Finding Meaning
Well another week has come to an end, another week of work and school schedules, another week of life going on, another week of that fake facade that I seem to have become so good at carrying out, that smile and general conversation that I have to have with the outside world, even though my world on the inside has been shattered.
The last couple of weeks I feel have been pretty tough, especially come the weekends, the depression I have felt has been at times almost unbearable, I seem to be able to handle it through the week because I have to, my work has me dealing with many people everyday, the trouble is I give so much to work and strangers through the week I have nothing to give physically or emotionally come the evening or the weekend. I come home from work and the first thing I want to do is draw the curtains and shut the door, its my way of shutting out the world, I usually have a sigh of relief; "ahhh I think, thank goodness another day over"
It's amazing to me how the mind works, I can go all day at work without shedding a tear, but as soon as I leave the office, even during the walk to the car, the tears and emotions start to well up in side, it's almost like my body just knows its time to let go, I get to the car and usually cry on the way home, trying to get it out of my system before my daughter gets home so I can put on that brave face again, its such a roller coaster of emotions.
I have come to the realisation this week that if I am too remain sane at all and get through this I cannot do it without some sort of medical intervention, I have resorted back to the antidepressants, much to my disappointment because I just want to experience this pain, this sad journey the way my body wants to, but unfortunately life and society just don't allow that.
It's also been pointed out to me that I am experiencing 'survivor guilt'. Even though the fact that I am still here is I'm sure a joyous fact for my friends and family, I find it hard to have anything to be happy about. I do feel guilty that I have survived my son's, after all it is not the order of nature. Many times over these past 7 and a half months I have questioned why I am here and the boys are not. This reaction; I have been told is called "survivor guilt" and apparently it is a normal response to a traumatic event, such as the loss of my boy's. It is difficult for me to to feel grateful for being alive while at the same time feeling such intense sorrow for the loss of my babies.
This is the reason I have no desire to go out, no desire to get dressed up, no desire to laugh, smile or enjoy a day out, everything seems to be such an effort, if it wasn't for work I am sure I would just sit at home, after all why should I enjoy anything they can't. Having said that though, there are times when I think I might like to go shopping with my daughter or have coffee or lunch with my friend but when it comes to the day or the time I just cant seem to get the right frame of mind to do it, there's no desire, most of the time I just want to be quiet, but I make the effort and I am sure as time goes on going out etc will be easier.
Something else that I don't get about this grieving process, while I understand that this is a time when I need the support of my family and friends, I also feel that I seem to spend most of the time resiting or pushing away those who care about me the most, I seem to have a need to resist that support or even believe that their support and caring isn't genuine, I still keep feeling that because no one is experiencing the pain ,like me then how can they really know. It is for this reason that I felt I should go back on the medication, what ever it takes to help me see through the fog of emotions that I seem to spiral into on any given day at any given moment, a friend of mine who has also experienced the same loss as me said that I have to do everything and anything I can to overcome the impulse to refuse assistance and to recognize the value of outside help as well as the need for it.
I suppose that like any other parent who has lost a child, life that was once full of meaning, makes no sense, that profound sense of emptiness and loss, that real sense that a part of us has died too is so overwhelming it just seems to surpass any logicical thoughts that we should have about the people and support around us. I have said before that the pain or heaviness in my chest, that feeling of depression and hopelessness about the future is so intense that you just don't seem to be able to think rationally. All the things that were once important to me don't really seem to matter so much any more, I suppose I am trying to find new meaning to my life, which is in itself is not an easy task when your world has been rocked by such a loss... I guess the first step is knowing where to look, I look at my daughter, she is my meaning, she is my saving grace, the only aspect of my life at present that gives me any depth, if it wasn't for her I'm not sure where I would be right now, the second step I guess is knowing how to look, I think that means trying to look beyond my grief, which is hard as it is all so self consuming.
Maybe my 'new meaning' will be that I can focus more on parenting, being the best mother I can be, giving Georgia the support, love and nurturing that she needs, after all she has suffered an immeasurable loss as well, I am sure throughout our lives together as mother and daughter we will need to find strength to get through many events and we will need to lean on each other for that strength. She is my meaning, her wellbeing will be my guiding force for everything I do from now on, she is my purpose and she will give me the strength I need to continue, to look beyond me, to look beyond my pain, I will look at her.
