The Holiday
Well we are home from the holiday I was dreading, I have to say like most things for me now, the build up to the event is often harder than the event, the same can be said for the first holiday as half a family... Well I had an axiety attack on the plane before we even took off, the reality of actually leaving home, that small space, all those people excited about a trip and here I was saying I don't want to go, anyway got through it and we took off.
A little over 2 hours later we landed, Georgia was so excited, we had to collect the camper van for our road trip and then we were off, all I could think about were the boys and the fact that I should be at home, wanted to be at home, and damn it I was not going to enjoy myself at all, after all what was the point, of course I know, as do most, that you often talk yourself into a mood or attitude and I was succeeding in talking my self into a very negative one, lets face it I started even before we left... But I have to say unless you have experienced the pain and loss that I and any other parents have you will never know how hard it is to get your self out of the mood or the house, how hard it is to step outside of that very safe shell you build around yourself when you are dealing with grief, but let me tell you IT IS HARD.
There were more hard moments than hard days, most days I seemed to be in my own daze just going with the flow, a couple of times I actually had to stop myself saying out loud " this will be a good present for the boys" it seemed that everywhere I turned there were happy families and I just had the weight of the world on my shoulders... I thought I put on a great show of enjoying myself until I saw some of the photos, I look so sad, even standing beside Georgia I could hardly muster up a smile, well actually I thought I was smiling, the problem is that the sadness shines through so strongly its almost impossible to hide.
By day 2 I really had to try hard to snap myself out of it if we were to enjoy anytime together at all, I did a lot of self talk that day and tried really hard to think what the boys would want..Anyway the holiday went well the scenery in NZ is just beautiful and the air is so clean and fresh it was a nice change of scenery, and in some way I guess a small distraction for us all in our own ways....
The day we returned home we had to fill in almost a whole day, that was I think the hardest day, I just wanted to be home in my familiar surrounds but at the same time I knew I was returning to all those visible memories, at least when you are away you really only have what's in your head, but at home there are all those reminders that they are no longer here, in some small way I think I almost didn't want to come home, perhaps it was my way of escaping the reality that is now our life.
The 9 month mark passed while we were away, we climbed the fox glacier that day and funny enough all I could think about was how much Brendon would have been grumbling about the walking and the cold, and how bored Mat would have been... I cannot believe my boys have been gone 9 months.
The guide asked Georgia if she had any brothers or sister, she said her brothers were at home, she handled that so well, but when I spoke to her about it she just said "mum I didnt want to get into it and after all they are kind of at home" I am sometimes so wrapped up in my own grief that I forget it is so hard for her as well, I know she missed them on the holiday.
Anyway there were points of the holiday that we all said gee the boys would have liked that or gee the boys would have hated that, all I could really think is that I cant believe they are not here by choice... Unless you have experienced this pain you would not understand how every month I can say " I cant believe it" and I think when this happens as the parent, relative or even friend we will always be saying I cant believe it, but I know from talking to others who have walked in my shoes and continue to that I will always think I can't believe it but it will be easier to accept.
So now what's left in our year of first's, we have mothers day and Mats birthday, Bren's best mates 21st and I know it will sound strange but we have Anzac day, my friends will know what I mean, but I think Anzac day will be really hard as its the last day that we were all together having fun pretending to play Twoup, I remember Brendon laughing and yelling, all the kids making noise and pretend bets, as I sit here now it brings me to tears to think just 12 months ago everything was normal, I try to remember their faces and their voices instead of thinking of the loss but gee its hard, I pray that they give me the strength to think good thoughts on that day along with the other remaining first's we have to encounter...... I love my boys and miss them so much.
A little over 2 hours later we landed, Georgia was so excited, we had to collect the camper van for our road trip and then we were off, all I could think about were the boys and the fact that I should be at home, wanted to be at home, and damn it I was not going to enjoy myself at all, after all what was the point, of course I know, as do most, that you often talk yourself into a mood or attitude and I was succeeding in talking my self into a very negative one, lets face it I started even before we left... But I have to say unless you have experienced the pain and loss that I and any other parents have you will never know how hard it is to get your self out of the mood or the house, how hard it is to step outside of that very safe shell you build around yourself when you are dealing with grief, but let me tell you IT IS HARD.
There were more hard moments than hard days, most days I seemed to be in my own daze just going with the flow, a couple of times I actually had to stop myself saying out loud " this will be a good present for the boys" it seemed that everywhere I turned there were happy families and I just had the weight of the world on my shoulders... I thought I put on a great show of enjoying myself until I saw some of the photos, I look so sad, even standing beside Georgia I could hardly muster up a smile, well actually I thought I was smiling, the problem is that the sadness shines through so strongly its almost impossible to hide.
By day 2 I really had to try hard to snap myself out of it if we were to enjoy anytime together at all, I did a lot of self talk that day and tried really hard to think what the boys would want..Anyway the holiday went well the scenery in NZ is just beautiful and the air is so clean and fresh it was a nice change of scenery, and in some way I guess a small distraction for us all in our own ways....
The day we returned home we had to fill in almost a whole day, that was I think the hardest day, I just wanted to be home in my familiar surrounds but at the same time I knew I was returning to all those visible memories, at least when you are away you really only have what's in your head, but at home there are all those reminders that they are no longer here, in some small way I think I almost didn't want to come home, perhaps it was my way of escaping the reality that is now our life.
The 9 month mark passed while we were away, we climbed the fox glacier that day and funny enough all I could think about was how much Brendon would have been grumbling about the walking and the cold, and how bored Mat would have been... I cannot believe my boys have been gone 9 months.
The guide asked Georgia if she had any brothers or sister, she said her brothers were at home, she handled that so well, but when I spoke to her about it she just said "mum I didnt want to get into it and after all they are kind of at home" I am sometimes so wrapped up in my own grief that I forget it is so hard for her as well, I know she missed them on the holiday.
Anyway there were points of the holiday that we all said gee the boys would have liked that or gee the boys would have hated that, all I could really think is that I cant believe they are not here by choice... Unless you have experienced this pain you would not understand how every month I can say " I cant believe it" and I think when this happens as the parent, relative or even friend we will always be saying I cant believe it, but I know from talking to others who have walked in my shoes and continue to that I will always think I can't believe it but it will be easier to accept.
So now what's left in our year of first's, we have mothers day and Mats birthday, Bren's best mates 21st and I know it will sound strange but we have Anzac day, my friends will know what I mean, but I think Anzac day will be really hard as its the last day that we were all together having fun pretending to play Twoup, I remember Brendon laughing and yelling, all the kids making noise and pretend bets, as I sit here now it brings me to tears to think just 12 months ago everything was normal, I try to remember their faces and their voices instead of thinking of the loss but gee its hard, I pray that they give me the strength to think good thoughts on that day along with the other remaining first's we have to encounter...... I love my boys and miss them so much.
posted by Michelle @ 7:30 PM
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