Just an entry

I said in the beginning of this journey that I wanted to write this journal for my daughter and friends so that they may understand in time to come just how I was feeling during this change in my life, I have also said that I am writhing in the hope that I can help my self to heal and give other parents who may be new to this journey some insight to the feelings and emotions that a parent may feel after the loss of a child..... Well tonight is one such healing entry, I am choosing to write because I have been in a bad mind space all day, all week for that ,matter, and I know a lot of the emotions I am feeling are to do with the impending holiday, but also and perhaps more so, for the reality of it all... I feel that I am perhaps entering the worst phase of this journey, the absolute reality that my boys are not coming home, the knowing that I will never have a conversation with them again, just that definite knowing that the emptiness I feel today will accompany me for the rest of my days...

I am home on my own at present and while I like that quiet time, for someone grieving its not always the best thing, your mind can take you to a very dark place before you know it, you can be watching T.V one minute then your mind just wonders off and before you know the tears are just flowing, the questions begin, AGAIN, why me, why us, how???? I often go into my son's room and just sit in astonishment at the hand that we have been dealt... Only last night we had to attend my daughters athletics presentation, of course I went under protest and like most things I never want to do it but once its done its not so bad, I told my daughter, rather I tried to explain to her that I really couldn't face all those people, she said " don't worry mum, there's next year" but I thought about that, there might not be a next year might there, this time last year I was trying to convince the boys to go to her presentation, but they said no way, too boring, only 12 short months ago and we were all living a normal life, if only we had known.... After she said that to me I got up and got ready, as I along with any parent or even anyone who has lost someone knows only too well, you just never know...

Tonight I decided to go into Mats room and start to sort out his things, I had bought some storage containers some weeks ago and thought I might just start putting some things away, but here's the thing, what do you do with everything, my logical self says give the clothes to someone needy but my heart says, " they are Mats" even his dirty old shoes I cant bring myself to throw away, I found old school work and books he used to read, some things gave me a smile but mostly it was gut wrenching, very sad and lots of tears and still to some extent unbelievable, what to do with all his things, for someone who lived such a short life he collected so much stuff and clothes, he loved buying clothes with his pay each week, some things still had tags on them.... So I packed things up and just sat and looked at everything, I still need a couple more storage boxes but its a start, one thing I did find was his deodorant, I sat and smelt that deodorant for the longest time, it reminded me of him just getting out of the shower, standing in his boxers with his no bum and ironing his clothes, making his peanut butter toast, gelling his hair, funny thing is I will treasure that little roll on deodorant the most I think.

So here I sit writhing instead of crying, mind you when I started I was crying, but there's something about writing that just helps you to vent I think, I feel its productive use of my energy and I guess if they are watching over me they would prefer that I do that after all they would be used to seeing me at the computer.

I'm feeling pretty bad tonight and sadly I know it wont get any better for sometime, but as my friend who has experienced the same and continues to do so(6 years this month since the death of her son) says, I will find peace, It will get easier to accept and I will be able to smile and enjoy life again, I look at her and I see it's possible I just don't feel it yet, I just have to believe it to be true.

I might also just use this entry to thank my friends who are supporting me on this journey, I know its rough for you as well and I appreciate your ears, your patience and most of all your love and support because I know if there was ever a time in my life when I needed help its now, thankyou for all being there for me.