Another month

Well here we are at the 11th month, its so hard to believe its happened let alone that it has been 11 months, It might sound strange but I haven't given as much thought to the 11th month as I have to the fact that 1 year is coming up, 1 year, it seems hard to believe.... I have spent the past couple of months thinking about what to do for the 12 month mark, I feel that the day must not pass like any other 14th of any month, that it must be remembered in a special somewhat different way.. As the mum I feel that I must do something special to remember there passing day, I don't call it the anniversary because anniversaries are usually celebrated, the passing of my sons is no celebration, but their short lives certainly are and that's what I want to try to do, celebrate what they had done and become.

So where are we (remaining family and friends) emotionally at the 11th month, well speaking for my self, I am finding it easier to do more things, get the bread and milk, take Georgia to soccer, and I even vacuumed this weekend, so I guess I am doing ok, the nights are still really hard, coming home from work I don't look at the answering machine as much anymore in the hope that there would be a 18oo reverse message from Mat, and when I hear a car come down the road with a huge sound system I don't say as often "I wish that was Brendon" I do still talk to them everyday, I do still look at their photos and think, I cant believe it but slowly I am starting to breath. As for Georgia, well I guess I set the tone for her, if I am smiling or laughing then so is she, she has her quiet days but talks of the boys often and that's a good thing. As for anyone else, well I can only guess, I know some of the mates are still struggling with the loss and some of them still visit me, for others, like most I guess life goes on.

We have a new addition to our family, a puppy, her name is Amy she is a little house dog and what good therapy she is, a distraction for me and she brings us all together at times, I never thought I would welcome a pet more than I have and I know the boys would be very shocked to see it but she is good for all of us.

I had my first grief counseling session today, he said I don't need to come back, that I seem to have things in hand, he really only confirmed what I already knew, that only I can help me when I feel ready.. He suggests relaxation classes to help with sleep so I shall give that a go.

I used to wonder why people would say the first year will be the hardest, I would say but how can any day, month, year from the point of their deaths be any better, but I know why they say that now, because I will know how to handle those special events, I know how I will feel, I can prepare for them now as I have done, that's why so early in preparing for the marking of the first year, I know its going to be a rough few weeks in the lead up because that's what its always like for me, once we get to the day its almost like well we got this far we can keep going.

So all in all I guess if I am going OK then WE are doing ok, after all I am still breathing and I always say while that's happening then its a good thing, I seem to have more ok days than bad so I guess that in its self is a sign of recovery, who knows how we shall get through another sad year of not hearing their voices or seeing their smiles, all I know is we will, WHY?? Because we have, they are with us and will give us strength to continue..

Mathews Birthday

Well another first is upon us, tomorrow the 2nd of June will be Matty's birthday, he would have been 17, I have been trying to think of what to write for Mat, have been trying to remember him as a baby, but I am so consumed with our last weeks and days together that I find it really hard to focus on the good things, you see Mat and I never really argued over anything until 2 weeks before that fateful day, and we never really got to resolve it so I guess that's something I have to deal with in my own way over time.... Where do I start with Mat, well not everyone one will know that he was one of a twin, I lost one at about 10 weeks I think its really hard to remember cause I didn't know I was having 2, anyway I had to have bed rest for a while feet up and taking it easy, I remember during this time that their dad cooked the only meal he had ever cooked for me while we were married, it was a tin of braised steak and onions and tin sausage mix, you have to give him credit for trying but boy was it yuk, thankfully my friend at the time Belinda came to the rescue with some meals after that... Anyway Mat, I don't remember much about his birth but I do know as a baby he was a pain in the bum, didn't sleep well, always had wind, he and I spent many nights sleeping on the floor so he could lay on his belly on a hard surface to help the wind, I know that when I would go to work as he got a little older the girls would ask me how is Mat today and I would reply " he's been sent from hell to destroy me" what a devil of a baby... He hated meat and would be able to find it in any meal even if I mushed it up, I used to take him on the train to Newcastle with Bren for the day, he hated strangers, he would cry if they looked at him, we often had to stand at the front of the train where you put the pushbikes.

Pre-school time came and what a character, always wanting to be the centre of attention, wearing his undies on the outside like Superman, dressing up in whatever he felt like at the time, the cheekiest smile but so lovelable. He tormented his brother all the time, as Brendon was a little quieter they often clashed while growing up, it wasn't until perhaps the last couple of years that they really became close brothers I think.

I remember once being called to the principles office of the child care centre because he had been caught kissing a little girl, yes he loved girls and that continued on always having girlfriends, and even now a good portion of his friends are girls.

He was in trouble once for pulling his pants down on the bus and mooning out the window, he said " Bart Simpson does it" what could I say. He wasn't really into telly or books that I can remember, he really liked being active and playing.. As he got older his personality started to really develop, a really kind, caring, understanding young man, if ever we did argue he would walk away then come back and say ok mum I don't know why you got angry but lets talk about it.

Once he hit 15 a metamorphosis begun to occur, the clothes changed, he grew his hair long, dyed his hair black, got his first real girlfriend, I asked him once if the aliens had come and swapped him with my real son over night, but no, our little Mat was growing up... I thought he was perfect, never in any real trouble, couple of things at school but really harmless school boy stuff, never thought he mucked up at parties, or drank or had sex, little did I know just how much he had grown up and experienced, after the funeral his friends shared with me many stories, it seems he had me wrapped around his little finger, but in highnsight its good that he experienced what he did in such a short time.
Mat and I were very similar in personality and nature, he had been working since 14 and a bit when he asked if he could have some work experience in a local cafe, he washed dishes in that place for hours on the weekends often getting nothing for it other than a sore back, then he got himself a job at Macca's, he ended up hating it and quit, I was cross of course as a mum would be, after all in my day you didn't just quit a job because you didn't like the boss, but I should have known he wouldn't be out of work long, virtually the next day he had a job at Best & Less, how proud I was of him in his shirt and tie, he didn't really like it too much but preferred it over the food business, so I guess he did get to experience a lot more than some at his age, but he had so much more to experience, he used to say " mum I cant wait to have kids, it will be so cool" of course I said WAIT, sadly something he will never experience..

I miss his laughter, his cheekiness and showing off, I miss hearing him play his guitar, I miss hearing him fight and arue with his sister, I miss smelling him cooking his peanut butter toast in the morning, I miss seeing his scrawny little bum in his boxers standing at the ironing board ironing his clothes, I miss the smell of his deodorant I miss picking him up from school, but most of all ..... I miss HIM

I don't really know as a mum how I am supposed to go on without my boys, I only know that as painful as it is I do, somehow I have to go on for Georgia's sake. I am still shaking my head, asking how could this be, why, but with I also ask myself how, how do I go on, what can I do to get through this? I haven't quite figured that out yet, its really one day at a time as any parent who has experienced this will know. I just have to accept that he will be with me in spirit.

Happy birthday baby, we miss you

Photo above; Mat's birthday last year