits us like a ton of bricks,
flattens us like a steamroller,
hurls us into the depths of despair.
We know in a flash when grief hits,
but when does it end?
Like the month of March,
grief rushes in like a lion
and tiptoes out like a lamb.
Sometimes, we don't know when grief leaves,
because we won't let go of the lion's tail.
Why do we hold on so long?
Grief offers us safety,
protection from the world.
We don't want to let go
because we secretly fear
that we'll forget our loved ones,
and we don't want to forget – ever.
We don't want to let go
because we fear the future
and having to face life without our loved ones.
We don't want to let go
because we make the mistake
of measuring our grief with the depth of our love –
when neither has anything to do with the other.
How do we know when grief has run its course?
How do we know when we've grieved enough?
Cried enough?
"Died" enough?
How do we know when it's time to let go of the tail?
We know when we feel joy again, in something or someone.
Joy in living. Joy in life.
We know when we wake up in the morning
and our first thought is on something other than our loss.
We know when we look ahead with a smile
and back with fond memories,
and when we no longer dread the nights.
We know when our life starts filling up with new interests and people,
and we start reaching for the stars
Grief ends when we let go of the tail.
Margareet Brownley,
"When Does Grief End?"
Bereavement Magazine , January/February 2002
Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publishing, Inc. (888-604-4673)

How quickly one can change

GRIEF is such a wicked thing, so all consuming, it can turn even the strongest of people into the saddest, most lonely and lost soles. How do we continue? The questions the bereaved ask, why me? Why my son's? When will the day come where I will say, ok I know how to go on, I know the direction I must take? These questions are pointless to ask really, there is no answer, I don't think there will be a defining moment, perhaps it just blows over you one day, perhaps as they say, time is the healer, although the idea that I could reach a point where I would no longer miss my son's is obscene to me, I must go on, some how I must find the strength to create a new normal. I say a new normal because once you have lost a loved one your normal ceases to exist, the reality is I will never be the same person again, what is left when you feel that the best part of your heart has been cut out and buried with your loved one/s. What is left? That's the true question to ask, but again who can answer that, I think from my own perspective, only I can can answer such a question, only I can determine what is next.

I guess how we deal with each day is determined so often by those swinging moods that we have on a daily or even hourly basis.
What do you do when the grief is so raw, so deep that it can hit in the most unlikely places. Sometime ago I had to attend a dentist appointment, something that has never bothered me in the past, this time it was painful, emotionally, I remember sitting in the waiting room thinking about the last time Mat, myself and my daughter were there, Mat was getting work done to create a beautiful smile, of course I already thought he had one but he wanted his teeth to be straight so we had embarked on a long journey of dentist visits, so here I was thinking about the time he came and I let him have gas for the first time, it was so funny, he laughed, we all laughed, and yet the fact that it was so funny couldn't give me the strength to get through my dentist appointment without crying in the chair, usually the gas made me laugh, not this time, I found myself apologizing to the dentist for the tears, I said " normally I would be laughing, I'm so sorry" he said " Ah!! but what's normal?". The wave of grief can come when your out buying a chicken at the supermarket, the noise of the people, the rushing here and there, the crowd, for me this was a terrifying experience, here I am about to purchase a chicken and then I feel that wave, Its almost as if I could see the storm cloud, it was that visible to me, my legs start to shake, I want to bite my nails and all the while saying to my self, " please no not here". Over the past 4 months I have had many occasion where I have become so overwhelmed with the gut wrenching pain that accompanies the emotions of grief, I find myself saying, " please no not here, just let me get this job done, just wait until I get to the car" I want to scream at everyone around me, "don't you know, my son's are dead, what are you people thinking?" But that's just it isn't it, they aren't thinking, they aren't thinking of you, why should they, your no part of their life.......

