Everyone's Sadness

I was reminded yesterday that I am not the only one grieving the loss of 2 great young men.. It's not that I don't think that anyone else is, its just that I can't see beyond my own grief most time, for me no one on this planet could be grieving like me and that's true, no one is or will, after all they were my children, I gave birth to them, I raised them, so NO no one will feel the same.. But I received an email from one of my son's mates (Mat's mate Tom) I almost deleted it as I didn't recognize the email address, it started like this,

"hey michelle
how r u. im just emailing u coz i don't really feel good lately. i don't know what to do anymore i cant stand feeling like this all the time i just miss mat so much i cant stand it. i need the kid here so much not a day has gone by when i don't think about him i just miss him. I don't know if its a bad thing but I convince myself he's not really gone on monday when i went to see him i couldn't stop thinkin why am i comin here he'll be back soon n when i think of all the things we and him have done then i think oh its not going to be like that anymore i convince myself hes coming back. i just need him" It went on to say that he missed the silly things they used to do and say to each other etc.

After some tears on my part I realised that this young man, who probably like my boy's, thinks he's invincible, strong and everythings right mate, is reaching out, this young man is sending me an email because he would realise that maybe I am the only one who knows how he feels, this young man, who I might add I hardly know is grieving the loss of a great mate.... It got me thinking that these boys in their teens are at the most crucial part of their life, they are starting to deal with not only all the physical developments that young men endure but the emotional ones too, that bonding that they do that makes them mates, I was thinking in reality he would know my Mat more than I ever could, imagine the conversations they have shared about home, mum and dad, life, girls, the intimate discussions they would have had, the unbounded friendship they share, that closeness that as adults we don't always have... I tried to imagine for a moment the pain he was feeling, he has lost a mate, a buddy, a school friend, a bodyboarding partner.

Like my Mat, Tom has only been on this planet for 16 1/2 years and for 4 of those critical growing years the boys have been together, shared everything, of course he would be grieving, but what can I do for him, he further wrote this in the email.

"people used to always say to me oh it hurts now but in time u'll
fell better. But it hasn't made me feel better I think about him everyday and
they used to say oh just try and get on life but everything I do has changed
and wont be the same what ever I do feels different and I want it to go back
to the way it was but I know it never will" while reading that I thought to my self, I have said those same things, "everything I do has changed and wont be the same what ever I do feels different and I want it to go back to the way it was but I know it never will" despite the fact that he is a teenager, and the friend, he too is grieving the loss and feeling similar things that I as the mum am feeling.

I wondered how I might be able to help him, I jumped on the net to research how to help teens cope with grief, the first 10 sites I looked at had the same or very similar info, but nothing of substance, no encouraging words for me to pass on, and when you think about it, as I have said before there is nothing written to help with this part, the living with out them, there are no words of wisdom, all I can give him is my hand and shoulder for support.. I was thinking that if the tables were turned and it was Mat who needed consoling over the loss of Tom, what would I do, well I would cry with him, I would hug him every time I could, I would talk to him and let him know that what he was felling is crappy but if he shared his thoughts we could feel them together, I would certainly encourage him to talk...(I think that's a key thing to do when grieving, but easier said than done for guy's) so I guess that's all I can do for Tom, and I sent him an email saying words along those lines as well as sharing with him how I have been feeling to let him know he is not alone, although it doesn't seem to matter how many people are around you when you are grieving you feel so alone, all the time.

I suggested that Tom email me when he feels the need or ring (knowing kid's these days it either email or text) he can talk and I will just listen, afterall its all new territory to me as well and I don't have any words of wisdom to give, the best we can do is one day at a time.

So today I will try to step outside my own grief, I will make an effort to look at others who are feeling the loss over the same young men as me, I have decided to email the boy's mates or send a text to those I can just to let them know I am thinking about them. Regardless of our individual links to the boys, we are all feeling the same sadness just at different levels.

I finished off my email to Tom saying, Hey mate remember how Mat used to love being the centre of attention, knowing that people were watching or talking about him, well think how proud he would be knowing that he is in everyone's thoughts everyday, never too be forgotten.