Reflections

Today is my birthday (new years eve) and it has me thinking, not only about the boys, I think of them every minute of every day, but about all the new years eve's I have missed with them. Having a birthday on such a special day has always meant party time for me, I wanted to be out with friends and celebrate, as I got alder and my friends and I had children the going out wasn't so easy and staying up until midnight even harder, but we still managed to celebrate. All those times that I went out at night and left the kids with sitters or as in the past couple of years to their own devises, if only I had realized that the celebration for new years eve were going to come to an end so soon.... All those missed opportunities. Last year the kids, Todd and I all went out for lunch, I looked at the photos from that day recently and there isn't one of the boys and I, the memories I have in my mind are al that's left of that day. All the times I grumbled to Brendon to buy me a present "because I'm your mum" all the times I winged about how slack he was, why didn't I realize then that I had the best present of all I had them!! You know why, because we never appreciate anything until its gone, isn't that the truth.

The main present I ever remember the boys getting me one year was when they might have been about 7 and 10, Brendon all serious bought me a desk pen set, it was very him at the time, really into school, quiet and sensible and Mat, well be bought me a mirror that when you picked it up to look in it it screamed, so absolutely Mat. Those presents were so special because they were so individual... What happened to those gifts, who knows, they have been lost as is often the case, again we take things for granted, thinking that they will always be around, if only I had known.

So today Georgia wants to celebrate, she asked me last night if I was excited about my impending birthday, I said "no", after all what is there to celebrate, the fact that for the rest of my life I will have to have birthdays with out them... I cant imagine ever celebrating again, and besides who wants to start a new year not me..

Picture above: Lunch out with kids 2004

Christmas day

Well what can I say other than thank goodness its over, it was one of the hardest days I have had to deal with yet, the sad thing is that it will come again and again and again, there will be no escaping it. Christmas is supposed to be a time of happiness, celebrations, party's, good food and friends but for me and anyone in my situation its far from that, it is such a stressful time and very challenging. Unless you have experienced such a loss I don't think you could understand the incredible yearning, sadness and anger that seems to intensify around this time.

Imagine how hard it is to put on a brave face for everyone else around you knowing that they are supposed to be celebrating, they don't want to see tears or even shed them at this time, but inside that's all you want to do. For me the reality of my new life hit home, my god I thought, it's really true I will never see, hear,feel or talk to them again.

Something that I find hard to comprehend is why won't people talk about the missing ones from the table or the celebrations, why was not a mention of their names given at any point in the day, is it because everyone thinks that they will avoid making the grieving person sadder by mentioning them? (that's not going to happen, its not possible to make us any sadder) is it because it's too hard for everyone else? Is it because people fell safer not to say anything in case they ruin the party? While the reality of of the empty chairs at Christmas breakfast is painful the memories of events or Christmas past can be sweet, I think, I cant say for sure because there was not one mention of my boys at the breakfast table, not one mention of their names or things they had done in the past, its as if they don't exist or never had, they are out of sight so no longer required to talk about them.... Can I say from the grieving persons point of view , that's what we want to hear, we want to hear fond memories of Christmas past.

I know that people cannot assist the grieving if we as the bereaved do not tell you how, I find myself often lost for words, and even if I did have the words you wouldn't want to hear them because although they have the undertone of sadness, more often than not they are filled with anger, and although not directed at the person they are said, I often think that offence may be taken so it's best not to speak at all.... But for me on Christmas morning all I wanted to say while watching my family and friends celebrate was " hey they are still here, can someone speak of them or to them, or acknowledge them some how"

I managed to survive the day as I am sure many have before me and sadly many will after me, but it is not without a cost.. Mentally, emotionally and physically it is draining, Christmas eve all I wanted to do was sleep and Christmas day I couldn't wait until everyone left so I could sleep, it's as if its our bodies way of helping us to recover from this tragic change to our life.. For me I want to sleep so the time goes quick, plus; while I am sleeping I am not thinking or crying, its a brief reprieve from this tragedy which is to be the dictator of everything that I do from now on.

