A new normal????

A new normal.... That is the reality that I am faced with on a daily bases, accepting that our old life no longer exists, we now have to find a new normal. How much we take for granted in life is now very apparent to me and its sad to think that a tragedy of such magnitude had to bring it home.

I DON'T WANT A NEW NORMAL, I was happy with my old life, this is not life to me now, it is simply an existence, no sense of purpose, no direction, I know from people I have spoken to and from what I have read that a new normal will emerge. I ache for the old normal, the normal that had me dropping Mat off to school, collecting from school, dropping him off at the train station at 4 am, coming home to his 1800 reverse message, " mum can you pick me up", yelling at him to get out of bed in the morning because he's going to make us all late, listening to his cheeky often silly remarks, watching him and Todd wrestle - Mat in pain and loving it, I want to hear Mat and Georgia fighting again as siblings do, I want to hear his computer running to the wee hours of the morning, I want to hear him complain about having to mind his sister, or grumbling about dinner, I want to see him get angry at me for not letting him do something, I want to have arguments about his hair and lack of hair cuts, I WANT MAT BACK...... I want to see Brendon again, I want to hear his computer running all night, I want to rouse at him for being lazy, I want to be able to ask him for help with my computer, I want to see him pace the floor in that annoying way while he was talking on the phone, I want him to ring me in the middle of the day and say " mum are you bringing home any food" which meant I'm too lazy to make a sandwich can you bring home takeaway, I want to buy it for him and then grumble about it. I want to be able to ask him to help his sister with maths, and take her shopping, I want to see her stand beside him again and look up at him as only a little sister can, I want to hear his voice, I want to hear him call me 'small's' (his nick name for me on occasion) MATE, I WANT YOU BACK...

I miss my young men so much, I don't think about them every day, I think about them every minute of every hour of every day. I wasn't aware of just how much I spoke of them through the day, I am know because evertime I mention them someone inside me says, they are not here anymore remember!! I don't think they ever knew just how much I spoke of them, just how much I loved them, of course they wouldn't because I never told them, that's just it, we don't tell people how we feel about them enough, how true it is the saying you never know what you've got until it's gone' I don't think they even knew how proud of them I was, regardless of my winging at them, and for that I am truly regretful.

I see and hear often, parents grumbling about their kids, yelling at them and compaining, don't they know how lucky they are? NO, and as parents we don't, we complain that the kids take us for granted, that we will be there for them always, to cook,to clean, to wash and to guide, when reality is that WE TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED, how dare we presume that we own them, that we are to have them for the rest of our days after all they are ours! We bought them into this world, we control them, when in actual fact they control us, they give us a sense of direction and purpose, they guide us in the decisions we make, all be it in a subconscious way.

At the moment I feel I will never understand why or how this could happen to me and mine, I try to find some reasoning in it, how could they have been here for such a short time? Had they served their purpose? Did they teach me all they needed to? Or is the lesson only just beginning??????