Internal Torment

I have recently had the occasion to visit a close family member who has just had a new baby, her first baby. This occasion would ordinarily fill me with excitement, I love to see new babies and the excitement of the mum and dad, its especially good when you can visit them and don't have to take them home. I remember those early days, having a new baby in the house, the crying, the lack of sleep the loss of ones self and the many changes that this new life brings to your old.
On this occasion, however, I was filled with panic, firstly it meant that I had to leave the comfort of my own 4 walls to which I retreat each Friday afternoon, not to resurface until Monday morning for work, and secondly it meant that I had to celebrate a new life when I have just lost the lives of two of my own. I can't describe the feelings, on one hand I felt like I was being selfish, how can I put my own feelings before such a special event, on the other hand I was happy for her, but both thoughts caused me to remember the births of both of my sons which in turn reminds me AGAIN that they are no longer with me.

We went to see this precious little miracle, and boy was he little, so tiny, approximately 6lb, my own daughter was only 5lb so it reminded me how tiny she was. While at first when holding the baby I was fine but within minutes that deep deep feeling of sadness came rising up from somewhere so deep within the pit of my stomach, all I could see while holding this baby where my sons, and I thought to my self, how quick they grow up, one minute they are baby's, and then before you turn around they are teenagers, and then as quick as all that, as in my case and many others like me they are gone. I ask so many time how can some supposedly almighty power create such a precious miracle and then have the audacity to take them away?

I held the baby for as long as I could, I felt the tears well up, started to shake and then felt sick how could this happen while holding something so beautiful?, I had to give him back and continue on with my brave face, of course by then I felt so alone in that room I couldn't take it any more and suggested we leave, afterall, it was the new parents special day and I didn't want to ruin it for them. We got into the car, but I still tried to maintain a brave stance, my daughter does not like to see me cry, but I only had the strength required for about 4 minutes, I had to let it out, the pain inside me was overwhelming, I felt gutted, I actually felt physically ill, I just couldn't stop crying, I cried all the way home. That event drained me of energy for the rest of the day, those of you who have grieved will understand that grieving is so trying.

Later that evening I retreated to a book I have been reading, like many books lately it is on life after death. It is amazing to me how my own belief's have been bought into question as a result of such a tragedy. Prior to July 14 I would have said "once you are dead you are dead", even the death of my only close family member fives years ago, my beautiful grandmother didn't change that thought, she was old and sick, I thought it would be nice to think she was with me but didn't give it much thought, now I am desperate to believe that my boys are with me, I cant believe that they have been buried and that's that, I need to know they are with me, they still had so much to do and experience, I've even been to a clairvoyant, as I suppose most bereaved mums might. She told me some things that only I and my family would know, she told me that Mat needed a haircut (something which we argued about constantly) she also mentioned that he loved music and played an instrument (he plays a guitar) as for Brendon she couldn't say much, he never was a great communicator, often very quiet, she just said that he was sorry, and felt such remorse for what had happened (he was driving the car), anyway I guess that gives me hope that they are around me in some form. I have even been thinking about going to church, I have read that if you find an inner peace and forgiveness that it will open you up to them more and they will be able to contact you, apparently they can't contact you when the grief is still so raw and painful. Who knows, all I know is that I am now questioning my own beliefs because I am looking for guidance through this quagmire of grief.

The death of a child is tragic, there is no disputing that and despite what I write there are really no words to describe the pain. Since my sons, have died, I don't think a day goes by where I say to my self "I do not want to live" I find it difficult to imagine a life without Brendon and Mathew, how in the world can I ever expect to be happy again?

I guess I have to beleive that death is Just a new begginning for them and not and end, and that they will always be present with me in spirit, my practical side tells me to draw strength from this, but my what is left of my heart won't hear of it yet, perhaps one day. One thing I know to be true is that one day I will see them again, I just hope its not too long into the future.

I read this the other day and it rings so true:

Mothers and fathers hold their children’s hands for just a little while...And their hearts forever.