Another month
Well here I am at the 6 month mark and I have to say that it still feels like yesterday that my boys were taken from me.
This past month has bought with it much anguish, the start of a new year a time of celebration of what has been and what is yet to come ( nothing to celebrate for me), also with it came the start of the second chapter of my life having just turned 40, its supposed to bring with it new beginnings a new understanding of ones self and new direction ( I feel so lost, no direction, no drive, just simply an existence), it also bought to closure the accident investigation of my sons, the reports finished by both coroner and police, then the final blow, the police ringing to say they have finished with the car, so now it is to be trashed... This final call from the police bought with it the stark reality that we now live with;Its all over, all the whoha that goes with an accident all over, nothing left to do now but learn to live without them... To me this six month mark marks the true start of the journey I have begun, now the hard part begins, but there are no books to tell you how to deal with this part, this part of the grief process isn't documented, I didn't read anywhere on how to be prepared for reading the reports, or having the car taken away or just the plain finality of it all.
I have spoken before about the stages of grief; Denial,Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance, and while most books you read say that we must travel through these stages in order to deal with our grief I have to say that we never travel though them in one straight line, and in actual fact for me the first 3 came very quickly, but the anger just seems to linger although it has been my key driving force this mont. It seems that because I am angry with someone that I cannot confront I must be angry with those close to me, despite my best efforts I just can't seem to shake, the feeling, after all it is our natural instinct to find blame, even if it means blaming ourselves; what could we have done to avoid this, what could we have done better as a parent, those thoughts are in my head constantly after all I have no one else to blame and too make matters worse the constant feeling depression is often more than I can bare, it's very dibilitating, just makes you want to sleep the day away really.
I have read that this is usually the longest phase experienced in the process of Grief. They say it usually strikes around 6 - 8 weeks and can last up to 18 months, I would have to agree with that for me as that is when I sought assistance from medication... If anything so I could function and think (no longer on medication 1 ans 1/2 weeks, cross fingers) . While I understand that depression is the process that I must go through before acceptance can be reached I would have to say that I think Anger and Depression seem to linger on together, although it isn't healthy to harbor such anger, (I am trying to be angry about the situation not the cause of the situation) I am trying not to be angry with my son, rather with his actions on the day, and there are no books that can help with that, I think it's something that only I can sort out.
I am at a stage where there is no longer shock to cover up the sadness and emotions that come from the loss of my son's, I have to try to figure out how best to go on without them, and no book or friendly advice will help, because despite te best efforts of people close to me only I know what's going through my head, it's up to me to self talk myself through this.
At this point in time I have to say one of the hardest things to learn to live with (may have mentioned this before), outside of not seeing them, is not calling or speaking their names, it's like having a gag on but there are only two words that you no longer need to say Brendon, and Mathew, as the mum or the dad for that matter we constantly call their names, to stop being silly, to get out of bed, to get me something, to bring in the wash, the list is endless, so what do you do when they are no longer around to call out to? When I am on my own I call out to them from the kitchen, I just call their names a few times in different tones and noise levels, it 's like letting out a big breath that I have been holding in for ages, I get a sense of relief followed by an immediate sense of sadness because I know they wont answer... But I do know they are with me, so I know they hear me, and maybe in time I will feel them when I call them.
So I guess now we just learn to live again, I eagerly await the acceptance stage, the part of this journey where I can smile about the boy's, where I can look at their photo's with pride and happy memories rather than cry. They say that cceptance will allow memories and happiness to come from the child that has passed away, rather than sorrow, I look forward to that point, and sometimes I do have that feeling, when I hear people share stories about them, it makes me smile and remember and for a brief moment not quite so sad, that's why it's important for people to talk about them and not treat them as a tabu topic, If there is one thing I want to stress you won't make the parents any sadder by mentioning them, that's not possible.
The depth and intensity of our (parents) sorrow indicates the depth and intensity of the love we have for our kids, and believe me for a parent it doesn't get any deeper., as a parent you cant really define the love you have for kids, you just know its like no other love you feel for anyone, its beyond description really.
So I tell my boys I love them everyday, and I ask them to give me strength to get through the rest of the year as it will bring many other firsts, (their birthdays come soon) and the rest of my life and I look forward to the day when I can speak their names without crying.
Love-Gratitude
The agony is so great... And yet I will stand it. Had I not loved so very much, I would not hurt so much. But goodness knows I would not Want to diminish that precious love By one fraction of an ounce. I will hurt. And I will be grateful to the hurt, For it bears witness to The depth of our meanings, And for what I will be Eternally grateful.
(Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)
This past month has bought with it much anguish, the start of a new year a time of celebration of what has been and what is yet to come ( nothing to celebrate for me), also with it came the start of the second chapter of my life having just turned 40, its supposed to bring with it new beginnings a new understanding of ones self and new direction ( I feel so lost, no direction, no drive, just simply an existence), it also bought to closure the accident investigation of my sons, the reports finished by both coroner and police, then the final blow, the police ringing to say they have finished with the car, so now it is to be trashed... This final call from the police bought with it the stark reality that we now live with;Its all over, all the whoha that goes with an accident all over, nothing left to do now but learn to live without them... To me this six month mark marks the true start of the journey I have begun, now the hard part begins, but there are no books to tell you how to deal with this part, this part of the grief process isn't documented, I didn't read anywhere on how to be prepared for reading the reports, or having the car taken away or just the plain finality of it all.
I have spoken before about the stages of grief; Denial,Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance, and while most books you read say that we must travel through these stages in order to deal with our grief I have to say that we never travel though them in one straight line, and in actual fact for me the first 3 came very quickly, but the anger just seems to linger although it has been my key driving force this mont. It seems that because I am angry with someone that I cannot confront I must be angry with those close to me, despite my best efforts I just can't seem to shake, the feeling, after all it is our natural instinct to find blame, even if it means blaming ourselves; what could we have done to avoid this, what could we have done better as a parent, those thoughts are in my head constantly after all I have no one else to blame and too make matters worse the constant feeling depression is often more than I can bare, it's very dibilitating, just makes you want to sleep the day away really.
I have read that this is usually the longest phase experienced in the process of Grief. They say it usually strikes around 6 - 8 weeks and can last up to 18 months, I would have to agree with that for me as that is when I sought assistance from medication... If anything so I could function and think (no longer on medication 1 ans 1/2 weeks, cross fingers) . While I understand that depression is the process that I must go through before acceptance can be reached I would have to say that I think Anger and Depression seem to linger on together, although it isn't healthy to harbor such anger, (I am trying to be angry about the situation not the cause of the situation) I am trying not to be angry with my son, rather with his actions on the day, and there are no books that can help with that, I think it's something that only I can sort out.
I am at a stage where there is no longer shock to cover up the sadness and emotions that come from the loss of my son's, I have to try to figure out how best to go on without them, and no book or friendly advice will help, because despite te best efforts of people close to me only I know what's going through my head, it's up to me to self talk myself through this.
At this point in time I have to say one of the hardest things to learn to live with (may have mentioned this before), outside of not seeing them, is not calling or speaking their names, it's like having a gag on but there are only two words that you no longer need to say Brendon, and Mathew, as the mum or the dad for that matter we constantly call their names, to stop being silly, to get out of bed, to get me something, to bring in the wash, the list is endless, so what do you do when they are no longer around to call out to? When I am on my own I call out to them from the kitchen, I just call their names a few times in different tones and noise levels, it 's like letting out a big breath that I have been holding in for ages, I get a sense of relief followed by an immediate sense of sadness because I know they wont answer... But I do know they are with me, so I know they hear me, and maybe in time I will feel them when I call them.
So I guess now we just learn to live again, I eagerly await the acceptance stage, the part of this journey where I can smile about the boy's, where I can look at their photo's with pride and happy memories rather than cry. They say that cceptance will allow memories and happiness to come from the child that has passed away, rather than sorrow, I look forward to that point, and sometimes I do have that feeling, when I hear people share stories about them, it makes me smile and remember and for a brief moment not quite so sad, that's why it's important for people to talk about them and not treat them as a tabu topic, If there is one thing I want to stress you won't make the parents any sadder by mentioning them, that's not possible.
The depth and intensity of our (parents) sorrow indicates the depth and intensity of the love we have for our kids, and believe me for a parent it doesn't get any deeper., as a parent you cant really define the love you have for kids, you just know its like no other love you feel for anyone, its beyond description really.
So I tell my boys I love them everyday, and I ask them to give me strength to get through the rest of the year as it will bring many other firsts, (their birthdays come soon) and the rest of my life and I look forward to the day when I can speak their names without crying.
Grief is a tough road to walk. These lovely words below help to explain the cross a parent bears with a heart full of love.
Love-Gratitude
The agony is so great... And yet I will stand it. Had I not loved so very much, I would not hurt so much. But goodness knows I would not Want to diminish that precious love By one fraction of an ounce. I will hurt. And I will be grateful to the hurt, For it bears witness to The depth of our meanings, And for what I will be Eternally grateful.
(Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)
posted by Michelle @ 9:14 AM
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