This brings me to something I have learnt and perhaps it may help others, if you don't tell people how you are, how you truly are then how will they know, I have had to learn to accept that I will cry at the drop of a hat, that I will be angry for the littlest thing, that all the people around will not know what to say or do even though I expect it... For this reason I say, feel the grief, talk about it, share it, then perhaps it will become faded. Surround yourself with people you know will listen, ask the people around you to talk about the missing loved ones, when they ask how you are , tell them exactly, if they don't want to hear it or deal with it then that's their problem, you have enough emotional crap to deal with without worrying about how others feel about the way you are dealing with this.

To the friends of the bereaved, please don't think you will upset us by doing this, think about it, how could we possibly be any more upset? We are experiencing the unthinkable, the imaginable. I said to a friend recently, I am upset and sad everyday, its just the degree of sadness or upset that changes, nothing you say or do will change that, NOTHING!!

Special dates - The first of many first's

Yesterday was my daughters 11th birthday, she had invited friends of my son's and was looking forward to such a great time. The morning started out the same for me, convincing my self to get up and face yet another day, this time though, I was supposed to be excited, afterall it was Georgias birthday, she was excited and so should I be.

Little did she know that since the Thursday before had I had been working myself into some kind of frenzied state, the mere thought of having this celebration for the first time in 11 years without my boys was devastating to me. By the weekend prior I was well and truly on a downward spiral towards that abyss of emotions that we as bereaved parents experience. I had, by Sunday evening cried more tears than I thought possible in a weekend, I was sick in the stomach, couldn't eat and had the worst headache imaginable, as if the emotional turmoil of grief isn't enough we have to endure the physical aspects as well.

Monday I had to go to work as usual but as Wednesday came closer I felt sicker and sadder, How will I do this? How can I face all those kids knowing they are only here because Mat and Brendon are not?, and How dare I even begin to think about having a laugh, A PARTY OH MY GOD!!! And all the while knowing how excited Georgia was getting, and why shouldn't she, afterall its her party, and that is the defining statement that got me through a 2 hour party, It was her day, all I had to do was get through 2 hours, that's not too much to expect is it?????

During the course of the evening the weight in my chest I cant describe but I felt so heavy, I just felt as if I was being kicked while I was down, the kids were all laughing and chatting as teenagers do, Georgia was having a ball, everyone eating and drinking, I had to keep going to sit in a quiet room just for a brief moment, to gather myself, then I would rejoin them, not doing much just sitting and watching, then I thought I should make an effort so I attempted to help them out with party games etc.

It was 7:50 when I felt I couldn't contain it anymore I had to go in side and leave them to it, by then I felt like I had been holding my breath for 2 hours and when the tears started I just couldn't stop, got my partner to start to get them all moving as it was a school night. Then came the good byes, I felt like I just wanted to hold them all so close, I wanted to say don't go, stay, I MISS MY BOYS SO MUCH.

Still all was quiet by 9 and I thought to my self, well self you got through it, relatively unscathed, everyone had a good time, and most were oblivious to the intense pain that I was going through.
I think I got through the evening because I handed over most of the evening to someone else to organize, I only sat and watched, plus I planned or rather Georgia planned, I think planning in advance for these special dates is important, although it is hard. I have asked my friend to help with the planning of Christmas as I don't even want to contemplate it, I think too that making some kind of contigency plans are good, after all, what if on the day, as often happens, you find that you cant go through with it, you find that you would rather be on your own, keep someone on notice.
So ,NOW I WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS What a thought!

Pictured above; My daughter Georgia

I just can't believe it

There are many times a day that I find myself saying " I just can't believe it". I find it very difficult to cope with the reality of the death of my sons and accept the changes in my life and those around me. It is hard to accept that despite my feelings, behaviours and regrets, nothing will bring them back, nothing I do or anyone says will change the fact that my beautiful son's are dead ( I think it has been a long time since I told them how beautiful and precious they are, sadly its too late for that, I have to hope that somehow they knew how much they were/are loved and how special they are.