Some tips on how to help the bereaved ( from my own perspective, these may not work for other) :

• If you would normally buy a present for the family member who is missing, how about making or buying a special tree decoration in their memory, it will show the bereaved that you still think of the missing loved one and it will make you feel good because although you feel helpless at this time you will feel that you are doing something.
  
• Make a toast to the person or in my case my son's, they are young men they would appreciate that, share a story or 2, you have no idea how much the bereaved person will welcome that, it will help them and others around.. The 'remember when's' will get everyone chatting and laughing
  
• Write a Christmas card for the person who has died, the grieving will cherrish that and will put it away with other memories to talk about in the future, its important(for the person who has suffered the loss) to treat any situation as if they are still there.
  
• If you visit the grave site, tell the bereaved, in my case a friend of mine told me she had been and said a few words to the boys and that she saw someone else going there as well, that was comforting to me to know that she cared, that she took time out of her day to go.
  
• Most importantly; share memories and stories, we need to know that they are not forgotten and that the mention of their names or things that they had done are not now a taboo topic. When you are grieving as I am memories are hard to re-call and its very helpful for others to help out in this area.

Merry Christmas, my special angels, I know you were with me... Bren I know you would have loved the big breakfast and eaten all the food you wanted without any consideration to anyone else getting any, and you would have had some of those long winded over exaggerated stories to share with us all and Mat I know you would have loved being the centre of attention and entertained us all in some form whether it be some of your silly faces, sayings or just your cheeky ways, we all miss you boys but I miss you most, I look forward to sharing a Christmas table with you again..Love mumXXX

Picture above: One of our many holidays together before it became embarrassing for Brendon to do holidays with the family :)

Just something to share

I received this lovely email today:


Hi Michelle,
I just wanted to share something with you that my 5 year old daughter Tali said this morning, My mum went to visit my son’s grave this morning, and I asked her to take photos of it for me as she had put flowers there and stuff, anyways mum came over this morning to see us and she was showing me the pictures she took of Tyler and my pop’s graves and Tali piped up all serious like and said “Granna, did you see Brendon when you visited heaven? “ … it bought a tear to my eye the innocence of a child.

I just thought I would share this to let you know Brendon even has etched his memory into my kids hearts aswell :)

A poem

One of Brendon's friend's wives sent me this poem today along with heart felt wishes and thoughts for Christmas. She also lost a child so understands my pain and especially the pain of those firsts, of which we are about to experience our first big one... Even Georgia said to me this morning it doesn't feel like it will be Christmas eve tomorrow mum.... I wonder when we will be able to celebrate such events happily again?

~Too beautiful for Earth~

If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true,
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back;
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears,
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
And happy memories too.

I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

An angel in the Book of Life
Wrote down my children's names
And whispered as She closed The Book
"Too beautiful for Earth"

An experience to share

Something both wonderful and upsetting happened to my self and my daughter yesterday and for those of you that know me and read this, I thought we might share it, as strange and unbelievable as it may seem I have to truly believe that it was a sign.. Well after thinking about it most of the night I see no other explanation other than it was a message from our angels, but in particular Mathew.

My daughter was at the fridge, standing there with the door open looking for a drink as they do, when she shut the door and turned around, she could smell something familiar, she called to me and said " mum can you come here there's something familiar here" I proceeded to the kitchen, when I saw her face I could see she was up set, I said "what's up" she just said smell. When I breathed in a big sniff I could smell Mats deodorant, my heart skipped a beat, I started to cry and said to her that's Mats deodorant, she said I know. Little tears started rolling down her cheeks, and I have to say that she doesn't as a rule cry in front of me or anyone, we both stood there, we could smell it so clearly, it was the smell we used to smell when he would have a shower and come to the kitchen to make peanut butter toast, it was as if he was there but we couldn't see him, we both just stood there, arm around each other, not really knowing what to make of it.

It seemed to last for a minute or 2 and then was gone, we looked around the room and both agreed that Mat must have been there, or maybe he was still there.
I asked Georgia if she had sprayed it, as you do (I was looking for a logical explanation) Georgia went to get Todds deodorant, we sprayed it but it wasn't the same. We knew it was Mats smell.

