Grief - The changes it brings
I wanted to add this post, not so much for now but for in the future. When my daughter is old enough to grasp what she is reading this will give her some insight as to how I was feeling during this journey, and also for myself, the hope is that as I read through it again some time down the track I will be able to see how I adjusted to the loss of my beautiful boys over time.
I have just spent the night having a friend sleep over, not because we wanted to catch up and have some girl time, but because I was too scared and lonely to stay in the house on my own. Those of you who know me may find that really hard to believe (don't worry so do I) as a matter of fact I might guess that you would think, 'no' that cant be right, not Michelle, but yes its true...
I have been given an opportunity this week that prior to July 14 2005 I would have loved, I have had the house to myself for 4 days, just me, total freedom and peace and quiet, my own space, things that in the past were so important to me, as a matter of fact I would go as far as saying, those characteristics helped define me. But this time I didn't like being on my own, I have never experienced the feeling of loneliness, because I have always been fiercely independent being on my own has never bothered me, and as for being scared well, I would usually find being scared (like watching a horror movie scared) very exhilarating, good to have the adrenalin racing etc, but not anymore.
This tragedy has rocked the very core of me, it has completely shaken my internal foundations, you know, those things that make you you, those things that get you through the toughest times..Your belief's, feelings, sense of self, your confidence and attitudes, every thing I knew about me and valued as my strength, all gone.
To give you some insight; in the past, I was a very determined woman, very head strong, motivated and driven, that's what got me through life.. After all I needed those qualities, as I raised my boys own my own from the ages of 5 and 3 for some time, during that time I had to not only support and love them but I had to find myself, I had to re-design me, I had gone from living at home to being married at 18 and being looked after for 8 years (sort of). Suddenly being faced with life on your own with 2 small children would be daunting to most, but I took it as a challenge, it was my choice to be alone so I had to figure it out on my own, god forbid I ask for help, and so the new independent Michelle began, within 1 year I achieved what I wanted, I had bought my own home, I had gained fulltime employment and had began studies at TAFE, things were going good, I'm not saying there weren't trying times but what I am saying is that I chose that road therefore I had to deal with it and I did, that has been my philosophy through all of my life, you make your bed you lie in it so to speak, don't winge about life get on with it.... That attitude has seen me through 2 divorces and a car accident, all of which some good came from, I could see a sense of purpose to these road bumps in life, plus they have made me a stronger person.
But this event is far beyond any challenge I ever imagined I would face, I don't see this as a challenge, as with a challenge you usually find some sense of satisfaction in achieving a good outcome, there is usually a sense of purpose, what satisfaction can be gained by knowing you have survived the loss of your children, what purpose can be found in such a loss??
In contrast to the Michelle above, this is the new me:
* I no longer care about my own space, sure I am like most people, some quiet time is good but as for space, the hole in my heart is space big enough to last me a life time.
* as for confidence and strength, what are they, I find I avoid any situation at work that may cause me to have to meet someone new, or discuss a new deal or contract, I don't have the confidence in my self to carry off such a conversation, I just avoid them now. Strength, I keep saying I don't have the strength to deal with this, I am not as strong as I was before. Strength to me means that you can stand your ground, that you can dig up the determination to fight, that you can overcome challenges and change.. Well I don't believe I can do any of that anymore, although I must have some strength left somewhere deep down because something gets me up in the morning, helps me get ready to face the day when all I want to do is sleep, so perhaps all is not lost.
* Independence, I have always prided myself on being independent, I don't need anyone, never have never will, well hasn't that changed, now I find my self wanting to ask for help more times than I care to count, I don't always do it, but like last night, I knew I couldn't have another sleepless night and that I needed company, its a dark sad place you go when you are grieving and left on your own, even if only for a short time.
