GRIEF - a teenagers perspective
13/11/05
A 13 year olds perspective on the death of her cousin. Sent to me to help me see how my 10 year old daughter may be dealing with the death of her brothers.
It's kinda hard trying to think of a starting point. I spose the start is as good a place as any.
How do you deal with the loss of a loved one at any point in your life? It's a question I don't think I'll ever know the answer to because in a way I still haven't dealt with it. One day you wake up, it's a warm autumn day; you have your breakfast, shower, get dressed, and do all the normal things like any other day. Then suddenly something a little different happens, suddenly, it isn't like any other day. There's your heart skipping a beat, the lump in your throat, the tears dwelling in you eyes; and this is before you've even heard.
i'm referring to my experience when I lost my beautiful cousin Bobby, who was in fact only 3 months older than me!. It was at that weekend soccer match where I felt me whole world crumble before me. Sitting on the grandstand with my cousin and friends; laughing and having fun like any other day. Then my dad came walking over, still in his work uniform. About 10 metres away from me, hasn't even spoken a word, but for some reason I already knew. Then there's the skipped heart beat, the lump and the tears. It feels like a life time and dad is finally next to me telling that he's gone, he's never coming back.
I find myself pinching my skin so hard to try and wake up from the nightmare. It doesn't work. My first thought was to run, run so fast and so far away from everyone, but I couldn't do that to dad. So I pull myself together, say goodbye to my friends and go home. Me, dad and Amanda (my cousin) drive 5 minutes from the soccer game to my house, it feels like forever. Up until that point I didn't know that dads cried. We got into the driveway turned the car off. I looked at dad, he looked at me, and then he held me tighter than ever and cried. I cried, but more so because I saw him cry, it still hadn't hit me.
We walked inside, mum was there and some other people but I don't remember who. I looked out the back door, everyone was crying, I just wanted to be alone. I walked into the bathroom, locked the door, fell to the ground and silently screamed. I was only 13, how the hell can this be happening? Everything was normal, nice and happy until now. What is going on? This cant be happening, THIS CANT BE HAPPENING!!!!!! But it was, it was from then on that I realised it was real.
I didn't like to talk to a lot of people about it, mainly just talked to mum, dad, my sisters and close family. I liked to talk about the good times. All the funny stuff I remembered happening, it made me block out the sadness. I didn't want to think about that. I loved hearing other people's funny stories, I just wanted to keep thinking about the memories I liked because I didn't want to forget.
These were the first initial stages, and then there was the funeral. The part where you know its real, there's all these people coming up to you telling you how sorry they are, I'm sorry too but it isn't going to change anything, so I felt the best thing for me to do was write. I liked writing poetry, so it helped me to deal with losing him. Just before the funeral, I wrote a poem that I wanted to give to my aunty, it made me feel better and I hoped in some way that it would make her feel better too. I couldn't imagine how she felt, I know how I felt but he wasn't my child. So I wrote the poem and read it out at the funeral. The priest wasn't too happy when I said the word fart in church, but it made people laugh and I liked that.
Then after the funeral I stopped thinking about all the good memories and it started to get darker, I just couldn't get my head around all this stuff, I didn't want to feel the way I did but I couldn't help it. It wouldn't go away, so I found myself writing so many poems, but not just poems, just stuff, I just wrote anything, it usually didn't even make sense, then I would scribble all over it, rip out the page and throw it out. Nothing felt good. I couldn't understand why I still felt like this, was this how every teenager felt? Or just teenagers who have had to deal with something like this? I didn't have the answers, and I was so angry with god. Then I wrote this:
Dear God.....
Another year without his face
Lost for words without a trace.
Please god take my life away
So he can be the one to stay.
Another day, cross off the date
Show me direction so I can think straight.
Youl've shown me dark now show me light
What you've done is just not right!
You've taken a Childs life away
Why was he the one to pay?
Why not me .... take me instead
Why is he the one who's dead?
A stupid choice I'd have to say
Taking a 14yera olds life away.
'for the best is what you said'
To lay him in his eternal bed.