The last couple of weeks I feel have been pretty tough, especially come the weekends, the depression I have felt has been at times almost unbearable, I seem to be able to handle it through the week because I have to, my work has me dealing with many people everyday, the trouble is I give so much to work and strangers through the week I have nothing to give physically or emotionally come the evening or the weekend. I come home from work and the first thing I want to do is draw the curtains and shut the door, its my way of shutting out the world, I usually have a sigh of relief; "ahhh I think, thank goodness another day over"
It's amazing to me how the mind works, I can go all day at work without shedding a tear, but as soon as I leave the office, even during the walk to the car, the tears and emotions start to well up in side, it's almost like my body just knows its time to let go, I get to the car and usually cry on the way home, trying to get it out of my system before my daughter gets home so I can put on that brave face again, its such a roller coaster of emotions.
I have come to the realisation this week that if I am too remain sane at all and get through this I cannot do it without some sort of medical intervention, I have resorted back to the antidepressants, much to my disappointment because I just want to experience this pain, this sad journey the way my body wants to, but unfortunately life and society just don't allow that.
It's also been pointed out to me that I am experiencing 'survivor guilt'. Even though the fact that I am still here is I'm sure a joyous fact for my friends and family, I find it hard to have anything to be happy about. I do feel guilty that I have survived my son's, after all it is not the order of nature. Many times over these past 7 and a half months I have questioned why I am here and the boys are not. This reaction; I have been told is called "survivor guilt" and apparently it is a normal response to a traumatic event, such as the loss of my boy's. It is difficult for me to to feel grateful for being alive while at the same time feeling such intense sorrow for the loss of my babies.
This is the reason I have no desire to go out, no desire to get dressed up, no desire to laugh, smile or enjoy a day out, everything seems to be such an effort, if it wasn't for work I am sure I would just sit at home, after all why should I enjoy anything they can't. Having said that though, there are times when I think I might like to go shopping with my daughter or have coffee or lunch with my friend but when it comes to the day or the time I just cant seem to get the right frame of mind to do it, there's no desire, most of the time I just want to be quiet, but I make the effort and I am sure as time goes on going out etc will be easier.
Something else that I don't get about this grieving process, while I understand that this is a time when I need the support of my family and friends, I also feel that I seem to spend most of the time resiting or pushing away those who care about me the most, I seem to have a need to resist that support or even believe that their support and caring isn't genuine, I still keep feeling that because no one is experiencing the pain ,like me then how can they really know. It is for this reason that I felt I should go back on the medication, what ever it takes to help me see through the fog of emotions that I seem to spiral into on any given day at any given moment, a friend of mine who has also experienced the same loss as me said that I have to do everything and anything I can to overcome the impulse to refuse assistance and to recognize the value of outside help as well as the need for it.
I suppose that like any other parent who has lost a child, life that was once full of meaning, makes no sense, that profound sense of emptiness and loss, that real sense that a part of us has died too is so overwhelming it just seems to surpass any logicical thoughts that we should have about the people and support around us. I have said before that the pain or heaviness in my chest, that feeling of depression and hopelessness about the future is so intense that you just don't seem to be able to think rationally. All the things that were once important to me don't really seem to matter so much any more, I suppose I am trying to find new meaning to my life, which is in itself is not an easy task when your world has been rocked by such a loss... I guess the first step is knowing where to look, I look at my daughter, she is my meaning, she is my saving grace, the only aspect of my life at present that gives me any depth, if it wasn't for her I'm not sure where I would be right now, the second step I guess is knowing how to look, I think that means trying to look beyond my grief, which is hard as it is all so self consuming.
Maybe my 'new meaning' will be that I can focus more on parenting, being the best mother I can be, giving Georgia the support, love and nurturing that she needs, after all she has suffered an immeasurable loss as well, I am sure throughout our lives together as mother and daughter we will need to find strength to get through many events and we will need to lean on each other for that strength. She is my meaning, her wellbeing will be my guiding force for everything I do from now on, she is my purpose and she will give me the strength I need to continue, to look beyond me, to look beyond my pain, I will look at her.
"Finding meaning is no substitute for your loss, but it will help to sustain you and provide the substance from which you can rebuild yourlife"
posted by Michelle @ 3:27 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home