Everyone's Sadness

I was reminded yesterday that I am not the only one grieving the loss of 2 great young men.. It's not that I don't think that anyone else is, its just that I can't see beyond my own grief most time, for me no one on this planet could be grieving like me and that's true, no one is or will, after all they were my children, I gave birth to them, I raised them, so NO no one will feel the same.. But I received an email from one of my son's mates (Mat's mate Tom) I almost deleted it as I didn't recognize the email address, it started like this,

"hey michelle
how r u. im just emailing u coz i don't really feel good lately. i don't know what to do anymore i cant stand feeling like this all the time i just miss mat so much i cant stand it. i need the kid here so much not a day has gone by when i don't think about him i just miss him. I don't know if its a bad thing but I convince myself he's not really gone on monday when i went to see him i couldn't stop thinkin why am i comin here he'll be back soon n when i think of all the things we and him have done then i think oh its not going to be like that anymore i convince myself hes coming back. i just need him" It went on to say that he missed the silly things they used to do and say to each other etc.

After some tears on my part I realised that this young man, who probably like my boy's, thinks he's invincible, strong and everythings right mate, is reaching out, this young man is sending me an email because he would realise that maybe I am the only one who knows how he feels, this young man, who I might add I hardly know is grieving the loss of a great mate.... It got me thinking that these boys in their teens are at the most crucial part of their life, they are starting to deal with not only all the physical developments that young men endure but the emotional ones too, that bonding that they do that makes them mates, I was thinking in reality he would know my Mat more than I ever could, imagine the conversations they have shared about home, mum and dad, life, girls, the intimate discussions they would have had, the unbounded friendship they share, that closeness that as adults we don't always have... I tried to imagine for a moment the pain he was feeling, he has lost a mate, a buddy, a school friend, a bodyboarding partner.

Like my Mat, Tom has only been on this planet for 16 1/2 years and for 4 of those critical growing years the boys have been together, shared everything, of course he would be grieving, but what can I do for him, he further wrote this in the email.

"people used to always say to me oh it hurts now but in time u'll
fell better. But it hasn't made me feel better I think about him everyday and
they used to say oh just try and get on life but everything I do has changed
and wont be the same what ever I do feels different and I want it to go back
to the way it was but I know it never will" while reading that I thought to my self, I have said those same things, "everything I do has changed and wont be the same what ever I do feels different and I want it to go back to the way it was but I know it never will" despite the fact that he is a teenager, and the friend, he too is grieving the loss and feeling similar things that I as the mum am feeling.

I wondered how I might be able to help him, I jumped on the net to research how to help teens cope with grief, the first 10 sites I looked at had the same or very similar info, but nothing of substance, no encouraging words for me to pass on, and when you think about it, as I have said before there is nothing written to help with this part, the living with out them, there are no words of wisdom, all I can give him is my hand and shoulder for support.. I was thinking that if the tables were turned and it was Mat who needed consoling over the loss of Tom, what would I do, well I would cry with him, I would hug him every time I could, I would talk to him and let him know that what he was felling is crappy but if he shared his thoughts we could feel them together, I would certainly encourage him to talk...(I think that's a key thing to do when grieving, but easier said than done for guy's) so I guess that's all I can do for Tom, and I sent him an email saying words along those lines as well as sharing with him how I have been feeling to let him know he is not alone, although it doesn't seem to matter how many people are around you when you are grieving you feel so alone, all the time.

I suggested that Tom email me when he feels the need or ring (knowing kid's these days it either email or text) he can talk and I will just listen, afterall its all new territory to me as well and I don't have any words of wisdom to give, the best we can do is one day at a time.

So today I will try to step outside my own grief, I will make an effort to look at others who are feeling the loss over the same young men as me, I have decided to email the boy's mates or send a text to those I can just to let them know I am thinking about them. Regardless of our individual links to the boys, we are all feeling the same sadness just at different levels.

I finished off my email to Tom saying, Hey mate remember how Mat used to love being the centre of attention, knowing that people were watching or talking about him, well think how proud he would be knowing that he is in everyone's thoughts everyday, never too be forgotten.

Grief - The changes it brings

I wanted to add this post, not so much for now but for in the future. When my daughter is old enough to grasp what she is reading this will give her some insight as to how I was feeling during this journey, and also for myself, the hope is that as I read through it again some time down the track I will be able to see how I adjusted to the loss of my beautiful boys over time.

I have just spent the night having a friend sleep over, not because we wanted to catch up and have some girl time, but because I was too scared and lonely to stay in the house on my own. Those of you who know me may find that really hard to believe (don't worry so do I) as a matter of fact I might guess that you would think, 'no' that cant be right, not Michelle, but yes its true...

