Another 1st passed

Well we survived my first son's birthday, speaking for my self I have to say I survived it in a physical sense, but I have to say on an emotional level it was more than I could bare... As any parent who has lost a child might agree knowing it is your baby's birthday and not having them with you to celebrate is more than one heart should have to bare... It was without a doubt the most gut wrenching day in my life, the night before I actually felt like I was preparing for the funeral all over again, I felt physically sick, I cant even find the words to describe how I felt emotional, there is something very very wrong about thinking about the birth of your child and knowing also that they are dead...

I prepared myself as best I could, I did what all the books tell you to do for such events, I planned, I organized for a plaque to be made for my son, I organized to have a couple of days off work, I even planned what time of the day I would go to the cemetery as I had to go twice, once for my self and then again to take my daughter, I felt that I was ready for it, I held my breath and hoped it would pass as quick as possible.

Something the books don't tell you is the heartbreak that you feel, and why would they, how would they, who could describe it (my pain is my pain and it couldn't possibly be compared to anyone else's, and visa versa) , that gutwrenching pain, the numbness, the sadness, its so all consuming. I quite literally felt myself start to spiral down hill the Tuesday prior as it marked the 8th month since their death and 1 week till the birthday, for me as I have read for others the build up is often more painful than the actual day, somehow when you reach the day you kind of breath a sigh of relief, knowing that you have made it that far you can surely go another day.

The night before my son's birthday I asked him to come to me in my dreams, I ask them to come to me every night, just hoping to see them one more time (I haven't dreamt since the accident) This time it happened... I asked my big boy to come to me so we could have it out so to speak, so I could get angry at him, or yell at him, or something, anything so I could try to move on from this feeling of blame... Well my sons did come to me and although it was not my big boy speaking, I did speak to Mat, the interesting thing is that they were about 4 and 7, Mat was speaking to me so grown up but he was little, little enough for me to have both arms around him tightly..... Without going into detail it seemed very real to me and although I didn't get to talk to Brendon ( I guess, as was the case when he was alive, the last thing he wanted to have was an ear bashing from mum) Mat was very good with answering my questions....
I awoke from that dream not knowing where I was for a moment, it seemed so real that I actually thought, oh thank god it was all a dream, they are not gone, it didn't take long for the reality to hit me and the tears just came, tears of relief because I had finally dreamt of them, tears because I got to speak to them, but tears because of the reality of it all, somehow though, having that dream seemed to make the actual birthday easier if that's at all possible, I felt a sense of relief, a kind of un blocking of my mind. I must also have tell you that my daughter too had a dream on the same night but coincidently she only had Brendon speak to her, Mat spoke to me in mine.

So I guess that was a sign from them, they answered my request, they came to me, but really it is such a small comfort in the scheme of things, I am not ready on this journey to be grateful for such visits I would much rather have them here, perhaps grateful is not the right word, I'm not sure what is but I am sure in time I will be happy for such small signs, in the meantime I will cherish the memory of my first dream since loosing my beautiful boys, and know that they will come again in their own time, when I am strong enough to handle such visits.

I guess I just want anyone who might read this, who is going through it, or knows someone who is, just know this, the birthday is not like Christmas day, it is far worse, the worst day to deal with, and made even more sad knowing that you will endure that pain again, and again, and again, be ready, if that's possible....

The picture above is how my boys appeared to me in my dream, although I couldnt make out Brens face, I recognised what they were wearing, thats how I knew roughly how old they were.

Birthday

Tomorrow will be my son's 20th birthday (21st march), I have been beside my self with such a heavy sadness since last Tuesday, it seems the build up to these events is as painfull if not more than the actual day..... How as a mum do I celebrate the birth of my child when I have lost him? Any mum out there knows that on the birthday of your kids you kind of re-play the events of the day that led to their birth, its supposed to be a happy day. As usual I will remember how scared I was on the evening before he was born, my first baby, I didn't have a clue really, I was staying over at the inlaws as Brens dad was on night shift, I woke about 11 pm, rather my waters breaking woke me and before I knew it I was in a car and on the way to hospital, about 9 hours later Brendon Mathew Gilson came into the world, that day I felt like I had grown up, I had a reason for being, I couldn't believe that I had a little baby... We took him home and he was perfect, slept most of time, ate lots and was just a quiet content little boy, he grew to be the kind of child that amused himself, kept hiself busy with toys and T.V when old enough to watch it.