We sat back on the lounge and just cried a little and then spoke about them, I told her I mostly miss calling out to the boys, saying there name, its not normal for a mum to not be calling her children for one thing or another.. She then told me that often when she walks down the boys end of the house (where their rooms are) that she feels funny in her tummy and heart, I said maybe that's her self sensing they are there, she agreed.

Now if this event had occurred to only Georgia I would think she was making it up, despite what I have read about such things I still have an element of doubt, If it had happened to me on my own I would have tried to explain it and find some logical explanation, however; as it happened to both of us what else can we believe, the fact that it made Georgia cry meant it had some impact and that she too truly believed he was there. I think Mat was trying to let us know that he was there, or that they are both with us in some form even though we can't see them. I guess they see me cry daily about the impending Christmas celebrations and the new year, and they would hear me saying how much I miss them and love them, and I guess they have even heard me say can we have a sign, just something to show you are here, maybe my thoughts have been answered??? I have to believe so.

Over the past few weeks I have mentioned things that have occurred, me witnessing a car accident, me talking to the Chaplin and having the 2 hours and 20 minutes of missing time filled in, and now this.... There is also something else that happened in front of my self and my girlfriend a couple of days after the funeral, an ornament that Mat & Georgia had broken and I have patched up, the broken part fell off, I put it back on and it fell off again, now this broken part hasn't fallen off since the day I repaired it, that has been several years since. So I guess I have had 4 signs, I just didn't see them through the fog of sadness that is now my daily companion.

So where does that leave me this morning, I guess it gives me comfort knowing that they are here with me I just cant see them ( it is by far no a consolation though), and if I believe then I will feel them with me, its just really hard when all I want to do is see them, hug them, talk to them.

Answers and Milestones

This week marked the 5 month mark for the death of my son's (wed the 14th Dec) it may as well be the 5 hour mark to me, I don't feel any different, should I feel different, I thought I might as time went on, but I think when they say time heals all pain, when your grieving they mean time as in years not months... As I said it may as well have been the 5 hour mark, the sadness was so heavy in my chest that day I felt suffocated, I found it very difficult to breath, to think,to care, and I spent the best part of every minute shaking my head and saying this can't be happening, why am I living this nightmare? HOW CAN THIS BE?

something did happen though, that has given me some peace as strange at it may sound, and I think I will take it as a sign from my the boys, perhaps its there way of helping me. For most of this 5 months I have been saying to my friends that I have a 2 hour and 20 minute gap from when I spoke to Brendon to when I found out that they had passed away, that needed to be filled, of course as the mum ( as I expect would be normal for anyone) I filled that time gap with my own version of events, but now I have them filled, I had the opportunity to speak with the Chaplin who was at the scene of the accident almost from the time it happened till the end stages... This man filled my time gap, I was able to ask him questions like, describe the scene to me, who was there, where the boys alive even if only for a moment? Did they call out for anyone? Were they alone? And many more questions, all of which he was very forthcoming with the information. I cried the whole time, he was very patient, but these were things I needed to know, finally I know. So where did that leave me, I stayed up for a little while just trying to process everything I had heard, I had a restless sleep, and have felt fairly bad since, but I needed to know and I know from people that I have spoken to who have experienced this nightmare and continue to live it that this is all normal.

so maybe it was a sign, I have know witnessed an accident scene as I mentioned in an earlier entry, I no know what happened on the day so perhaps my boys have answered my thoughts, perhaps this is their way of saying ok mum now you know, you have what you asked for.... There is nothing to be done with this information really, I will share it with some, but mostly it is for my own sanity, I can stop wondering, Ill never know the full version of the events from their perspective but at least I have the peace in knowing they had someone with them and for that I am truly grateful.