This acknowledgment of our new reality is even more difficult when the calendar marks another day, week or month since I last saw or spoke to them. This Monday the 14th marked the 4 month mark for me, It has been 16 weeks since I spoke to Brendon,16 and a half since I spoke to Mat and probably closer to 18 weeks since I saw them last,I cant believe I'm living this damn nightmare. I MISS THEM SO MUCH!!!

They say that grief can come in waves, I pray for the waves cause everyday for me feels like a tsunami. Monday as usual was a very difficult day, for some reason as much as I tried I just could not stop replaying the events of that day, I try so hard to keep busy and not think about it as life goes on for everyone and sadly I have no time to grieve that day I have to go to work.

The pain inside for all grieving parents is different, so individual, but I liken it to... Well I cant match it to anything I've ever experienced, the hole inside feels so black, so big, sometimes I feel that it will swallow me from the inside, the pain in my heart is crushing, so overwhelmingly heavy that its really hard to get out of bed and carry on with everyone else's day.

I asked a friend of mine " how will I get through another 16 weeks knowing that I will not see them or hear them? She said " the same way you have got through these 16 weeks, it will get a little easier as time goes by. I read a quote the other day, which is so true, " TIME, is an important aspect of grief. For the bereaved, TIME-stands still, weighs heavily, passes & heals" They say painful feelings will diminish with time, I cant imagine this but common sense tells me I must believe it other wise I will be left with no hope, a hope that someday I will be able to enjoy the sun, smile, laugh and appreciate life again.

GRIEF - a teenagers perspective

13/11/05

A 13 year olds perspective on the death of her cousin. Sent to me to help me see how my 10 year old daughter may be dealing with the death of her brothers.

It's kinda hard trying to think of a starting point. I spose the start is as good a place as any.
How do you deal with the loss of a loved one at any point in your life? It's a question I don't think I'll ever know the answer to because in a way I still haven't dealt with it. One day you wake up, it's a warm autumn day; you have your breakfast, shower, get dressed, and do all the normal things like any other day. Then suddenly something a little different happens, suddenly, it isn't like any other day. There's your heart skipping a beat, the lump in your throat, the tears dwelling in you eyes; and this is before you've even heard.

i'm referring to my experience when I lost my beautiful cousin Bobby, who was in fact only 3 months older than me!. It was at that weekend soccer match where I felt me whole world crumble before me. Sitting on the grandstand with my cousin and friends; laughing and having fun like any other day. Then my dad came walking over, still in his work uniform. About 10 metres away from me, hasn't even spoken a word, but for some reason I already knew. Then there's the skipped heart beat, the lump and the tears. It feels like a life time and dad is finally next to me telling that he's gone, he's never coming back.

I find myself pinching my skin so hard to try and wake up from the nightmare. It doesn't work. My first thought was to run, run so fast and so far away from everyone, but I couldn't do that to dad. So I pull myself together, say goodbye to my friends and go home. Me, dad and Amanda (my cousin) drive 5 minutes from the soccer game to my house, it feels like forever. Up until that point I didn't know that dads cried. We got into the driveway turned the car off. I looked at dad, he looked at me, and then he held me tighter than ever and cried. I cried, but more so because I saw him cry, it still hadn't hit me.

We walked inside, mum was there and some other people but I don't remember who. I looked out the back door, everyone was crying, I just wanted to be alone. I walked into the bathroom, locked the door, fell to the ground and silently screamed. I was only 13, how the hell can this be happening? Everything was normal, nice and happy until now. What is going on? This cant be happening, THIS CANT BE HAPPENING!!!!!! But it was, it was from then on that I realised it was real.

