How quickly one can change
GRIEF is such a wicked thing, so all consuming, it can turn even the strongest of people into the saddest, most lonely and lost soles. How do we continue? The questions the bereaved ask, why me? Why my son's? When will the day come where I will say, ok I know how to go on, I know the direction I must take? These questions are pointless to ask really, there is no answer, I don't think there will be a defining moment, perhaps it just blows over you one day, perhaps as they say, time is the healer, although the idea that I could reach a point where I would no longer miss my son's is obscene to me, I must go on, some how I must find the strength to create a new normal. I say a new normal because once you have lost a loved one your normal ceases to exist, the reality is I will never be the same person again, what is left when you feel that the best part of your heart has been cut out and buried with your loved one/s. What is left? That's the true question to ask, but again who can answer that, I think from my own perspective, only I can can answer such a question, only I can determine what is next.
I guess how we deal with each day is determined so often by those swinging moods that we have on a daily or even hourly basis.
What do you do when the grief is so raw, so deep that it can hit in the most unlikely places. Sometime ago I had to attend a dentist appointment, something that has never bothered me in the past, this time it was painful, emotionally, I remember sitting in the waiting room thinking about the last time Mat, myself and my daughter were there, Mat was getting work done to create a beautiful smile, of course I already thought he had one but he wanted his teeth to be straight so we had embarked on a long journey of dentist visits, so here I was thinking about the time he came and I let him have gas for the first time, it was so funny, he laughed, we all laughed, and yet the fact that it was so funny couldn't give me the strength to get through my dentist appointment without crying in the chair, usually the gas made me laugh, not this time, I found myself apologizing to the dentist for the tears, I said " normally I would be laughing, I'm so sorry" he said " Ah!! but what's normal?". The wave of grief can come when your out buying a chicken at the supermarket, the noise of the people, the rushing here and there, the crowd, for me this was a terrifying experience, here I am about to purchase a chicken and then I feel that wave, Its almost as if I could see the storm cloud, it was that visible to me, my legs start to shake, I want to bite my nails and all the while saying to my self, " please no not here". Over the past 4 months I have had many occasion where I have become so overwhelmed with the gut wrenching pain that accompanies the emotions of grief, I find myself saying, " please no not here, just let me get this job done, just wait until I get to the car" I want to scream at everyone around me, "don't you know, my son's are dead, what are you people thinking?" But that's just it isn't it, they aren't thinking, they aren't thinking of you, why should they, your no part of their life.......
This brings me to something I have learnt and perhaps it may help others, if you don't tell people how you are, how you truly are then how will they know, I have had to learn to accept that I will cry at the drop of a hat, that I will be angry for the littlest thing, that all the people around will not know what to say or do even though I expect it... For this reason I say, feel the grief, talk about it, share it, then perhaps it will become faded. Surround yourself with people you know will listen, ask the people around you to talk about the missing loved ones, when they ask how you are , tell them exactly, if they don't want to hear it or deal with it then that's their problem, you have enough emotional crap to deal with without worrying about how others feel about the way you are dealing with this.
To the friends of the bereaved, please don't think you will upset us by doing this, think about it, how could we possibly be any more upset? We are experiencing the unthinkable, the imaginable. I said to a friend recently, I am upset and sad everyday, its just the degree of sadness or upset that changes, nothing you say or do will change that, NOTHING!!
I guess how we deal with each day is determined so often by those swinging moods that we have on a daily or even hourly basis.
What do you do when the grief is so raw, so deep that it can hit in the most unlikely places. Sometime ago I had to attend a dentist appointment, something that has never bothered me in the past, this time it was painful, emotionally, I remember sitting in the waiting room thinking about the last time Mat, myself and my daughter were there, Mat was getting work done to create a beautiful smile, of course I already thought he had one but he wanted his teeth to be straight so we had embarked on a long journey of dentist visits, so here I was thinking about the time he came and I let him have gas for the first time, it was so funny, he laughed, we all laughed, and yet the fact that it was so funny couldn't give me the strength to get through my dentist appointment without crying in the chair, usually the gas made me laugh, not this time, I found myself apologizing to the dentist for the tears, I said " normally I would be laughing, I'm so sorry" he said " Ah!! but what's normal?". The wave of grief can come when your out buying a chicken at the supermarket, the noise of the people, the rushing here and there, the crowd, for me this was a terrifying experience, here I am about to purchase a chicken and then I feel that wave, Its almost as if I could see the storm cloud, it was that visible to me, my legs start to shake, I want to bite my nails and all the while saying to my self, " please no not here". Over the past 4 months I have had many occasion where I have become so overwhelmed with the gut wrenching pain that accompanies the emotions of grief, I find myself saying, " please no not here, just let me get this job done, just wait until I get to the car" I want to scream at everyone around me, "don't you know, my son's are dead, what are you people thinking?" But that's just it isn't it, they aren't thinking, they aren't thinking of you, why should they, your no part of their life.......
This brings me to something I have learnt and perhaps it may help others, if you don't tell people how you are, how you truly are then how will they know, I have had to learn to accept that I will cry at the drop of a hat, that I will be angry for the littlest thing, that all the people around will not know what to say or do even though I expect it... For this reason I say, feel the grief, talk about it, share it, then perhaps it will become faded. Surround yourself with people you know will listen, ask the people around you to talk about the missing loved ones, when they ask how you are , tell them exactly, if they don't want to hear it or deal with it then that's their problem, you have enough emotional crap to deal with without worrying about how others feel about the way you are dealing with this.
To the friends of the bereaved, please don't think you will upset us by doing this, think about it, how could we possibly be any more upset? We are experiencing the unthinkable, the imaginable. I said to a friend recently, I am upset and sad everyday, its just the degree of sadness or upset that changes, nothing you say or do will change that, NOTHING!!
posted by Michelle @ 10:31 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home