So as the 5 month mark passes we face a new milestone, Christmas, my daughter said the other day "mum its only 11 days till Christmas" in my mind I said OH MY GOD!! outloud I said to her" is it, I guess you might like to put up the tree" I know this is equally hard for her, I see her pain, the sadness in her little face, the moods and attitude(which I might add are usually there, but are now compounded with grief)for her the 1st week in December usually marked the time when her and her Brother Mat would put up the tree, Brendon became too big for such an event, he and I would just watch, but this year I think she has tried to put it off, I suppose she is facing her own internal torment, being 11 she has the excitement that Christmas would usually bring but she also has the loss of her brothers and her first Christmas without them to contend with.
I have tried to research how best we can cope at this time, how I can help her and others, but how can I help others when I cant help myself?? The tree is up now, so that horrible thought I had when she told me how many days were left is now a reality, I have to look at it every day, last night her and Todd wrapped presents, I wish Todd could have realized that watching them caused me such sadness ( I had hoped they would do it in the other room and I could remain oblivious to it, I think Georgia wanted to involve me), don't they realize that that is usually my job, and because I couldn't give a hoot about it and didn't want to do it and asked them to do it that its a stark reminder to me that my boys wont be here? Everything that is now done different to the way it has always been done is a reminder of the new normal' we are trying to find.

Christmas is supposed to be a happy time, well to all that know me and read this I want to say for me it wont be, of course for all of you Georgia included I will put on a brave face. But please be patient, if I ask to be alone please let me, if I don't want to eat or drink please don't insist, I realize that people who haven't experienced this kind of loss will never truly be able to understand where I am coming from, you will ( and I pray you will never ) never understand the incredible yearning, the sadness and the anger that comes with such a loss and how it is 10 fold at these 'special times" . Just remember on the days leading up to, the Christmas day and the days following that I can't simply shake off the feelings of grief for that period of time, I can hide my feelings but I am sure there will be a cost, remember this added stress may cause me to slide into depression, or I may even have a huge hissy fit, please don't take anything I say or do personally over the next few weeks, just help me get through it by listening, allow me to cry, cry if you want and most of all, even if I don't , please talk about the boys, although I cant think of any good stories at the moment it doesn't mean that I don't want to hear about them, and I know Georgia loves to talk about them so if you only do it for her.

Just remmeber that Christmas and the new year will bring with it the realities of the loss and the changes that Myself, Todd and Georgia face... I realize that you cannot help me unless I tell you how I am feeling, for this reason I share my feelings and thoughts with you about this time, this is my way of helping you cope with me not coping.

A very special friend is always telling me to BELIEVE, well I have to believe that I have had 2 signs from my boys to help me cope over the past couple of weeks (seeing the accident and talking to the Chaplin) and I have to believe that I will enjoy Christmas again (well as best as I use to, never really liked it) maybe I will even enjoy life again..

" Happy Christmas " to everyone, I love you all and ask you to, and thank you for supporting us through this most terrible and unthinkable journey.

The search for answers and help

When you lose a loved one or as in my case two, regardless of who you are the pain will be different for each of us, we will deal with it in different ways, some care to hide from the emotions and keep busy, some care to talk about it and others will seem to stumble through the maize of grief not really knowing what to do and how to do it. I feel I am in the later category, quite contrary to the type of person that I am. As I have said before I don't have a clue as to how I should be dealing with this, or how to help others help me, I can only do what feels right for me at the time, litteraly one day at a time.

Well today for the second time in almost 5 months I went to a clairvoyant, something that I know a lot of grieving mothers may have done. I came home as before, feeling a little worst for wear, no better off...... What was I expecting you might ask, I don't know, I guess what I want to hear is someone say to me that my boys are standing right beside me, that Mat says... And Bren says..., I want someone to fill in the gaps for me, I want to know what happened for them in their last minutes, what was their last conversation as they drove down the road before they took that fatal corner, I want someone to tell me they felt no pain, I want to know they are at a peaceful place, I WANT SO BAD TO KNOW THEY ARE WITH ME. The Clairvoyant told me today that they are, she said they are trying to contact me but I am stopping them, rather my grief is, she said to allow myself to be open to them....... I came home and just thought, "get real, they aren't coming back, they are gone" I know they are in my heart because they are a part of me but how the heck am I supposed to draw comfort from that when the pain of not actually physically seeing them is at most times unbearable.