I have been given an opportunity this week that prior to July 14 2005 I would have loved, I have had the house to myself for 4 days, just me, total freedom and peace and quiet, my own space, things that in the past were so important to me, as a matter of fact I would go as far as saying, those characteristics helped define me. But this time I didn't like being on my own, I have never experienced the feeling of loneliness, because I have always been fiercely independent being on my own has never bothered me, and as for being scared well, I would usually find being scared (like watching a horror movie scared) very exhilarating, good to have the adrenalin racing etc, but not anymore.

This tragedy has rocked the very core of me, it has completely shaken my internal foundations, you know, those things that make you you, those things that get you through the toughest times..Your belief's, feelings, sense of self, your confidence and attitudes, every thing I knew about me and valued as my strength, all gone.

To give you some insight; in the past, I was a very determined woman, very head strong, motivated and driven, that's what got me through life.. After all I needed those qualities, as I raised my boys own my own from the ages of 5 and 3 for some time, during that time I had to not only support and love them but I had to find myself, I had to re-design me, I had gone from living at home to being married at 18 and being looked after for 8 years (sort of). Suddenly being faced with life on your own with 2 small children would be daunting to most, but I took it as a challenge, it was my choice to be alone so I had to figure it out on my own, god forbid I ask for help, and so the new independent Michelle began, within 1 year I achieved what I wanted, I had bought my own home, I had gained fulltime employment and had began studies at TAFE, things were going good, I'm not saying there weren't trying times but what I am saying is that I chose that road therefore I had to deal with it and I did, that has been my philosophy through all of my life, you make your bed you lie in it so to speak, don't winge about life get on with it.... That attitude has seen me through 2 divorces and a car accident, all of which some good came from, I could see a sense of purpose to these road bumps in life, plus they have made me a stronger person.

But this event is far beyond any challenge I ever imagined I would face, I don't see this as a challenge, as with a challenge you usually find some sense of satisfaction in achieving a good outcome, there is usually a sense of purpose, what satisfaction can be gained by knowing you have survived the loss of your children, what purpose can be found in such a loss??

In contrast to the Michelle above, this is the new me:

* I no longer care about my own space, sure I am like most people, some quiet time is good but as for space, the hole in my heart is space big enough to last me a life time.

* as for confidence and strength, what are they, I find I avoid any situation at work that may cause me to have to meet someone new, or discuss a new deal or contract, I don't have the confidence in my self to carry off such a conversation, I just avoid them now. Strength, I keep saying I don't have the strength to deal with this, I am not as strong as I was before. Strength to me means that you can stand your ground, that you can dig up the determination to fight, that you can overcome challenges and change.. Well I don't believe I can do any of that anymore, although I must have some strength left somewhere deep down because something gets me up in the morning, helps me get ready to face the day when all I want to do is sleep, so perhaps all is not lost.

* Independence, I have always prided myself on being independent, I don't need anyone, never have never will, well hasn't that changed, now I find my self wanting to ask for help more times than I care to count, I don't always do it, but like last night, I knew I couldn't have another sleepless night and that I needed company, its a dark sad place you go when you are grieving and left on your own, even if only for a short time.

* Motivation, something that I usually give to others.. There has only been one other time in my life that I lacked motivation and the desire to go on, 1999 when I was hit by a car, at that point in my life, when I could no longer do my job, no longer go out or go to the gym, no longer do lots of things I thought my life was over, I didn't care to live then, (little did I know the biggest challenge in my life was yet to come) I was so unmotivated, and because I had always been motivated and usually motivated others no one really realized that I needed help, not that I would ask for it.. Anyway I lack motivation for even the basic things now, I cant be bothered to care about what to eat, exercising (which was my all time favorite pastime) means nothing to me anymore, work which I once loved, does not motivate me at all, I am so unmotivated to motivate others (that's part of my job as a teacher). Despite the past difficulties I have encountered I have never experienced such a lack of motivation.

I think the biggest thing to figure out how to live with (apart from not having my boys at home) is the total lack of purpose, I've said before as a parent your kids are your purpose.

So how do I like the new me? I don't, I want the old me back, I want my old life back and most imortantly I want my boys back... BUT I know this will never be the case, and we have to learn to live with the changes and adjustments to the life we now live... I often wonder how my friends and family will live with the new me, I have changed so much in the past 6 months, how will my daughter will cope, after all she's only ever known me to be outgoing, happy, active, busy and always achieving, and what about my partner will he be able to cope with the new me, I'm not the same person, those qualities that he loved in me before are gone, how will he cope with the change? Who knows, there is no crystal ball to look into if there was I wouldn't be writing this because I would have known that the 10 days I was away were the last 10 I would have spent with the boys and I would have stayed home and kept them safe...

So what have I learnt so far that I could pass on to others?

- You can never be prepared for what's around the corner despite all the goal setting, study and hard work you do, but planning can help you get through one day at a time and when you are grieving that's the best you can hope to achieve, one day at a time.

