I just can't believe it
There are many times a day that I find myself saying " I just can't believe it". I find it very difficult to cope with the reality of the death of my sons and accept the changes in my life and those around me. It is hard to accept that despite my feelings, behaviours and regrets, nothing will bring them back, nothing I do or anyone says will change the fact that my beautiful son's are dead ( I think it has been a long time since I told them how beautiful and precious they are, sadly its too late for that, I have to hope that somehow they knew how much they were/are loved and how special they are.
This acknowledgment of our new reality is even more difficult when the calendar marks another day, week or month since I last saw or spoke to them. This Monday the 14th marked the 4 month mark for me, It has been 16 weeks since I spoke to Brendon,16 and a half since I spoke to Mat and probably closer to 18 weeks since I saw them last,I cant believe I'm living this damn nightmare. I MISS THEM SO MUCH!!!
They say that grief can come in waves, I pray for the waves cause everyday for me feels like a tsunami. Monday as usual was a very difficult day, for some reason as much as I tried I just could not stop replaying the events of that day, I try so hard to keep busy and not think about it as life goes on for everyone and sadly I have no time to grieve that day I have to go to work.
The pain inside for all grieving parents is different, so individual, but I liken it to... Well I cant match it to anything I've ever experienced, the hole inside feels so black, so big, sometimes I feel that it will swallow me from the inside, the pain in my heart is crushing, so overwhelmingly heavy that its really hard to get out of bed and carry on with everyone else's day.
I asked a friend of mine " how will I get through another 16 weeks knowing that I will not see them or hear them? She said " the same way you have got through these 16 weeks, it will get a little easier as time goes by. I read a quote the other day, which is so true, " TIME, is an important aspect of grief. For the bereaved, TIME-stands still, weighs heavily, passes & heals" They say painful feelings will diminish with time, I cant imagine this but common sense tells me I must believe it other wise I will be left with no hope, a hope that someday I will be able to enjoy the sun, smile, laugh and appreciate life again.
This acknowledgment of our new reality is even more difficult when the calendar marks another day, week or month since I last saw or spoke to them. This Monday the 14th marked the 4 month mark for me, It has been 16 weeks since I spoke to Brendon,16 and a half since I spoke to Mat and probably closer to 18 weeks since I saw them last,I cant believe I'm living this damn nightmare. I MISS THEM SO MUCH!!!
They say that grief can come in waves, I pray for the waves cause everyday for me feels like a tsunami. Monday as usual was a very difficult day, for some reason as much as I tried I just could not stop replaying the events of that day, I try so hard to keep busy and not think about it as life goes on for everyone and sadly I have no time to grieve that day I have to go to work.
The pain inside for all grieving parents is different, so individual, but I liken it to... Well I cant match it to anything I've ever experienced, the hole inside feels so black, so big, sometimes I feel that it will swallow me from the inside, the pain in my heart is crushing, so overwhelmingly heavy that its really hard to get out of bed and carry on with everyone else's day.
I asked a friend of mine " how will I get through another 16 weeks knowing that I will not see them or hear them? She said " the same way you have got through these 16 weeks, it will get a little easier as time goes by. I read a quote the other day, which is so true, " TIME, is an important aspect of grief. For the bereaved, TIME-stands still, weighs heavily, passes & heals" They say painful feelings will diminish with time, I cant imagine this but common sense tells me I must believe it other wise I will be left with no hope, a hope that someday I will be able to enjoy the sun, smile, laugh and appreciate life again.
posted by Michelle @ 1:47 PM
1 Comments:
At 12:45 AM,
Michelle said…
Thank you Terri for your comments, and yes I agree that having the support of others in the same situation does seem to help, just knowing you are not alone I guess.
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