Forever Changed

Over the past couple of weeks I have slowly felt like I am falling apart, starting to feel like some kind of lunatic, a person who is unable at times to control emotions, feeling and worst of all the daily events that seem to fill our life.... I have been told I am improving, little by little, but I don't see it, I am no longer in control of my emotions and thoughts, actually at times I feel so out of control, so agitated even I don't know what to do with me so I don't know how anyone else can cope. I am no longer the independent, always active, head strong mother of three, all of those characteristics that made me me, the motivation, enough for me and everyone else, where has it all gone, where have I gone.... The loss of a child brings such changes to one personally, not only do I miss their presence, their laughter, their faces, their cheeky comments, their naughtiness, I miss me... People say they admire my strength, little do they know I don't feel strong at all, most of the time I am scared, I am scared about what tomorrow will bring, I worry that I cant plan anything beyond today, I am scared at what the future holds, I am scared to go to bed at night because I know the tears will come. I go about my daily work routine, the tasks to be completed, I smile at work and everyone thinks I am fine... I am not !!! I feel like I am slowly unraveling like a ball of wool.
I read today, something that someone else had written, another mother going through the same thing, and I realized I am not going mad, its all normal, I read her words and thought, hhmm I can so relate to that, perhaps that's why I wanted to write this today, in case some other mum is feeling the same, or dad for that matter, they can know it's normal, it's normal to feel so lost and out of control, it's a grieving parents 'new normal'.

I know we are not supposed to be so hard on our selves when dealing with grief, that it takes time to come to terms with what has happened, it takes time to develop new normals, after all I have read it 1000 times, all the books on grief say the same thing, what they cant tell you is how to deal with the feelings of being so out of control, they cant tell you how to get up and carry on with each day, they cant tell you how to learn to laugh again, of course not there are no classes for this, it is such a personal journey that each of us has to deal with in our own way... I was starting to think I have done this all the wrong way around, I should have stopped work straight away, taken leave, then maybe I would be ok by now, but I realize I will never be 'OK' again, I will never be the same person, my babies are gone, the hugest part of my life so far gone in an instant, the pain of losing my boy's has left a permanent scar on my heart... One thing I do realise is that this will take time, and I have to give my self time, I know that but it's just so hard.