- You have to learn to ask for help from those around you, they wont know you need it unless you ask, and learn to accept help and support from them.

- People can change but only when a life changing event happens to them as in my case I have changed because the impact is directly on me, but people around me haven't and wont and I have to accept that.

- MOST OF ALL I think I have learnt or am learning that when one is grieving /mourning, despite best efforts, intentions and all information given there is only one person that can truly help you, and that is you, after all only you know what you are truly feeling, for everyone else it is simply a guess based on what they see on the outside, they don't feel or live the pain.. Somehow you have to find a way to come to terms with the loss, but I imagine that is quite a way down the track for me.

Another month

Well here I am at the 6 month mark and I have to say that it still feels like yesterday that my boys were taken from me.

This past month has bought with it much anguish, the start of a new year a time of celebration of what has been and what is yet to come ( nothing to celebrate for me), also with it came the start of the second chapter of my life having just turned 40, its supposed to bring with it new beginnings a new understanding of ones self and new direction ( I feel so lost, no direction, no drive, just simply an existence), it also bought to closure the accident investigation of my sons, the reports finished by both coroner and police, then the final blow, the police ringing to say they have finished with the car, so now it is to be trashed... This final call from the police bought with it the stark reality that we now live with;Its all over, all the whoha that goes with an accident all over, nothing left to do now but learn to live without them... To me this six month mark marks the true start of the journey I have begun, now the hard part begins, but there are no books to tell you how to deal with this part, this part of the grief process isn't documented, I didn't read anywhere on how to be prepared for reading the reports, or having the car taken away or just the plain finality of it all.

I have spoken before about the stages of grief; Denial,Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance, and while most books you read say that we must travel through these stages in order to deal with our grief I have to say that we never travel though them in one straight line, and in actual fact for me the first 3 came very quickly, but the anger just seems to linger although it has been my key driving force this mont. It seems that because I am angry with someone that I cannot confront I must be angry with those close to me, despite my best efforts I just can't seem to shake, the feeling, after all it is our natural instinct to find blame, even if it means blaming ourselves; what could we have done to avoid this, what could we have done better as a parent, those thoughts are in my head constantly after all I have no one else to blame and too make matters worse the constant feeling depression is often more than I can bare, it's very dibilitating, just makes you want to sleep the day away really.

I have read that this is usually the longest phase experienced in the process of Grief. They say it usually strikes around 6 - 8 weeks and can last up to 18 months, I would have to agree with that for me as that is when I sought assistance from medication... If anything so I could function and think (no longer on medication 1 ans 1/2 weeks, cross fingers) . While I understand that depression is the process that I must go through before acceptance can be reached I would have to say that I think Anger and Depression seem to linger on together, although it isn't healthy to harbor such anger, (I am trying to be angry about the situation not the cause of the situation) I am trying not to be angry with my son, rather with his actions on the day, and there are no books that can help with that, I think it's something that only I can sort out.

I am at a stage where there is no longer shock to cover up the sadness and emotions that come from the loss of my son's, I have to try to figure out how best to go on without them, and no book or friendly advice will help, because despite te best efforts of people close to me only I know what's going through my head, it's up to me to self talk myself through this.

At this point in time I have to say one of the hardest things to learn to live with (may have mentioned this before), outside of not seeing them, is not calling or speaking their names, it's like having a gag on but there are only two words that you no longer need to say Brendon, and Mathew, as the mum or the dad for that matter we constantly call their names, to stop being silly, to get out of bed, to get me something, to bring in the wash, the list is endless, so what do you do when they are no longer around to call out to? When I am on my own I call out to them from the kitchen, I just call their names a few times in different tones and noise levels, it 's like letting out a big breath that I have been holding in for ages, I get a sense of relief followed by an immediate sense of sadness because I know they wont answer... But I do know they are with me, so I know they hear me, and maybe in time I will feel them when I call them.

So I guess now we just learn to live again, I eagerly await the acceptance stage, the part of this journey where I can smile about the boy's, where I can look at their photo's with pride and happy memories rather than cry. They say that cceptance will allow memories and happiness to come from the child that has passed away, rather than sorrow, I look forward to that point, and sometimes I do have that feeling, when I hear people share stories about them, it makes me smile and remember and for a brief moment not quite so sad, that's why it's important for people to talk about them and not treat them as a tabu topic, If there is one thing I want to stress you won't make the parents any sadder by mentioning them, that's not possible.

The depth and intensity of our (parents) sorrow indicates the depth and intensity of the love we have for our kids, and believe me for a parent it doesn't get any deeper., as a parent you cant really define the love you have for kids, you just know its like no other love you feel for anyone, its beyond description really.

