Special dates - The first of many first's

Yesterday was my daughters 11th birthday, she had invited friends of my son's and was looking forward to such a great time. The morning started out the same for me, convincing my self to get up and face yet another day, this time though, I was supposed to be excited, afterall it was Georgias birthday, she was excited and so should I be.

Little did she know that since the Thursday before had I had been working myself into some kind of frenzied state, the mere thought of having this celebration for the first time in 11 years without my boys was devastating to me. By the weekend prior I was well and truly on a downward spiral towards that abyss of emotions that we as bereaved parents experience. I had, by Sunday evening cried more tears than I thought possible in a weekend, I was sick in the stomach, couldn't eat and had the worst headache imaginable, as if the emotional turmoil of grief isn't enough we have to endure the physical aspects as well.

Monday I had to go to work as usual but as Wednesday came closer I felt sicker and sadder, How will I do this? How can I face all those kids knowing they are only here because Mat and Brendon are not?, and How dare I even begin to think about having a laugh, A PARTY OH MY GOD!!! And all the while knowing how excited Georgia was getting, and why shouldn't she, afterall its her party, and that is the defining statement that got me through a 2 hour party, It was her day, all I had to do was get through 2 hours, that's not too much to expect is it?????

During the course of the evening the weight in my chest I cant describe but I felt so heavy, I just felt as if I was being kicked while I was down, the kids were all laughing and chatting as teenagers do, Georgia was having a ball, everyone eating and drinking, I had to keep going to sit in a quiet room just for a brief moment, to gather myself, then I would rejoin them, not doing much just sitting and watching, then I thought I should make an effort so I attempted to help them out with party games etc.

It was 7:50 when I felt I couldn't contain it anymore I had to go in side and leave them to it, by then I felt like I had been holding my breath for 2 hours and when the tears started I just couldn't stop, got my partner to start to get them all moving as it was a school night. Then came the good byes, I felt like I just wanted to hold them all so close, I wanted to say don't go, stay, I MISS MY BOYS SO MUCH.

Still all was quiet by 9 and I thought to my self, well self you got through it, relatively unscathed, everyone had a good time, and most were oblivious to the intense pain that I was going through.
I think I got through the evening because I handed over most of the evening to someone else to organize, I only sat and watched, plus I planned or rather Georgia planned, I think planning in advance for these special dates is important, although it is hard. I have asked my friend to help with the planning of Christmas as I don't even want to contemplate it, I think too that making some kind of contigency plans are good, after all, what if on the day, as often happens, you find that you cant go through with it, you find that you would rather be on your own, keep someone on notice.
So ,NOW I WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS What a thought!

Pictured above; My daughter Georgia