Mathews Birthday

Well another first is upon us, tomorrow the 2nd of June will be Matty's birthday, he would have been 17, I have been trying to think of what to write for Mat, have been trying to remember him as a baby, but I am so consumed with our last weeks and days together that I find it really hard to focus on the good things, you see Mat and I never really argued over anything until 2 weeks before that fateful day, and we never really got to resolve it so I guess that's something I have to deal with in my own way over time.... Where do I start with Mat, well not everyone one will know that he was one of a twin, I lost one at about 10 weeks I think its really hard to remember cause I didn't know I was having 2, anyway I had to have bed rest for a while feet up and taking it easy, I remember during this time that their dad cooked the only meal he had ever cooked for me while we were married, it was a tin of braised steak and onions and tin sausage mix, you have to give him credit for trying but boy was it yuk, thankfully my friend at the time Belinda came to the rescue with some meals after that... Anyway Mat, I don't remember much about his birth but I do know as a baby he was a pain in the bum, didn't sleep well, always had wind, he and I spent many nights sleeping on the floor so he could lay on his belly on a hard surface to help the wind, I know that when I would go to work as he got a little older the girls would ask me how is Mat today and I would reply " he's been sent from hell to destroy me" what a devil of a baby... He hated meat and would be able to find it in any meal even if I mushed it up, I used to take him on the train to Newcastle with Bren for the day, he hated strangers, he would cry if they looked at him, we often had to stand at the front of the train where you put the pushbikes.

Pre-school time came and what a character, always wanting to be the centre of attention, wearing his undies on the outside like Superman, dressing up in whatever he felt like at the time, the cheekiest smile but so lovelable. He tormented his brother all the time, as Brendon was a little quieter they often clashed while growing up, it wasn't until perhaps the last couple of years that they really became close brothers I think.

I remember once being called to the principles office of the child care centre because he had been caught kissing a little girl, yes he loved girls and that continued on always having girlfriends, and even now a good portion of his friends are girls.

He was in trouble once for pulling his pants down on the bus and mooning out the window, he said " Bart Simpson does it" what could I say. He wasn't really into telly or books that I can remember, he really liked being active and playing.. As he got older his personality started to really develop, a really kind, caring, understanding young man, if ever we did argue he would walk away then come back and say ok mum I don't know why you got angry but lets talk about it.

Once he hit 15 a metamorphosis begun to occur, the clothes changed, he grew his hair long, dyed his hair black, got his first real girlfriend, I asked him once if the aliens had come and swapped him with my real son over night, but no, our little Mat was growing up... I thought he was perfect, never in any real trouble, couple of things at school but really harmless school boy stuff, never thought he mucked up at parties, or drank or had sex, little did I know just how much he had grown up and experienced, after the funeral his friends shared with me many stories, it seems he had me wrapped around his little finger, but in highnsight its good that he experienced what he did in such a short time.
Mat and I were very similar in personality and nature, he had been working since 14 and a bit when he asked if he could have some work experience in a local cafe, he washed dishes in that place for hours on the weekends often getting nothing for it other than a sore back, then he got himself a job at Macca's, he ended up hating it and quit, I was cross of course as a mum would be, after all in my day you didn't just quit a job because you didn't like the boss, but I should have known he wouldn't be out of work long, virtually the next day he had a job at Best & Less, how proud I was of him in his shirt and tie, he didn't really like it too much but preferred it over the food business, so I guess he did get to experience a lot more than some at his age, but he had so much more to experience, he used to say " mum I cant wait to have kids, it will be so cool" of course I said WAIT, sadly something he will never experience..

I miss his laughter, his cheekiness and showing off, I miss hearing him play his guitar, I miss hearing him fight and arue with his sister, I miss smelling him cooking his peanut butter toast in the morning, I miss seeing his scrawny little bum in his boxers standing at the ironing board ironing his clothes, I miss the smell of his deodorant I miss picking him up from school, but most of all ..... I miss HIM

I don't really know as a mum how I am supposed to go on without my boys, I only know that as painful as it is I do, somehow I have to go on for Georgia's sake. I am still shaking my head, asking how could this be, why, but with I also ask myself how, how do I go on, what can I do to get through this? I haven't quite figured that out yet, its really one day at a time as any parent who has experienced this will know. I just have to accept that he will be with me in spirit.

Happy birthday baby, we miss you

Photo above; Mat's birthday last year