Another 1st passed

Well we survived my first son's birthday, speaking for my self I have to say I survived it in a physical sense, but I have to say on an emotional level it was more than I could bare... As any parent who has lost a child might agree knowing it is your baby's birthday and not having them with you to celebrate is more than one heart should have to bare... It was without a doubt the most gut wrenching day in my life, the night before I actually felt like I was preparing for the funeral all over again, I felt physically sick, I cant even find the words to describe how I felt emotional, there is something very very wrong about thinking about the birth of your child and knowing also that they are dead...

I prepared myself as best I could, I did what all the books tell you to do for such events, I planned, I organized for a plaque to be made for my son, I organized to have a couple of days off work, I even planned what time of the day I would go to the cemetery as I had to go twice, once for my self and then again to take my daughter, I felt that I was ready for it, I held my breath and hoped it would pass as quick as possible.

Something the books don't tell you is the heartbreak that you feel, and why would they, how would they, who could describe it (my pain is my pain and it couldn't possibly be compared to anyone else's, and visa versa) , that gutwrenching pain, the numbness, the sadness, its so all consuming. I quite literally felt myself start to spiral down hill the Tuesday prior as it marked the 8th month since their death and 1 week till the birthday, for me as I have read for others the build up is often more painful than the actual day, somehow when you reach the day you kind of breath a sigh of relief, knowing that you have made it that far you can surely go another day.

The night before my son's birthday I asked him to come to me in my dreams, I ask them to come to me every night, just hoping to see them one more time (I haven't dreamt since the accident) This time it happened... I asked my big boy to come to me so we could have it out so to speak, so I could get angry at him, or yell at him, or something, anything so I could try to move on from this feeling of blame... Well my sons did come to me and although it was not my big boy speaking, I did speak to Mat, the interesting thing is that they were about 4 and 7, Mat was speaking to me so grown up but he was little, little enough for me to have both arms around him tightly..... Without going into detail it seemed very real to me and although I didn't get to talk to Brendon ( I guess, as was the case when he was alive, the last thing he wanted to have was an ear bashing from mum) Mat was very good with answering my questions....
I awoke from that dream not knowing where I was for a moment, it seemed so real that I actually thought, oh thank god it was all a dream, they are not gone, it didn't take long for the reality to hit me and the tears just came, tears of relief because I had finally dreamt of them, tears because I got to speak to them, but tears because of the reality of it all, somehow though, having that dream seemed to make the actual birthday easier if that's at all possible, I felt a sense of relief, a kind of un blocking of my mind. I must also have tell you that my daughter too had a dream on the same night but coincidently she only had Brendon speak to her, Mat spoke to me in mine.

So I guess that was a sign from them, they answered my request, they came to me, but really it is such a small comfort in the scheme of things, I am not ready on this journey to be grateful for such visits I would much rather have them here, perhaps grateful is not the right word, I'm not sure what is but I am sure in time I will be happy for such small signs, in the meantime I will cherish the memory of my first dream since loosing my beautiful boys, and know that they will come again in their own time, when I am strong enough to handle such visits.

I guess I just want anyone who might read this, who is going through it, or knows someone who is, just know this, the birthday is not like Christmas day, it is far worse, the worst day to deal with, and made even more sad knowing that you will endure that pain again, and again, and again, be ready, if that's possible....

The picture above is how my boys appeared to me in my dream, although I couldnt make out Brens face, I recognised what they were wearing, thats how I knew roughly how old they were.