* Motivation, something that I usually give to others.. There has only been one other time in my life that I lacked motivation and the desire to go on, 1999 when I was hit by a car, at that point in my life, when I could no longer do my job, no longer go out or go to the gym, no longer do lots of things I thought my life was over, I didn't care to live then, (little did I know the biggest challenge in my life was yet to come) I was so unmotivated, and because I had always been motivated and usually motivated others no one really realized that I needed help, not that I would ask for it.. Anyway I lack motivation for even the basic things now, I cant be bothered to care about what to eat, exercising (which was my all time favorite pastime) means nothing to me anymore, work which I once loved, does not motivate me at all, I am so unmotivated to motivate others (that's part of my job as a teacher). Despite the past difficulties I have encountered I have never experienced such a lack of motivation.
I think the biggest thing to figure out how to live with (apart from not having my boys at home) is the total lack of purpose, I've said before as a parent your kids are your purpose.
So how do I like the new me? I don't, I want the old me back, I want my old life back and most imortantly I want my boys back... BUT I know this will never be the case, and we have to learn to live with the changes and adjustments to the life we now live... I often wonder how my friends and family will live with the new me, I have changed so much in the past 6 months, how will my daughter will cope, after all she's only ever known me to be outgoing, happy, active, busy and always achieving, and what about my partner will he be able to cope with the new me, I'm not the same person, those qualities that he loved in me before are gone, how will he cope with the change? Who knows, there is no crystal ball to look into if there was I wouldn't be writing this because I would have known that the 10 days I was away were the last 10 I would have spent with the boys and I would have stayed home and kept them safe...
So what have I learnt so far that I could pass on to others?
- You can never be prepared for what's around the corner despite all the goal setting, study and hard work you do, but planning can help you get through one day at a time and when you are grieving that's the best you can hope to achieve, one day at a time.
- You have to learn to ask for help from those around you, they wont know you need it unless you ask, and learn to accept help and support from them.
- People can change but only when a life changing event happens to them as in my case I have changed because the impact is directly on me, but people around me haven't and wont and I have to accept that.
- MOST OF ALL I think I have learnt or am learning that when one is grieving /mourning, despite best efforts, intentions and all information given there is only one person that can truly help you, and that is you, after all only you know what you are truly feeling, for everyone else it is simply a guess based on what they see on the outside, they don't feel or live the pain.. Somehow you have to find a way to come to terms with the loss, but I imagine that is quite a way down the track for me.
I have just spent the night having a friend sleep over, not because we wanted to catch up and have some girl time, but because I was too scared and lonely to stay in the house on my own. Those of you who know me may find that really hard to believe (don't worry so do I) as a matter of fact I might guess that you would think, 'no' that cant be right, not Michelle, but yes its true...
I have been given an opportunity this week that prior to July 14 2005 I would have loved, I have had the house to myself for 4 days, just me, total freedom and peace and quiet, my own space, things that in the past were so important to me, as a matter of fact I would go as far as saying, those characteristics helped define me. But this time I didn't like being on my own, I have never experienced the feeling of loneliness, because I have always been fiercely independent being on my own has never bothered me, and as for being scared well, I would usually find being scared (like watching a horror movie scared) very exhilarating, good to have the adrenalin racing etc, but not anymore.
This tragedy has rocked the very core of me, it has completely shaken my internal foundations, you know, those things that make you you, those things that get you through the toughest times..Your belief's, feelings, sense of self, your confidence and attitudes, every thing I knew about me and valued as my strength, all gone.
To give you some insight; in the past, I was a very determined woman, very head strong, motivated and driven, that's what got me through life.. After all I needed those qualities, as I raised my boys own my own from the ages of 5 and 3 for some time, during that time I had to not only support and love them but I had to find myself, I had to re-design me, I had gone from living at home to being married at 18 and being looked after for 8 years (sort of). Suddenly being faced with life on your own with 2 small children would be daunting to most, but I took it as a challenge, it was my choice to be alone so I had to figure it out on my own, god forbid I ask for help, and so the new independent Michelle began, within 1 year I achieved what I wanted, I had bought my own home, I had gained fulltime employment and had began studies at TAFE, things were going good, I'm not saying there weren't trying times but what I am saying is that I chose that road therefore I had to deal with it and I did, that has been my philosophy through all of my life, you make your bed you lie in it so to speak, don't winge about life get on with it.... That attitude has seen me through 2 divorces and a car accident, all of which some good came from, I could see a sense of purpose to these road bumps in life, plus they have made me a stronger person.
