Christmas day

Well what can I say other than thank goodness its over, it was one of the hardest days I have had to deal with yet, the sad thing is that it will come again and again and again, there will be no escaping it. Christmas is supposed to be a time of happiness, celebrations, party's, good food and friends but for me and anyone in my situation its far from that, it is such a stressful time and very challenging. Unless you have experienced such a loss I don't think you could understand the incredible yearning, sadness and anger that seems to intensify around this time.

Imagine how hard it is to put on a brave face for everyone else around you knowing that they are supposed to be celebrating, they don't want to see tears or even shed them at this time, but inside that's all you want to do. For me the reality of my new life hit home, my god I thought, it's really true I will never see, hear,feel or talk to them again.

Something that I find hard to comprehend is why won't people talk about the missing ones from the table or the celebrations, why was not a mention of their names given at any point in the day, is it because everyone thinks that they will avoid making the grieving person sadder by mentioning them? (that's not going to happen, its not possible to make us any sadder) is it because it's too hard for everyone else? Is it because people fell safer not to say anything in case they ruin the party? While the reality of of the empty chairs at Christmas breakfast is painful the memories of events or Christmas past can be sweet, I think, I cant say for sure because there was not one mention of my boys at the breakfast table, not one mention of their names or things they had done in the past, its as if they don't exist or never had, they are out of sight so no longer required to talk about them.... Can I say from the grieving persons point of view , that's what we want to hear, we want to hear fond memories of Christmas past.

I know that people cannot assist the grieving if we as the bereaved do not tell you how, I find myself often lost for words, and even if I did have the words you wouldn't want to hear them because although they have the undertone of sadness, more often than not they are filled with anger, and although not directed at the person they are said, I often think that offence may be taken so it's best not to speak at all.... But for me on Christmas morning all I wanted to say while watching my family and friends celebrate was " hey they are still here, can someone speak of them or to them, or acknowledge them some how"

I managed to survive the day as I am sure many have before me and sadly many will after me, but it is not without a cost.. Mentally, emotionally and physically it is draining, Christmas eve all I wanted to do was sleep and Christmas day I couldn't wait until everyone left so I could sleep, it's as if its our bodies way of helping us to recover from this tragic change to our life.. For me I want to sleep so the time goes quick, plus; while I am sleeping I am not thinking or crying, its a brief reprieve from this tragedy which is to be the dictator of everything that I do from now on.

Some tips on how to help the bereaved ( from my own perspective, these may not work for other) :

• If you would normally buy a present for the family member who is missing, how about making or buying a special tree decoration in their memory, it will show the bereaved that you still think of the missing loved one and it will make you feel good because although you feel helpless at this time you will feel that you are doing something.
  
• Make a toast to the person or in my case my son's, they are young men they would appreciate that, share a story or 2, you have no idea how much the bereaved person will welcome that, it will help them and others around.. The 'remember when's' will get everyone chatting and laughing
  
• Write a Christmas card for the person who has died, the grieving will cherrish that and will put it away with other memories to talk about in the future, its important(for the person who has suffered the loss) to treat any situation as if they are still there.
  
• If you visit the grave site, tell the bereaved, in my case a friend of mine told me she had been and said a few words to the boys and that she saw someone else going there as well, that was comforting to me to know that she cared, that she took time out of her day to go.
  
• Most importantly; share memories and stories, we need to know that they are not forgotten and that the mention of their names or things that they had done are not now a taboo topic. When you are grieving as I am memories are hard to re-call and its very helpful for others to help out in this area.

Merry Christmas, my special angels, I know you were with me... Bren I know you would have loved the big breakfast and eaten all the food you wanted without any consideration to anyone else getting any, and you would have had some of those long winded over exaggerated stories to share with us all and Mat I know you would have loved being the centre of attention and entertained us all in some form whether it be some of your silly faces, sayings or just your cheeky ways, we all miss you boys but I miss you most, I look forward to sharing a Christmas table with you again..Love mumXXX

Picture above: One of our many holidays together before it became embarrassing for Brendon to do holidays with the family :)