I have now got 2 candles ready for Christmas and yesterday I had their names engraved on a plaque for each candle, while I was attaching the plaques to the candle my daughter said, "mum you seem like you are having a good day" I said to my self how could I be having a good day I should be wrapping their presents not putting some crappy little silver plaque on a candle for them. I said to her "no I'm not I'm just occupied with a task that's all" when really I should have just said to her (as a wise and experienced friend said to me) thankyou darling, and left it at that. I really wish I didn't get angry at everyone for every dumb thing they say (clairvoyants included), we have to realize that know one knows what to say, to that I suggest that sometimes saying nothing is the best thing, often there is no need for words, as a matter of fact most days especially after work I am too drained to speak, I just want silence.

So will I stop going to see clairvoyants you might ask? I think not because supposedly they are the only ones who can have some aspect of real connection to our loved ones and while there is hope of that connection I'll take whatever method I can..

2 things I find most difficult to comprehend..
1. The fact that I have lost my beautiful boys and I will never see them again, EVER
2. The fact that this is truly a life changing experience, I , my life and everything around me will never be the same.

I truly feel that I am treading water and sometimes I wish I could just let myself sink, cause it is too damn hard!!!

And right now,I feel like I have fifty broken bones and when I'm still, it hurts,and when I move, it hurts even more,no matter what part of me I move,all those broken bones grinding together.

Worst of all,anyone who tries to comfort me moves those bones,hurts me worse.--

Jane Howard Samuels, in Wombmates

A scary experience.

Yesterday I was forced to relive the horrible experience of the night of my sons accident, not that I don't already replay that day and the events leading up to their deaths over and over in my head, but yesterday was different. I was traveling to work on the same road I travel on about 3 days of each week, its nowhere near there accident site, I was just driving as usual when the car in front started to slow down, apparently we were being directed to stop so we did, I was just in a world of my own waiting to be told we could continue, but when we did get the signal to move on and as I came closer to the reason why we had stopped I realized there had been a car accident, OH MY GOD!!! Was my first thought, as we were guided past, I saw the car was upside down with the roof crushed, I tell you now it was a pale mustard coloured car, but at the time I saw my son's maroon ford, I saw their bodies in it, everything came flashing before me, I saw there faces at the morgue, I saw the crushed car, I started to continue to drive but felt that overwhelming sensation of despair and sadness build up, I think I only drove for about 3 minutes it might be less and started shaking, telling my self the whole time, breath, breath, just count, just keep driving, but I couldn't do it, I had to pull over.... I was a wreck. I rang my office and basically said someone has to come I can't drive... I sat there waiting for what seemed to be ages, I watched the police cars, I watched the fire brigade. I saw the traffic come and go and all the time thinking, that's what it would have been like on the afternoon of my son's accident, I was paralyzed with shock, fear, I don't know what I just couldn't move and couldn't stop crying. Thankfully a lady from office was driving past and saw me, I don't remember her coming to me or talking to me or driving us away from the accident site, but I do remember her holding me tight to stop me from shaking.... I was reliving that horrible night and the following days, both emotionally and physically, I felt physically ill.... Is it not bad enough that we as the bereaved have to deal with this on a daily basis in our own minds but we have to also some how prepare ourselves for the what if's, how can one prepare one's self for such a shock, its damn near impossible... I sat in the car for the longest time just screaming and crying, but who could hear me? Could my boys hear me? The lady that was with me said" your boys are with you Michelle, always," well that may be the case and I am yet to really believe it but I'm sorry but it just doesn't cut it.

I keep reading that you must prepare yourself for such things as they are bound to happen, reminders of the kids or the tragedy, try to count and breath when they happen, but its all crap!!! Again my guts were ripped out yesterday, what's left of them.
Needless to say I didn't sleep too soundly, I couldn't eat much and basically have that overwhelming feeling again of I just couldn't give a shit. While I was sitting in the car waiting to be rescued I was wishing my heart would stop, it would be so much easier (for me anyway).

I am sure there are many people who could relate to my experience, as I know now that I haven't joined an exclusive club, there are many of us out there, but boy don't you just feel so alone when things like this happen?

No real purpose for this BLOGG entry today other than hopefully I can get a clear head after down loading it, plus I just wanted to say IT SUCKED.