But this event is far beyond any challenge I ever imagined I would face, I don't see this as a challenge, as with a challenge you usually find some sense of satisfaction in achieving a good outcome, there is usually a sense of purpose, what satisfaction can be gained by knowing you have survived the loss of your children, what purpose can be found in such a loss??
In contrast to the Michelle above, this is the new me:
* I no longer care about my own space, sure I am like most people, some quiet time is good but as for space, the hole in my heart is space big enough to last me a life time.
* as for confidence and strength, what are they, I find I avoid any situation at work that may cause me to have to meet someone new, or discuss a new deal or contract, I don't have the confidence in my self to carry off such a conversation, I just avoid them now. Strength, I keep saying I don't have the strength to deal with this, I am not as strong as I was before. Strength to me means that you can stand your ground, that you can dig up the determination to fight, that you can overcome challenges and change.. Well I don't believe I can do any of that anymore, although I must have some strength left somewhere deep down because something gets me up in the morning, helps me get ready to face the day when all I want to do is sleep, so perhaps all is not lost.
* Independence, I have always prided myself on being independent, I don't need anyone, never have never will, well hasn't that changed, now I find my self wanting to ask for help more times than I care to count, I don't always do it, but like last night, I knew I couldn't have another sleepless night and that I needed company, its a dark sad place you go when you are grieving and left on your own, even if only for a short time.
* Motivation, something that I usually give to others.. There has only been one other time in my life that I lacked motivation and the desire to go on, 1999 when I was hit by a car, at that point in my life, when I could no longer do my job, no longer go out or go to the gym, no longer do lots of things I thought my life was over, I didn't care to live then, (little did I know the biggest challenge in my life was yet to come) I was so unmotivated, and because I had always been motivated and usually motivated others no one really realized that I needed help, not that I would ask for it.. Anyway I lack motivation for even the basic things now, I cant be bothered to care about what to eat, exercising (which was my all time favorite pastime) means nothing to me anymore, work which I once loved, does not motivate me at all, I am so unmotivated to motivate others (that's part of my job as a teacher). Despite the past difficulties I have encountered I have never experienced such a lack of motivation.
I think the biggest thing to figure out how to live with (apart from not having my boys at home) is the total lack of purpose, I've said before as a parent your kids are your purpose.
So how do I like the new me? I don't, I want the old me back, I want my old life back and most imortantly I want my boys back... BUT I know this will never be the case, and we have to learn to live with the changes and adjustments to the life we now live... I often wonder how my friends and family will live with the new me, I have changed so much in the past 6 months, how will my daughter will cope, after all she's only ever known me to be outgoing, happy, active, busy and always achieving, and what about my partner will he be able to cope with the new me, I'm not the same person, those qualities that he loved in me before are gone, how will he cope with the change? Who knows, there is no crystal ball to look into if there was I wouldn't be writing this because I would have known that the 10 days I was away were the last 10 I would have spent with the boys and I would have stayed home and kept them safe...
So what have I learnt so far that I could pass on to others?
- You can never be prepared for what's around the corner despite all the goal setting, study and hard work you do, but planning can help you get through one day at a time and when you are grieving that's the best you can hope to achieve, one day at a time.
- You have to learn to ask for help from those around you, they wont know you need it unless you ask, and learn to accept help and support from them.
- People can change but only when a life changing event happens to them as in my case I have changed because the impact is directly on me, but people around me haven't and wont and I have to accept that.
- MOST OF ALL I think I have learnt or am learning that when one is grieving /mourning, despite best efforts, intentions and all information given there is only one person that can truly help you, and that is you, after all only you know what you are truly feeling, for everyone else it is simply a guess based on what they see on the outside, they don't feel or live the pain.. Somehow you have to find a way to come to terms with the loss, but I imagine that is quite a way down the track for me.
posted by Michelle @ 5:00 AM
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