The search for answers and help

When you lose a loved one or as in my case two, regardless of who you are the pain will be different for each of us, we will deal with it in different ways, some care to hide from the emotions and keep busy, some care to talk about it and others will seem to stumble through the maize of grief not really knowing what to do and how to do it. I feel I am in the later category, quite contrary to the type of person that I am. As I have said before I don't have a clue as to how I should be dealing with this, or how to help others help me, I can only do what feels right for me at the time, litteraly one day at a time.

Well today for the second time in almost 5 months I went to a clairvoyant, something that I know a lot of grieving mothers may have done. I came home as before, feeling a little worst for wear, no better off...... What was I expecting you might ask, I don't know, I guess what I want to hear is someone say to me that my boys are standing right beside me, that Mat says... And Bren says..., I want someone to fill in the gaps for me, I want to know what happened for them in their last minutes, what was their last conversation as they drove down the road before they took that fatal corner, I want someone to tell me they felt no pain, I want to know they are at a peaceful place, I WANT SO BAD TO KNOW THEY ARE WITH ME. The Clairvoyant told me today that they are, she said they are trying to contact me but I am stopping them, rather my grief is, she said to allow myself to be open to them....... I came home and just thought, "get real, they aren't coming back, they are gone" I know they are in my heart because they are a part of me but how the heck am I supposed to draw comfort from that when the pain of not actually physically seeing them is at most times unbearable.

I have now got 2 candles ready for Christmas and yesterday I had their names engraved on a plaque for each candle, while I was attaching the plaques to the candle my daughter said, "mum you seem like you are having a good day" I said to my self how could I be having a good day I should be wrapping their presents not putting some crappy little silver plaque on a candle for them. I said to her "no I'm not I'm just occupied with a task that's all" when really I should have just said to her (as a wise and experienced friend said to me) thankyou darling, and left it at that. I really wish I didn't get angry at everyone for every dumb thing they say (clairvoyants included), we have to realize that know one knows what to say, to that I suggest that sometimes saying nothing is the best thing, often there is no need for words, as a matter of fact most days especially after work I am too drained to speak, I just want silence.

So will I stop going to see clairvoyants you might ask? I think not because supposedly they are the only ones who can have some aspect of real connection to our loved ones and while there is hope of that connection I'll take whatever method I can..

2 things I find most difficult to comprehend..
1. The fact that I have lost my beautiful boys and I will never see them again, EVER
2. The fact that this is truly a life changing experience, I , my life and everything around me will never be the same.

I truly feel that I am treading water and sometimes I wish I could just let myself sink, cause it is too damn hard!!!

And right now,I feel like I have fifty broken bones and when I'm still, it hurts,and when I move, it hurts even more,no matter what part of me I move,all those broken bones grinding together.

Worst of all,anyone who tries to comfort me moves those bones,hurts me worse.--

Jane Howard Samuels, in Wombmates