Reflections

Today is my birthday (new years eve) and it has me thinking, not only about the boys, I think of them every minute of every day, but about all the new years eve's I have missed with them. Having a birthday on such a special day has always meant party time for me, I wanted to be out with friends and celebrate, as I got alder and my friends and I had children the going out wasn't so easy and staying up until midnight even harder, but we still managed to celebrate. All those times that I went out at night and left the kids with sitters or as in the past couple of years to their own devises, if only I had realized that the celebration for new years eve were going to come to an end so soon.... All those missed opportunities. Last year the kids, Todd and I all went out for lunch, I looked at the photos from that day recently and there isn't one of the boys and I, the memories I have in my mind are al that's left of that day. All the times I grumbled to Brendon to buy me a present "because I'm your mum" all the times I winged about how slack he was, why didn't I realize then that I had the best present of all I had them!! You know why, because we never appreciate anything until its gone, isn't that the truth.

The main present I ever remember the boys getting me one year was when they might have been about 7 and 10, Brendon all serious bought me a desk pen set, it was very him at the time, really into school, quiet and sensible and Mat, well be bought me a mirror that when you picked it up to look in it it screamed, so absolutely Mat. Those presents were so special because they were so individual... What happened to those gifts, who knows, they have been lost as is often the case, again we take things for granted, thinking that they will always be around, if only I had known.

So today Georgia wants to celebrate, she asked me last night if I was excited about my impending birthday, I said "no", after all what is there to celebrate, the fact that for the rest of my life I will have to have birthdays with out them... I cant imagine ever celebrating again, and besides who wants to start a new year not me..

Picture above: Lunch out with kids 2004