I was remembering thismorning his fascination for less hiddens the " bush tucker man" he loved that show, kind of an 80's style Steve Irwin but not so wild, I would put a video on and sit him front of the telly and he would watch episode after episode.... Then came the movie "back to the future" I think he might have been maybe 8, he loved the main character 'Marty' played by Michael J fox, for the longest time he wanted to be called Marty and would answer to nothing else.

He grew to love books and was always asking questions, I remember we bought him a book once on the evolution of man, he took it to school and came home very upset, told me the book was full of lies and that he couldn't take it to school anymore, when I asked why he said he took it to scripture and questioned the teacher about it compared to what she was teaching, obviously that didn't go down to well, but I told Brendon as I have with all my kids that you have to have all information and make your owned informed decisions on what you believe it right, he stuck with the theory from the book.... Actually he liked scientific type information, he was at one stage considered to be a talented and gifted child, but he hated me saying that, he would say I am just normal, and I guess he tried for the rest of his school days to prove that because after yr7 at highschool he pretty much went wond hill with study from there, don't get me wrong he did ok but he was capable of much more, he was just one of those kids that didn't need to study for a test and still pass.

As Brendon got older more into his teens say about 15, onwards our relationship started to strain, he had became what I had encouraged him to, strong minded and willed, opinionated, wouldn't take no for an answer, and I didn't like it, funny bout that, we raise them to have an opinion but when they have one we don't like it, he could be very stubborn and feisty (I have no idea where he got that from) but so clever... I remember one day I was so cranky I said the F word to him and said " see what you made me do" he said " mum no one makes you do anything you chose to do stuff" gggrrrr was I mad..... Anyway for the longest time I felt that he didn't respect me, wouldnt do anything at home, I was constantly ringing his dad and saying you talk to him he wont listen to me, I had said on many occasions that if you don't get your self together you will have to go stay at dads, I knew if there was any hope of the two of us having a relationship that was going to have to be the way, anyway the day came and I booted him off to dads, he was angry, mat was angry, Georgia was angry I was devastated, felt I acted in haste but it was done.

Brendon told me he would never speak to me again, I was beside myself with what I thought was grief, (little did I know that 4 months later I would experience and continue to experience the real thing) the thought of never speaking to him again I just couldn't handle, I text messaged him everyday and rang him for about 2 weeks then finally he said, " Mum Im over it , we are ok, Im at dads now and that's where Ill stay, from that point on he would visit on occasion and we could actually hold a conversation, he would come to dinner and it was nice, no fighting or yelling, finally I thought, I had done the right thing, however, it did strain things for Mat and I, he really missed his brother, but started to visit his dad more so good came from it I think.

The last longest time I spent with Brendon was a couple of weeks before the accident when I took him to the doctors for an ear infection, he said " mum do you think Im too old to get you to take me?" I said " do you know what to ask, he said no , do you want me to come he said yes, then I said that's it then so off we went, we spent 2 hours waiting to see the dopctor, we discussed, rather I listened, to him talk about the latest on line game, his car, his mates, it was good, I will of course cherish those 2 hours for the rest of my days.

So I will never get to see what kind of mum, son type of relationship Brendon and I would have had as he became a man, I can only imagine that it would have just gotten better and better with time.

Today I struggle with the emotions of losing him and never seeing him as well as the emotions of anger, how could he be so careless, his final selfish act, taking the life of him and his brother, putting the lives of 7 other people at risk and turning the lives of many other upside down, I find my self asking someone, some higher force to give me the strength to forgive Brendon because I know what happened waas not intentional, I have to forgive him for his actions on the day, but its very hard to be angry with someone and not have it out in the open.... My aunty suggested that for his birthday present I give him forgiveness, how do you do that, how do you reconcile that in your own mind, I can say I forgive you mate, I can say the word but it doesn't take away the anger...

I miss my baby's so much I don't really have the words to describe how I feel today, god give me strength to get through my first borns birthday without him cause I don't know where I am going to get it from. I feel really alone in this...

Today I will try to think of other memories of that beautiful boy, and he was a beautiful boy, just a typically teenager, who like many of them thought he was invincible and knew it all... Rest in peace my baby, I love you.....