I didn't like to talk to a lot of people about it, mainly just talked to mum, dad, my sisters and close family. I liked to talk about the good times. All the funny stuff I remembered happening, it made me block out the sadness. I didn't want to think about that. I loved hearing other people's funny stories, I just wanted to keep thinking about the memories I liked because I didn't want to forget.
These were the first initial stages, and then there was the funeral. The part where you know its real, there's all these people coming up to you telling you how sorry they are, I'm sorry too but it isn't going to change anything, so I felt the best thing for me to do was write. I liked writing poetry, so it helped me to deal with losing him. Just before the funeral, I wrote a poem that I wanted to give to my aunty, it made me feel better and I hoped in some way that it would make her feel better too. I couldn't imagine how she felt, I know how I felt but he wasn't my child. So I wrote the poem and read it out at the funeral. The priest wasn't too happy when I said the word fart in church, but it made people laugh and I liked that.
Then after the funeral I stopped thinking about all the good memories and it started to get darker, I just couldn't get my head around all this stuff, I didn't want to feel the way I did but I couldn't help it. It wouldn't go away, so I found myself writing so many poems, but not just poems, just stuff, I just wrote anything, it usually didn't even make sense, then I would scribble all over it, rip out the page and throw it out. Nothing felt good. I couldn't understand why I still felt like this, was this how every teenager felt? Or just teenagers who have had to deal with something like this? I didn't have the answers, and I was so angry with god. Then I wrote this:


Dear God.....
Another year without his face
Lost for words without a trace.
Please god take my life away
So he can be the one to stay.
Another day, cross off the date
Show me direction so I can think straight.
Youl've shown me dark now show me light
What you've done is just not right!
You've taken a Childs life away
Why was he the one to pay?
Why not me .... take me instead
Why is he the one who's dead?
A stupid choice I'd have to say
Taking a 14yera olds life away.
'for the best is what you said'
To lay him in his eternal bed.
If your really a god then why all this?
Don't you realise how much he's missed?
You're just a lie, so practice what you preach
Now he's in heaven so far out of my reach
'In God's care' a phrase you use
Of all existence it was him you had to choose.
You say you're a God and I just can't see
Why you would make someone as unhappy as me.
You took him away exactly 14 years after he arrived
So why bring him into this world knowing he wouldn't survive?

There was no one to blame but I couldn't accept that. So I suppose that was the only way I could deal with it... if I blamed someone. I couldn't work out if the way I felt inside was normal, being a very sensitive and emotional person I just thought it was me, and maybe how every teenager my age felt. The older I got the easier it got, but from 14 and a half on wards till I was about 26, I went through a bit of a rebellious stage. I started smoking, drinking on the weekends and sneaking out of my window with my friends. We would go out at about 11pm, then party all night and come home about 4am, so silly!!. But it was just fun, I got into a bit of trouble sometimes and when I felt upset I found myself crying, talking to Bobby, saying sorry to him and asking that if he fixed things I would promises never to do it again. Then things would get better. Things would be fixed and it made me feel better thinking that he was the one that had fixed things.

It wasn't until I was about 17 that I really accepted things and realised that no matter what, it was fate and I couldn't have changed a thing or made a difference.
No matter how hard or how bad things seem, I am a firm believer in things happen for a reason I know that it took me that long to realise and accept this. For some people it's lesser or longer, but I look up to him for guidance. So many times I've needed an answer and I've found myself asking for a sign just so I know he can hear me, and I've got one.
No matter what, everyone will pass away some day, its just life, it's just a matter of how you will deal with it and hopefully use it to help others. I've been there, felt the pain of losing someone you dearly love, and now it feels good to be able to try to help someone who's asking the same questions that I was asking at the very beginning of it all. There's no set answers for any of it, hopefully just knowing that your not alone, and wether its five years or fifty years, things do get easier, and always remember that no matter what, your beautiful boys are looking down on you, guiding you through every step of the way.

God Bless
Amy

Just a thought

Today I thought I might share something that I did to make me feel good, something to take the focus off the day for me..

Thursday's for me are very difficult as its the day of my son's accident. My daughter and I ( she is 10) had decided to remove this day from the week, heck from the calendar but unfortunately that is not possible so we grit our teeth and get on with the day. I don't start work at TAFE until 12 on that day so from the time my daughter leaves at 8:15 I start the downward spiral into that emotional pit I call the black hole of sadness, as much as I try I just can't stop thinking about that day, the events of the day and how the evening ended up. Usually by 11 I am feeling fairly crappy, been crying, have a headache and in general just do not want to go to work, but I start to get ready anyway. Well this week while I was getting ready I thought to my self, I can't keep doing this before work I have to try something else, So I decided that I would do something nice for someone else to make me feel better, I would give a little and then emotionally I might get a little back.

