Birthday

Tomorrow will be my son's 20th birthday (21st march), I have been beside my self with such a heavy sadness since last Tuesday, it seems the build up to these events is as painfull if not more than the actual day..... How as a mum do I celebrate the birth of my child when I have lost him? Any mum out there knows that on the birthday of your kids you kind of re-play the events of the day that led to their birth, its supposed to be a happy day. As usual I will remember how scared I was on the evening before he was born, my first baby, I didn't have a clue really, I was staying over at the inlaws as Brens dad was on night shift, I woke about 11 pm, rather my waters breaking woke me and before I knew it I was in a car and on the way to hospital, about 9 hours later Brendon Mathew Gilson came into the world, that day I felt like I had grown up, I had a reason for being, I couldn't believe that I had a little baby... We took him home and he was perfect, slept most of time, ate lots and was just a quiet content little boy, he grew to be the kind of child that amused himself, kept hiself busy with toys and T.V when old enough to watch it.

I was remembering thismorning his fascination for less hiddens the " bush tucker man" he loved that show, kind of an 80's style Steve Irwin but not so wild, I would put a video on and sit him front of the telly and he would watch episode after episode.... Then came the movie "back to the future" I think he might have been maybe 8, he loved the main character 'Marty' played by Michael J fox, for the longest time he wanted to be called Marty and would answer to nothing else.

He grew to love books and was always asking questions, I remember we bought him a book once on the evolution of man, he took it to school and came home very upset, told me the book was full of lies and that he couldn't take it to school anymore, when I asked why he said he took it to scripture and questioned the teacher about it compared to what she was teaching, obviously that didn't go down to well, but I told Brendon as I have with all my kids that you have to have all information and make your owned informed decisions on what you believe it right, he stuck with the theory from the book.... Actually he liked scientific type information, he was at one stage considered to be a talented and gifted child, but he hated me saying that, he would say I am just normal, and I guess he tried for the rest of his school days to prove that because after yr7 at highschool he pretty much went wond hill with study from there, don't get me wrong he did ok but he was capable of much more, he was just one of those kids that didn't need to study for a test and still pass.

As Brendon got older more into his teens say about 15, onwards our relationship started to strain, he had became what I had encouraged him to, strong minded and willed, opinionated, wouldn't take no for an answer, and I didn't like it, funny bout that, we raise them to have an opinion but when they have one we don't like it, he could be very stubborn and feisty (I have no idea where he got that from) but so clever... I remember one day I was so cranky I said the F word to him and said " see what you made me do" he said " mum no one makes you do anything you chose to do stuff" gggrrrr was I mad..... Anyway for the longest time I felt that he didn't respect me, wouldnt do anything at home, I was constantly ringing his dad and saying you talk to him he wont listen to me, I had said on many occasions that if you don't get your self together you will have to go stay at dads, I knew if there was any hope of the two of us having a relationship that was going to have to be the way, anyway the day came and I booted him off to dads, he was angry, mat was angry, Georgia was angry I was devastated, felt I acted in haste but it was done.

Brendon told me he would never speak to me again, I was beside myself with what I thought was grief, (little did I know that 4 months later I would experience and continue to experience the real thing) the thought of never speaking to him again I just couldn't handle, I text messaged him everyday and rang him for about 2 weeks then finally he said, " Mum Im over it , we are ok, Im at dads now and that's where Ill stay, from that point on he would visit on occasion and we could actually hold a conversation, he would come to dinner and it was nice, no fighting or yelling, finally I thought, I had done the right thing, however, it did strain things for Mat and I, he really missed his brother, but started to visit his dad more so good came from it I think.

The last longest time I spent with Brendon was a couple of weeks before the accident when I took him to the doctors for an ear infection, he said " mum do you think Im too old to get you to take me?" I said " do you know what to ask, he said no , do you want me to come he said yes, then I said that's it then so off we went, we spent 2 hours waiting to see the dopctor, we discussed, rather I listened, to him talk about the latest on line game, his car, his mates, it was good, I will of course cherish those 2 hours for the rest of my days.

So I will never get to see what kind of mum, son type of relationship Brendon and I would have had as he became a man, I can only imagine that it would have just gotten better and better with time.

Today I struggle with the emotions of losing him and never seeing him as well as the emotions of anger, how could he be so careless, his final selfish act, taking the life of him and his brother, putting the lives of 7 other people at risk and turning the lives of many other upside down, I find my self asking someone, some higher force to give me the strength to forgive Brendon because I know what happened waas not intentional, I have to forgive him for his actions on the day, but its very hard to be angry with someone and not have it out in the open.... My aunty suggested that for his birthday present I give him forgiveness, how do you do that, how do you reconcile that in your own mind, I can say I forgive you mate, I can say the word but it doesn't take away the anger...

I miss my baby's so much I don't really have the words to describe how I feel today, god give me strength to get through my first borns birthday without him cause I don't know where I am going to get it from. I feel really alone in this...

Today I will try to think of other memories of that beautiful boy, and he was a beautiful boy, just a typically teenager, who like many of them thought he was invincible and knew it all... Rest in peace my baby, I love you.....