Acceptance

The 7th month of my boy's passing has just been.... 7 months, its actually been 7 and a half months since I saw Mat and probably a little longer since I saw Bren. As a parent it would be hard to imagine not seeing your children for 7 long months, but imagine what it must feel like to know that you will NEVER see them again, imagine knowing that you will never see them grow up, never see what career they may choose, if they get married, if they have kids of their own..... I suspect I will always be thinking about these stages of their lives as I watch their sister grow and their mates grow.

I recently had the pleasure of seeing one of Mats mates in the shopping centre. I saw him walking towards me and my heart went in my throat, this young man, Callan is his name, reminded me that on that particular day of the week I used to pick them both up from school and drop them off at the shopping centre for their usual bit of socialising. He, like all the mates are a reminder of mine missing. We exchanged the usual pleasantries, hello how are you what you been up to etc, and then parted ways, I only walked on a little way and turned and looked at him and thought I wonder if he had the same thought when he saw me, oh there's Mats mum, oh Mats not here etc etc. When I looked at him walking away I thought 'I really missed seeing the mates', they are my only connection to Mat, the only way I may ever know what he might have turned out like, I turned around and walked towards him, he saw me coming and looked a little puzzled, when I got to him I put my arm around his waist and said "I miss him mate and I miss seeing you guys too, come and visit ok" he smiled and his eyes filled with tears, just a hint, he said " me too and I will". I just felt that I had to do that, as I know these young men miss their mate just as much as me all be it at different levels.

The past 7 months has been filled with many moments like that and I am sure there will be many more. Just the other day I felt like I was having a Brendon day, I had been to get some shopping and when leaving the centre was confronted with 4 of Brens mates all sitting in a row, one that I know well gave me a hug and we chatted briefly, then when I got into the car one of his favorite songs started playing from when he was younger, later that night I went back for some other groceries forgetting what time it was and was confronted buy all the night fill staff (Brens job was night fill at woollies) my heart went in my throat,all those green shirts and mine no where to be seen, I got through it but I don't know how, then when I got home I was flicking through channels and his favorite movie came on from when he was a little boy, about 5, Back to the Future, he so wanted to be Marty out of that movie and as a matter of fact wanted to be called Marty and would only answer to that for the logest time.... so that was 4 things in one day, I just sat on the floor crying and said what, what are you trying to tell me? I guess he just wanted me to know that he was there..

I suppose that's where I am now as far as my journey through grief goes, accepting that they are with me in spirit only, accepting that I will never see them again, accepting that there will always be reminders of them, not just in my head but constantly around me.
I still say on a daily basis, " I cant believe it" but its not that I cant believe the accident happended or that they are dead, I have accepted that it did and they are, rather, its more that I cant believe I will never see or speak to them again, that is really hard, really hard to comprehend.
I guess now its time to try and find new meaning to life without them, the sensible part of me says I have to, I cant go on not caring about myself or anything for ever, but the other part of me says how can I go on? But I know people who have and who do, and while the sadness never stops and the pain of the loss will never go away, I know it will fade unlike my love for those little people that I bought into the world and raised to be great young men, that love will never fade.

My youngest support person, my daughter made me a power point presentation the other night on the computer (kids are so clever on these things) while I was at work..... Amazing to read how a young mind of 11 thinks, this is what she wrote:


We will get through it - By Georgia Amess

Don't worry

Don't worry mum we will get through what were going through

• Just remember that we have each other and Todd
  
  Just remember
  Just remember mum that I love you and even though I do that no talking thing it dose not mean that I don't love you.
  
  Mum I know
• Mum I know you miss the boys and so dose every one else.
  I hope they know how much we miss them
  
  I love you
• Well this is the end of the slide show I hope you liked it.
  I love you so much mum that I can't show you but every day I say "I love you" and that shows that I love you.
  
  She inserted a picture in every slide.
  
  How very special, made me cry a little but smile a lot.

A poem

So now I have become poet, actually it's not hard when its written from the heart... Georgia was researching peoems about brothers on the net, I decided to write her one...

Brothers

I think of you often and wish that you were here, I remember all the times we’ve shared, the good, the bad, the laughter and tears.
Remember when we would fight and mum would yell and scream, but deep down we knew we loved each other, she didn’t realise that what we said we did not mean.

I miss you both so much and wish I could share all the things that are going on in my life and things that are to come, I know you still care

My memories are bitter sweet; I would rather have you here, but swap them I never would because I know while I have them you will always be near.

I remember Brendon when you got your car, your pride and joy, how grown up you looked; I remember how proud you were to take me for a ride, and instantly I was hooked. Look I thought, my big brother almost a man, taking for a drive no other, how lucky I am

I remember Mat watching you skate, I was so impressed and you were so pleased, please teach me I thought I just couldn’t wait,
I looked up to you both for guidance, support, love and care, and even though you are gone I know its all still there.

I remember many things, but I remember the love we shared above all, the way you cared about me and the things you did for me, the places we went the fun times we had, and the things we got to see.

The house is so quiet and many tears we’ve shed, but know that you are so loved and missed even though those precious memories fill our heads.

I think of you often and know that you are close but no greater wish would I have than to have those I miss the most, my big brothers!

Written in memory of my brothers, Brendon and Mathew by Mum