Our first holiday since.....
We are preparing to take our first holiday since the boys accident, I have to say I so do not want to go, I am seriously having issues this week with the whole concept of actually leaving, not only the country but my house, my comfort zone, my friends who are my support network, my work which has also proved too be another hiding place for my feelings, thoughts and emotions... Georgia on the other hand is quite excited, she has always wanted to go to NewZealand and has quite a lot that she wants to do, how do I help her understand how hard it is for me to go away?
I think the best thing to do is be honest with her, and honest with my self, I don't want to go because I don't want to be put in a position where I might enjoy something, where I might have fun, I am scared to leave the comfort bubble that I have created at home, I am scared to be away from the boys, what if they are looking for me???? It has been said to me more times than I can count, that I must think of what the boys would want of me, that is, they would not want me to be sad, crying all the time, staying at home, apparently I am to imagine if it had been me killed and I was looking down on them, what would I want them to do, well you know what, its all just words, I am the mum, I have never done anything that I wouldn't do or give to the kids first or as well, I cant simply say, oh ok they would want me to be happy and live life so I will, it is just too painful.
How do you live life when most times its an effort to breath, I don't want to look at life most times, let alone live life, its so hard... How can I possibly think of going away?
This trip is not just a trip, for me it is a stepping stone, its a test to see how I cope in the outside world because other than work and the odd supermarket shopping I don't associate with the outside world really. My head tells me I must start, but my heart is so heavy.
I wonder how the three of us will cope in a confined space for 6 days (campervan) afterall at home we can escape each other, we can retreat into our own space, perhaps it will be a test on the relationships as well.
I read that another mum who has experienced the same said it was a blessing in disguise to go away, good to be around people that didn't know, no sad looks, also good to come home and have something else to talk about, so perhaps it will be the same for us, who knows..
This I know to be true, I am sure to be just as sad in another country as I am here, the only difference will be the scenery, perhaps that will be just the ticket, if only for a short time each day to have different surroundings.
I think the best thing to do is be honest with her, and honest with my self, I don't want to go because I don't want to be put in a position where I might enjoy something, where I might have fun, I am scared to leave the comfort bubble that I have created at home, I am scared to be away from the boys, what if they are looking for me???? It has been said to me more times than I can count, that I must think of what the boys would want of me, that is, they would not want me to be sad, crying all the time, staying at home, apparently I am to imagine if it had been me killed and I was looking down on them, what would I want them to do, well you know what, its all just words, I am the mum, I have never done anything that I wouldn't do or give to the kids first or as well, I cant simply say, oh ok they would want me to be happy and live life so I will, it is just too painful.
How do you live life when most times its an effort to breath, I don't want to look at life most times, let alone live life, its so hard... How can I possibly think of going away?
This trip is not just a trip, for me it is a stepping stone, its a test to see how I cope in the outside world because other than work and the odd supermarket shopping I don't associate with the outside world really. My head tells me I must start, but my heart is so heavy.
I wonder how the three of us will cope in a confined space for 6 days (campervan) afterall at home we can escape each other, we can retreat into our own space, perhaps it will be a test on the relationships as well.
I read that another mum who has experienced the same said it was a blessing in disguise to go away, good to be around people that didn't know, no sad looks, also good to come home and have something else to talk about, so perhaps it will be the same for us, who knows..
This I know to be true, I am sure to be just as sad in another country as I am here, the only difference will be the scenery, perhaps that will be just the ticket, if only for a short time each day to have different surroundings.
posted by Michelle @ 2:00 PM
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