I went to woollies and bought a bunch of yellow roses and a bag of kids party toys for my students. In my class I have about 3 ladies and 8 young boys, interestingly enough they are the ages of my son's, so I knew what would make them laugh.
I bought a fancy bag to put them in, some curling ribbon, came home and quickly started preparing the gifts. I cant describe what a relief it was for me for 15 minutes to just focus on someone and something else even for just a short time, I can't say I was happy but if my son's were looking down on me they would have been because for the first time in 4 months, there was no fake smile and gritting teeth, I was smiling at the thought of the reaction from everyone, my whole mind set about going to work changed, if only briefly.

So off I went to work, and before class started a couple of them asked how I was and I responded with my new response " crap, its Thursday, BUT I have a surprise for everyone, its as much for me as for you so I hope we get a little fun from it" I told them all to shut their eyes which they did, I then placed the roses on the table for the ladies, told them they could open their eyes but the guys had to keep them shut, they had to reach into the bag like a lucky dip, laughter filled the room, smiles everywhere, even on my face, I was having fun. The guys selected their little gifts, which ranged from flutes, yoyo's, spinning tops to parachute men, when they all opened their eyes we all had a chuckle, they played, the girls smelt the flowers and the tension in the room was lifted ( they all know what has happened so I guess they feel like walking on egg shells at times).

I suppose the moral of the story is that, I made a decision that day to do something about my own emotional state, it was a small step outside of my grief, A brief respite and it worked. I am not saying this will work for you and I am not saying I will do this all the time, what I am saying is that for the first time in 4 months I actually had control of something. TRY IT IT MIGHT WORK FOR YOU.

Stages of Grief

Something I hear a lot is "There is no right way or wrong way to grieve" this statement is of no consolation to me really, as I am an organized, methodical, planning,basically black and white type person, I often find my self wondering if I am doing this right, should I be crying every morning when I miss the routine I had with my sons, should I be sad when I know I won't be picking Mat up from school, should I be feeling angry with everyone, why do I find it hard to concentrate, how come I was so goal driven before and now nothing motivates me at all, why do I get annoyed with people when they say stupid things like "oh well at least you have your daughter" or " gee you look well, you must be feeling better". Because I am the person I am I want someone to tell me the right and wrong way, I crave for direction, deadlines, goals and a plan of attack for this phase of my life, but sadly there is none.

I feel like I have checked out every website and every book (I know there's more out there) and still I get the same and only consistent thing, "The stages of Grief" the only thing is you don't really go through these stages in one even continuum, you experience these stages all over the place, any time of day, night, week or month. You experience some on their own but mostly I have found they are interconnected depending on the day or time of the day.

These stages are consitantly described as;
DENIAL (this isn't happening, it can't be happening, and boy do I do this, at least a few times a day I say this to my self)

ANGER (Why, who is to blame, it seems a necessity for me at this stage to blame someone or something, of course, I have no control so yes someone else must be to blame, or better still I will blame my self, that works for me)

BARGAINING ( I promise I'll be a better mother if you give them back to me, I'm sorry I stuffed up, I promise I'll do better, JUST GIVE THEM BACK)

DEPRESSION ( I don't care anymore, I say this so much I surprise mny self at my lack of motivation for even the basic things)

ACCEPTANCE (well I feel at the moment I will never accept this, but common sense tells me I will find a way to accept what has happened, I have to or I'll go mad trying to figure out why)

One thing is for sure although our grief experience will be intensely personal, these seem to be the typical stages of bereavement. I guess if we can identify the feelings and emotions we are experiencing in each stage, and talk about them or write them down we will be able to reflect on them throughout the grieving process and deal with them in a productive way.
A friend told me today that once we get to acceptance then we can accept a spirituality within, then our loved ones will come to us, I look forward to that day.