Christmas

Its almost 11:30 pm, I went to bed 1 hour ago and just couldn't get to sleep. My thoughts are wondering forward to Christmas after all its only 19 days until I experience something that I never imagined possible, my first Christmas in 19 years without Brendon and my first in 16 years without Mat... if you are a parent reading this try to imagine for a moment what that thought might be like, you can't can you?, its almost unthinkable, well for me it will soon be livable, let alone unthinkable. For many the celebration of Christmas on December 25th is a high point of the year. From November onwards, it is impossible to forget that Christmas is coming. In streets around my home as with many, Christmas trees, lights and decorations adorn everyone's front yard and house, there is absolutely no escaping it, even if you wanted to.

I personally have never really enjoyed Christmas because of the lack of connection to my own family, my siblings and parents, we are a disjointed bunch and have been for as long as I can remember. When I had children I was glad to have my own family and looked forward to starting our own Christmas routines. As the kids got older the morning seemed to get quieter but the surprised and happy looks remained the same, WHAT WILL I DO THIS YEAR?? how will I face the day, how can I put on a brave face for my daughter with such pain and anguish in my heart?
I can already feel myself going into that awful downward spiral of emotions, and I notice it in my daughter, for her and her brothers the 1st of December meant " can we put the tree up please mum?" she hasn't asked yet, I feel so bad for her, she's so little to be going through such a tragedy.

I am almost at a loss for words tonight, I feel so sad, and strangely so alone, grief is a really lonely place to be regardless of how many people are around you. I went to bed and started to cry, while my partner started to sleep, how can he lie there, how can even sleep? How dare he breath, I wish everyone could feel my pain and in some sense I wish those closest to me felt it like I do, I hate sometimes that life for everyone else has gone back to normal, where is the fairness in all that?

Its ironic that I have started to write this BLOGG so I can help myself down load the emotions and thoughts going through my head at times when I need to have a clear head to sleep or work, but here I am crying and thinking, I just feel so sad, I just want to sleep though Christmas and wake when its over, sometimes I think I don't even want to wake because it would be an easy way out of this pain. I know people close to me will not like to hear that, but know it, its the truth and I hope that you never know such a feeling of despair that could drive you to such thoughts.

This Christmas is going to take all the strength I can muster up, deep from within me, I hope I can find it..... I LOVE YOU BREN and MAT, and miss you so much. I am going to imagine you are with me everyday in some way, hopefully you will give me strength.

I found this peom, I think it will help my friends and friends of other grieving parents...

Please See Me Through My Tears
You asked, "How are you doing?"As I told you, tears came to my eyes . . .And you looked away and quickly began to talk again.All the attention you had given me drained away.

"How am I doing?" . . .I do better when people listen,though I may shed a tear or two.These feelings are indescribable.If you’ve never felt them you cannot fully understand.Yet I need you.

When you look away,when I’m ignored,I am again alone with them.Your attention means more than you can ever know.Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know!They’re nature’s way of helping me to heal . . .They relieve some of the stress of sadness.I know you fear that askinghow I’m doing brings me sadness . . .but it doesn’t work that way.

The memory of my son's absence is with me,only a thought away.My tears make my loss more visible to you,but you did not cause this sadness.It was already there.When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless,not knowing what to do?You are not helpless,and you don’t need to do a thing but be here for me.When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow,you’ve helped me.You need not speak.

Your silence is all I need.Be patient . . . do not fear.Listening with your heart to "how am I doing"validates what I’m going through,for when the tears can freely come I feel lighter.Talking to you releases what I’ve been wanting to say aloud,clearing space for a touch of joy in my life.I’ll cry for a minute or two . . . then I’ll wipe my eyes,and sometimes you’ll even find I’m laughing in a while.When I hold back my tears, my throat grows tight,my chest aches, my stomach knots . . .because I’m trying to protect you from my tears.Then we both hurt . . .me, because my feelings are held inside,causing pain and a shield against our closeness . . .and you, because suddenly we’re emotionally distant.

So please, take my hand and see me through my tears . . .