Finding Meaning

Well another week has come to an end, another week of work and school schedules, another week of life going on, another week of that fake facade that I seem to have become so good at carrying out, that smile and general conversation that I have to have with the outside world, even though my world on the inside has been shattered.

The last couple of weeks I feel have been pretty tough, especially come the weekends, the depression I have felt has been at times almost unbearable, I seem to be able to handle it through the week because I have to, my work has me dealing with many people everyday, the trouble is I give so much to work and strangers through the week I have nothing to give physically or emotionally come the evening or the weekend. I come home from work and the first thing I want to do is draw the curtains and shut the door, its my way of shutting out the world, I usually have a sigh of relief; "ahhh I think, thank goodness another day over"

It's amazing to me how the mind works, I can go all day at work without shedding a tear, but as soon as I leave the office, even during the walk to the car, the tears and emotions start to well up in side, it's almost like my body just knows its time to let go, I get to the car and usually cry on the way home, trying to get it out of my system before my daughter gets home so I can put on that brave face again, its such a roller coaster of emotions.

I have come to the realisation this week that if I am too remain sane at all and get through this I cannot do it without some sort of medical intervention, I have resorted back to the antidepressants, much to my disappointment because I just want to experience this pain, this sad journey the way my body wants to, but unfortunately life and society just don't allow that.

It's also been pointed out to me that I am experiencing 'survivor guilt'. Even though the fact that I am still here is I'm sure a joyous fact for my friends and family, I find it hard to have anything to be happy about. I do feel guilty that I have survived my son's, after all it is not the order of nature. Many times over these past 7 and a half months I have questioned why I am here and the boys are not. This reaction; I have been told is called "survivor guilt" and apparently it is a normal response to a traumatic event, such as the loss of my boy's. It is difficult for me to to feel grateful for being alive while at the same time feeling such intense sorrow for the loss of my babies.
This is the reason I have no desire to go out, no desire to get dressed up, no desire to laugh, smile or enjoy a day out, everything seems to be such an effort, if it wasn't for work I am sure I would just sit at home, after all why should I enjoy anything they can't. Having said that though, there are times when I think I might like to go shopping with my daughter or have coffee or lunch with my friend but when it comes to the day or the time I just cant seem to get the right frame of mind to do it, there's no desire, most of the time I just want to be quiet, but I make the effort and I am sure as time goes on going out etc will be easier.

Something else that I don't get about this grieving process, while I understand that this is a time when I need the support of my family and friends, I also feel that I seem to spend most of the time resiting or pushing away those who care about me the most, I seem to have a need to resist that support or even believe that their support and caring isn't genuine, I still keep feeling that because no one is experiencing the pain ,like me then how can they really know. It is for this reason that I felt I should go back on the medication, what ever it takes to help me see through the fog of emotions that I seem to spiral into on any given day at any given moment, a friend of mine who has also experienced the same loss as me said that I have to do everything and anything I can to overcome the impulse to refuse assistance and to recognize the value of outside help as well as the need for it.

I suppose that like any other parent who has lost a child, life that was once full of meaning, makes no sense, that profound sense of emptiness and loss, that real sense that a part of us has died too is so overwhelming it just seems to surpass any logicical thoughts that we should have about the people and support around us. I have said before that the pain or heaviness in my chest, that feeling of depression and hopelessness about the future is so intense that you just don't seem to be able to think rationally. All the things that were once important to me don't really seem to matter so much any more, I suppose I am trying to find new meaning to my life, which is in itself is not an easy task when your world has been rocked by such a loss... I guess the first step is knowing where to look, I look at my daughter, she is my meaning, she is my saving grace, the only aspect of my life at present that gives me any depth, if it wasn't for her I'm not sure where I would be right now, the second step I guess is knowing how to look, I think that means trying to look beyond my grief, which is hard as it is all so self consuming.

Maybe my 'new meaning' will be that I can focus more on parenting, being the best mother I can be, giving Georgia the support, love and nurturing that she needs, after all she has suffered an immeasurable loss as well, I am sure throughout our lives together as mother and daughter we will need to find strength to get through many events and we will need to lean on each other for that strength. She is my meaning, her wellbeing will be my guiding force for everything I do from now on, she is my purpose and she will give me the strength I need to continue, to look beyond me, to look beyond my pain, I will look at her.

"Finding meaning is no substitute for your loss, but it will help to sustain you and provide the substance from which you can rebuild yourlife"