If your really a god then why all this?
Don't you realise how much he's missed?
You're just a lie, so practice what you preach
Now he's in heaven so far out of my reach
'In God's care' a phrase you use
Of all existence it was him you had to choose.
You say you're a God and I just can't see
Why you would make someone as unhappy as me.
You took him away exactly 14 years after he arrived
So why bring him into this world knowing he wouldn't survive?
There was no one to blame but I couldn't accept that. So I suppose that was the only way I could deal with it... if I blamed someone. I couldn't work out if the way I felt inside was normal, being a very sensitive and emotional person I just thought it was me, and maybe how every teenager my age felt. The older I got the easier it got, but from 14 and a half on wards till I was about 26, I went through a bit of a rebellious stage. I started smoking, drinking on the weekends and sneaking out of my window with my friends. We would go out at about 11pm, then party all night and come home about 4am, so silly!!. But it was just fun, I got into a bit of trouble sometimes and when I felt upset I found myself crying, talking to Bobby, saying sorry to him and asking that if he fixed things I would promises never to do it again. Then things would get better. Things would be fixed and it made me feel better thinking that he was the one that had fixed things.
It wasn't until I was about 17 that I really accepted things and realised that no matter what, it was fate and I couldn't have changed a thing or made a difference.
No matter how hard or how bad things seem, I am a firm believer in things happen for a reason I know that it took me that long to realise and accept this. For some people it's lesser or longer, but I look up to him for guidance. So many times I've needed an answer and I've found myself asking for a sign just so I know he can hear me, and I've got one.
No matter what, everyone will pass away some day, its just life, it's just a matter of how you will deal with it and hopefully use it to help others. I've been there, felt the pain of losing someone you dearly love, and now it feels good to be able to try to help someone who's asking the same questions that I was asking at the very beginning of it all. There's no set answers for any of it, hopefully just knowing that your not alone, and wether its five years or fifty years, things do get easier, and always remember that no matter what, your beautiful boys are looking down on you, guiding you through every step of the way.
God Bless
Amy
A 13 year olds perspective on the death of her cousin. Sent to me to help me see how my 10 year old daughter may be dealing with the death of her brothers.
It's kinda hard trying to think of a starting point. I spose the start is as good a place as any.
How do you deal with the loss of a loved one at any point in your life? It's a question I don't think I'll ever know the answer to because in a way I still haven't dealt with it. One day you wake up, it's a warm autumn day; you have your breakfast, shower, get dressed, and do all the normal things like any other day. Then suddenly something a little different happens, suddenly, it isn't like any other day. There's your heart skipping a beat, the lump in your throat, the tears dwelling in you eyes; and this is before you've even heard.
i'm referring to my experience when I lost my beautiful cousin Bobby, who was in fact only 3 months older than me!. It was at that weekend soccer match where I felt me whole world crumble before me. Sitting on the grandstand with my cousin and friends; laughing and having fun like any other day. Then my dad came walking over, still in his work uniform. About 10 metres away from me, hasn't even spoken a word, but for some reason I already knew. Then there's the skipped heart beat, the lump and the tears. It feels like a life time and dad is finally next to me telling that he's gone, he's never coming back.
I find myself pinching my skin so hard to try and wake up from the nightmare. It doesn't work. My first thought was to run, run so fast and so far away from everyone, but I couldn't do that to dad. So I pull myself together, say goodbye to my friends and go home. Me, dad and Amanda (my cousin) drive 5 minutes from the soccer game to my house, it feels like forever. Up until that point I didn't know that dads cried. We got into the driveway turned the car off. I looked at dad, he looked at me, and then he held me tighter than ever and cried. I cried, but more so because I saw him cry, it still hadn't hit me.
We walked inside, mum was there and some other people but I don't remember who. I looked out the back door, everyone was crying, I just wanted to be alone. I walked into the bathroom, locked the door, fell to the ground and silently screamed. I was only 13, how the hell can this be happening? Everything was normal, nice and happy until now. What is going on? This cant be happening, THIS CANT BE HAPPENING!!!!!! But it was, it was from then on that I realised it was real.