– Kelly Osmont, MSW, LCSW, CGP, in What Can I Say and Do? How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving a Loss, © 2000, Centering CorporationReprinted with permission of the publisher.

Internal Torment

I have recently had the occasion to visit a close family member who has just had a new baby, her first baby. This occasion would ordinarily fill me with excitement, I love to see new babies and the excitement of the mum and dad, its especially good when you can visit them and don't have to take them home. I remember those early days, having a new baby in the house, the crying, the lack of sleep the loss of ones self and the many changes that this new life brings to your old.
On this occasion, however, I was filled with panic, firstly it meant that I had to leave the comfort of my own 4 walls to which I retreat each Friday afternoon, not to resurface until Monday morning for work, and secondly it meant that I had to celebrate a new life when I have just lost the lives of two of my own. I can't describe the feelings, on one hand I felt like I was being selfish, how can I put my own feelings before such a special event, on the other hand I was happy for her, but both thoughts caused me to remember the births of both of my sons which in turn reminds me AGAIN that they are no longer with me.

We went to see this precious little miracle, and boy was he little, so tiny, approximately 6lb, my own daughter was only 5lb so it reminded me how tiny she was. While at first when holding the baby I was fine but within minutes that deep deep feeling of sadness came rising up from somewhere so deep within the pit of my stomach, all I could see while holding this baby where my sons, and I thought to my self, how quick they grow up, one minute they are baby's, and then before you turn around they are teenagers, and then as quick as all that, as in my case and many others like me they are gone. I ask so many time how can some supposedly almighty power create such a precious miracle and then have the audacity to take them away?

I held the baby for as long as I could, I felt the tears well up, started to shake and then felt sick how could this happen while holding something so beautiful?, I had to give him back and continue on with my brave face, of course by then I felt so alone in that room I couldn't take it any more and suggested we leave, afterall, it was the new parents special day and I didn't want to ruin it for them. We got into the car, but I still tried to maintain a brave stance, my daughter does not like to see me cry, but I only had the strength required for about 4 minutes, I had to let it out, the pain inside me was overwhelming, I felt gutted, I actually felt physically ill, I just couldn't stop crying, I cried all the way home. That event drained me of energy for the rest of the day, those of you who have grieved will understand that grieving is so trying.

Later that evening I retreated to a book I have been reading, like many books lately it is on life after death. It is amazing to me how my own belief's have been bought into question as a result of such a tragedy. Prior to July 14 I would have said "once you are dead you are dead", even the death of my only close family member fives years ago, my beautiful grandmother didn't change that thought, she was old and sick, I thought it would be nice to think she was with me but didn't give it much thought, now I am desperate to believe that my boys are with me, I cant believe that they have been buried and that's that, I need to know they are with me, they still had so much to do and experience, I've even been to a clairvoyant, as I suppose most bereaved mums might. She told me some things that only I and my family would know, she told me that Mat needed a haircut (something which we argued about constantly) she also mentioned that he loved music and played an instrument (he plays a guitar) as for Brendon she couldn't say much, he never was a great communicator, often very quiet, she just said that he was sorry, and felt such remorse for what had happened (he was driving the car), anyway I guess that gives me hope that they are around me in some form. I have even been thinking about going to church, I have read that if you find an inner peace and forgiveness that it will open you up to them more and they will be able to contact you, apparently they can't contact you when the grief is still so raw and painful. Who knows, all I know is that I am now questioning my own beliefs because I am looking for guidance through this quagmire of grief.

The death of a child is tragic, there is no disputing that and despite what I write there are really no words to describe the pain. Since my sons, have died, I don't think a day goes by where I say to my self "I do not want to live" I find it difficult to imagine a life without Brendon and Mathew, how in the world can I ever expect to be happy again?

I guess I have to beleive that death is Just a new begginning for them and not and end, and that they will always be present with me in spirit, my practical side tells me to draw strength from this, but my what is left of my heart won't hear of it yet, perhaps one day. One thing I know to be true is that one day I will see them again, I just hope its not too long into the future.

I read this the other day and it rings so true:

Mothers and fathers hold their children’s hands for just a little while...And their hearts forever.