So I tell my boys I love them everyday, and I ask them to give me strength to get through the rest of the year as it will bring many other firsts, (their birthdays come soon) and the rest of my life and I look forward to the day when I can speak their names without crying.

Grief is a tough road to walk. These lovely words below help to explain the cross a parent bears with a heart full of love.

Love-Gratitude
The agony is so great... And yet I will stand it. Had I not loved so very much, I would not hurt so much. But goodness knows I would not Want to diminish that precious love By one fraction of an ounce. I will hurt. And I will be grateful to the hurt, For it bears witness to The depth of our meanings, And for what I will be Eternally grateful.
(Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)

A mum's role

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." Angela Schwindt

I went to the cemetery today, (as is often the case for a Thursday,it's the day my son's lost their life) before I left home I prepared some flowers that I had and then called in to the supermarket for more, then off I went.. While I was walking up to see my boys I said to my self, " I know they aren't really hear anymore, only their bodies remain" so why is it that as a mum I feel that I need to attend the cemetery several times a week when I have already experienced things that make me believe that they are with me at home? I realized today why, its because its my job as the mum to do things for my kids, I am supposed to prepare things for their day, I am supposed to buy things for them, I am supposed to clean their room when the mess is more than I can stand, SO it is for that reason that I feel I must buy flowers, prepare things from home to take, clean their head stone and grave site when I go to visit.... Because I'm the mum and I'm supposed to be DOING for my kids, after all that's what we sign up for the moment they are born, once you are a mum your world as you knew it is no longer yours, it becomes theirs, that precious little bundle, now relies wholly and sole on the love and attention given it by parents.

Over the years as my children have grown I feel as though I've gone from an individual person into an extension of them. My main purpose in life has been predominately about them - to protect and provide for them, love them, nurture them, to give them everything and every opportunity I never had, as we as parents often do. In the blink of an eye those sleepless nights, dirty nappies, constant feedings and unconditional love that can be both exhausting and exciting disappears. Before you know it they are grown up....

So what happens when that sole purpose or part there of is no longer??? I feel so lost, I am used to doing for them, I want so bad to be doing for them, I know I have my daughter and I love her more than words can describe, but the hole that has been left as a result of the passing of my son's is unbearable and I am sure permanently unfillable.

I often use to say to my friend while grumbling about the boys and the things they got up to," I'm sure in 10 years time when they are grown men we will be sitting here saying what was I worried about, look how they have turned out, great men, great careers, their own families " well sadly we will never live to see how they would have turned out, who would have thought I would be writing this, who would have thought we would be traveling on such a rough, bumpy and very sad road!!!

I guess in time to come as I watch my son's mates grow up and begin their own adult lives I will be able to imagine what my boys would have been doing, it's a small consolation really, but I am glad that I still have contact with mates and hope for all our sakes that it continues way into their adult life, I know I will need it, but in the mean time I will continue to do what I can for my boys anyway possible and I will make everyday count for Georgia, remembering never to take her for granted, you just don't know how long you have these little people, that is now my reality.

QUOTE: **DON'T TAKE FOR GRANTED THE THINGS CLOSEST TO YOUR HEART. CLING TO THEM AS
U WOULD YOUR LIFE, FOR WITHOUT THEM, LIFE SEAMS MEANINGLESS*
Author unknown


I found this poem today, it made me smile because anyone who is a parent will be able to relate, esecially one who has teenagers. The poem went on to talk about
"them Growing old and gray" I have chosen to omit that part as it made me sad to think I will never experience that era of their lives.

Very touching Mother facts !

When you came into the world, she held you in her arms.
You thanked her by wailing like a banshee.

When you were 1 year old, she fed you and bathed you.
You thanked her by crying all night long.

When you were 2 years old, she taught you to walk.
You thanked her by running away when she called.

When you were 3 years old, she made all your meals with love.
You thanked her by tossing your plate on the floor.

When you were 4 years old, she gave you some crayons.
You thanked her by coloring the dining room table.

When you were 5 years old, she dressed you for the holidays.
You thanked her by plopping into the nearest pile of mud.

When you were 6 years old, she walked you to school.
You thanked her by screaming, "I'M NOT GOING!"

When you were 7 years old, she bought you a baseball.
You thanked her by throwing it through the
next-door-neighbor's window.

When you were 8 years old, she handed you an ice cream.
You thanked her by dripping it all over your lap.

When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons.
You thanked her by never even bothering to practice.

When you were 10 years old, she drove you all day, from
soccer to gymnastics to one birthday party after another.

You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never looking back.
When you were 11 years old, she took you and your friends to the movies.
You thanked her by asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows.
You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.

Those teenage years
When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming.
You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.

When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp.
You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.

When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a hug.
You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, she taught you how to driver her car.
You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17, she was expecting an important call.
You thanked her by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18, she cried at your high school graduation.
You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.