I didn't like to talk to a lot of people about it, mainly just talked to mum, dad, my sisters and close family. I liked to talk about the good times. All the funny stuff I remembered happening, it made me block out the sadness. I didn't want to think about that. I loved hearing other people's funny stories, I just wanted to keep thinking about the memories I liked because I didn't want to forget.
These were the first initial stages, and then there was the funeral. The part where you know its real, there's all these people coming up to you telling you how sorry they are, I'm sorry too but it isn't going to change anything, so I felt the best thing for me to do was write. I liked writing poetry, so it helped me to deal with losing him. Just before the funeral, I wrote a poem that I wanted to give to my aunty, it made me feel better and I hoped in some way that it would make her feel better too. I couldn't imagine how she felt, I know how I felt but he wasn't my child. So I wrote the poem and read it out at the funeral. The priest wasn't too happy when I said the word fart in church, but it made people laugh and I liked that.
Then after the funeral I stopped thinking about all the good memories and it started to get darker, I just couldn't get my head around all this stuff, I didn't want to feel the way I did but I couldn't help it. It wouldn't go away, so I found myself writing so many poems, but not just poems, just stuff, I just wrote anything, it usually didn't even make sense, then I would scribble all over it, rip out the page and throw it out. Nothing felt good. I couldn't understand why I still felt like this, was this how every teenager felt? Or just teenagers who have had to deal with something like this? I didn't have the answers, and I was so angry with god. Then I wrote this:
Dear God.....
Another year without his face
Lost for words without a trace.
Please god take my life away
So he can be the one to stay.
Another day, cross off the date
Show me direction so I can think straight.
Youl've shown me dark now show me light
What you've done is just not right!
You've taken a Childs life away
Why was he the one to pay?
Why not me .... take me instead
Why is he the one who's dead?
A stupid choice I'd have to say
Taking a 14yera olds life away.
'for the best is what you said'
To lay him in his eternal bed.
If your really a god then why all this?
Don't you realise how much he's missed?
You're just a lie, so practice what you preach
Now he's in heaven so far out of my reach
'In God's care' a phrase you use
Of all existence it was him you had to choose.
You say you're a God and I just can't see
Why you would make someone as unhappy as me.
You took him away exactly 14 years after he arrived
So why bring him into this world knowing he wouldn't survive?
There was no one to blame but I couldn't accept that. So I suppose that was the only way I could deal with it... if I blamed someone. I couldn't work out if the way I felt inside was normal, being a very sensitive and emotional person I just thought it was me, and maybe how every teenager my age felt. The older I got the easier it got, but from 14 and a half on wards till I was about 26, I went through a bit of a rebellious stage. I started smoking, drinking on the weekends and sneaking out of my window with my friends. We would go out at about 11pm, then party all night and come home about 4am, so silly!!. But it was just fun, I got into a bit of trouble sometimes and when I felt upset I found myself crying, talking to Bobby, saying sorry to him and asking that if he fixed things I would promises never to do it again. Then things would get better. Things would be fixed and it made me feel better thinking that he was the one that had fixed things.
It wasn't until I was about 17 that I really accepted things and realised that no matter what, it was fate and I couldn't have changed a thing or made a difference.
No matter how hard or how bad things seem, I am a firm believer in things happen for a reason I know that it took me that long to realise and accept this. For some people it's lesser or longer, but I look up to him for guidance. So many times I've needed an answer and I've found myself asking for a sign just so I know he can hear me, and I've got one.
No matter what, everyone will pass away some day, its just life, it's just a matter of how you will deal with it and hopefully use it to help others. I've been there, felt the pain of losing someone you dearly love, and now it feels good to be able to try to help someone who's asking the same questions that I was asking at the very beginning of it all. There's no set answers for any of it, hopefully just knowing that your not alone, and wether its five years or fifty years, things do get easier, and always remember that no matter what, your beautiful boys are looking down on you, guiding you through every step of the way.
God Bless
Amy
posted by Michelle @ 10:29 PM
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