A scary experience.

Yesterday I was forced to relive the horrible experience of the night of my sons accident, not that I don't already replay that day and the events leading up to their deaths over and over in my head, but yesterday was different. I was traveling to work on the same road I travel on about 3 days of each week, its nowhere near there accident site, I was just driving as usual when the car in front started to slow down, apparently we were being directed to stop so we did, I was just in a world of my own waiting to be told we could continue, but when we did get the signal to move on and as I came closer to the reason why we had stopped I realized there had been a car accident, OH MY GOD!!! Was my first thought, as we were guided past, I saw the car was upside down with the roof crushed, I tell you now it was a pale mustard coloured car, but at the time I saw my son's maroon ford, I saw their bodies in it, everything came flashing before me, I saw there faces at the morgue, I saw the crushed car, I started to continue to drive but felt that overwhelming sensation of despair and sadness build up, I think I only drove for about 3 minutes it might be less and started shaking, telling my self the whole time, breath, breath, just count, just keep driving, but I couldn't do it, I had to pull over.... I was a wreck. I rang my office and basically said someone has to come I can't drive... I sat there waiting for what seemed to be ages, I watched the police cars, I watched the fire brigade. I saw the traffic come and go and all the time thinking, that's what it would have been like on the afternoon of my son's accident, I was paralyzed with shock, fear, I don't know what I just couldn't move and couldn't stop crying. Thankfully a lady from office was driving past and saw me, I don't remember her coming to me or talking to me or driving us away from the accident site, but I do remember her holding me tight to stop me from shaking.... I was reliving that horrible night and the following days, both emotionally and physically, I felt physically ill.... Is it not bad enough that we as the bereaved have to deal with this on a daily basis in our own minds but we have to also some how prepare ourselves for the what if's, how can one prepare one's self for such a shock, its damn near impossible... I sat in the car for the longest time just screaming and crying, but who could hear me? Could my boys hear me? The lady that was with me said" your boys are with you Michelle, always," well that may be the case and I am yet to really believe it but I'm sorry but it just doesn't cut it.

I keep reading that you must prepare yourself for such things as they are bound to happen, reminders of the kids or the tragedy, try to count and breath when they happen, but its all crap!!! Again my guts were ripped out yesterday, what's left of them.
Needless to say I didn't sleep too soundly, I couldn't eat much and basically have that overwhelming feeling again of I just couldn't give a shit. While I was sitting in the car waiting to be rescued I was wishing my heart would stop, it would be so much easier (for me anyway).

I am sure there are many people who could relate to my experience, as I know now that I haven't joined an exclusive club, there are many of us out there, but boy don't you just feel so alone when things like this happen?

No real purpose for this BLOGG entry today other than hopefully I can get a clear head after down loading it, plus I just wanted to say IT SUCKED.