And so it begins

Over the past few months I have tried hard to arm myself with as much information about this new learning process I am going through. I say learning because as a mother most of what we do for our children comes from intuition and good old fashioned common sense, we aren't given a parenting manual at the hospital when we have our babies, we are given what everyone else terms as a beautiful bundle of joy, its not until we get home that we wonder where is that beautiful bundle of joy they mentioned, there must have been a mix up at the hospital, somehow I have been given someone's else's child, this little bundle of joy who cries all night, sleeps all day, poops and wees when ever, cries for the sake of it, keeps us up at night, causes us to sleep on the floor because they have wind and have to be on a hard surface, decides to throw up that last bit of milk after you and baby have bathed and are ready for bed. That little bundle of joy that gives you unconditional love, that little person that teaches you the real meaning of life, that little bundle that gives you a sense of purpose, a reason for all that you do, that little precious person that you have created. We do in a sense learn to be a parent, but motherhood is built within, it comes natural, its part of a woman's makeup.
Grieving to is natural, but so UN-NATURAL is the grieving for a child, there is no intuition to tap into for this learning process, I find that I have no clue, yes I have had the passing of a grandparent to endure but the pain is nothing compared to the loss of a child. When I was pregnant I didn't read much, it was a time of uncertainty but with that uncertainly came excitement, anticipation and happiness, I didn't feel the need to read, now I find myself reading absolutely everything I can get my hands on, because I have no clue as to how I go about this, so yes the learning process begins !!

The loss of a child

I am sure that many parents who have lost a child feel as I do that no one can help because no one can possibly understand the pain of their tragedy. The sadness, the exhaustion, the disruption to home life, the panic, the horror of laughter and the endless feeling of sorrow and despair.

Although the journey through pain has only just begun for me (4 months on the 14th November) I share your bereavement, I know this pain we feel cannot be erased, but I feel and hope that by sharing with others we can find a unity in our grief and console each other, for no one else understands best where we are coming from and where we are heading than another grieving parent.

My story begins.....
I was returning home from an overseas trip to Fiji, where I had been holidaying for 10 days with my partner of 6 and a half years. We had collected my daughter from her dads and proceeded home. I was excited about getting home, although I had left the boys before and knew they we in capable hands I had missed all of my children and looked forward to resuming our normal routine.

I had rang my eldest son Brendon at 3;30 pm from Sydney to say we were on our way home, my other son Mat had not returned the message I left him, as I later found out he was at the movies with his girlfriend.

we arrived home at 4:30 pm on the Thursday, and by 5:50 pm the police were knocking on my door, I was home alone as my partner had taken my daughter to soccer and I was to do a few things at home so we could all sit and discuss what we had all done during the holidays.

Little did I know that that day would be the end of two beautiful lives, my life as I knew it and the beginning of a very sad and hard road for the rest of our lives.

The above picture is of my son Mathew which was taken around the time of his 16th birthday

When someone important to you has died your life can change in an instant. How do you cope with those powerful emotions along with the chaos and confusion that follow such a loss. What do you do to ease the pain and grief that you feel? How do you go on? How is it possible to find a ' new normal ' ?
These are the questions I am now faced with after the tragic loss of my two beautiful sons, aged 16 and 19 years on Thursday afternoon, July 14th 2005.

I started this blogg as part of my own grieving process, but more importantly to find some purpose out of such a tragedy. If I can help or touch the lives of at least one parent and in particular a mum, who will sadly feel this loss , from my point of view, far greater than that of anyone else, then perhaps we will be able to share information and have a means of working through this grief together.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO OFFER SUGGESTIONS, SHARE YOUR STORIES, QUESTIONS & THOUGHTS.Add your comments and I will post it to the BLOGG, as they say a "problem shared is a problem halved"

The above picture is of Brendon taken June 2005 at his brother's 16th birthday