Appreciation

We have just returned from a very brief dinner outing, 1 hour to be exact, I feel so bummed out about what I saw, it got me thinking.......

Sitting there in the crowded Pizza restaurant watching all the families go about their business, eating, chatting and having a seemingly good time in general I noticed one family in particular and just couldn't stop looking at them.... I noticed the teenage boy, I would say about 15 or 16 had been crying, obviously he had had an argument with mum because she looked at him and then turned her head(being a mum I know that look) , he came in after the rest of the family... I am sitting there looking at the mum not speaking, not making eye contact and the young boy with his head hanging low most likely very angry with mum, and I thought if only they both knew how lucky they were, how could she not speak to him, what if the last words they had said in the car were the last words they shared EVER? Then I thought wait a minute I too was one of those mums, how dare I think bad of her of course she wouldn't think anything of arguing with her son after all they probably do it every day,he is a teenager ... How sad it is that we don't realize what we have until its gone, that old saying is so true, I watched them and I felt very jealous, I thought to my self I would give anything to have my boys here and there is a mum not appreciating what she has, but that's just it isn't, I have said it before, we so take our kids for granted....... I pray that that mum never experiences the loss I have suffered, I hope that no parent would have to sit in a resturant feeling so sad and lost, I actually felt like I couldn't breath, I really wanted to say something to her but what would be the point, if someone had said to me 1 year and 2 weeks ago, go easy on the kids you never know what might happen I would have dismissed it after all we never think it could happen to us....

So here I sit again writing as an outlet when all I really want to do is scream, someone said to me the other day, "you seem in really good spirits this week" if only they knew, this rollercoaster of emotions, it SUX!!!! If it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, I am, tonight I am, but I think sometimes I have the right to feel that way afterall I am experiencing what no parent should.

The end of the first year

Most people would say we have just had the anniversary of my my sons deaths, their first anniversary, I cant think of it as an anniversary, to me they are something to be celebrated, I just called it the end of the first year.. I suppose regardless of how one looks at it, or what you call it, the 14th of July marked the end of the first year, the beginning of the rest of our years without 2 of my children, what now I thought, we have gone through all of those firsts, the Christmas, the birthdays, other special family and traditional events of the year, all those special occasions with out them, now what do we do, turn around and do it all again I guess.

As for the day, I planned well in advance what I was going to do, with the help of my daughter we planned what we thought would be the perfect way to conduct their memorial, after all I have had no experience at such an event before, never having been to one let alone planed one, I read books, researched on the internet, but when it came down to it I had to do what felt right for me... I decided to call it a 'memory sharing day', I asked only a few close people to attend and bring with them a story to share that reflected the relationship they had with the boys, my daughter and I searched long and hard through the boys music to select some appropriate songs, songs that they liked, we ordered helium balloons and flowers, so the planning was done, all we had to do was wait for the day, and from my perspective what a wait it was, like any other event the build up to the day was hard, but unlike any other event the actual day was very hard, it was like getting ready to attend the funeral, I retreated to my bed for the day, after all its the only place I can really be alone with my thoughts and feelings, it was quiet, warm and very safe, Georgia watched movies and Todd, well like any other man in this situation I guess he pottered around, doing odd jobs, keeping busy, then came time to get ready, what to wear? What does one wear to their child's memorial? Do you get dressed up, do you go in what ever not caring about what others think? Funnily enough, you do care what others think on this day, so I did dress tidy, the event went as planned, actually better than planned, it turned out to be as I had hopped, there were shared memories, tears, smiles, laughter, hugs, but most of all a sense of love and remembrance for two beautiful lives cut terribly short..

So what happens now, one of my greatest fears is that people think its over now, the grieving, the anger, the sadness, after all 1 year has passed how bad can it be now, supposedly we have had time to come to terms with the loss, I fear that peoples expectations of me will change now, I should feel better, but let me say that just because the calendar says one year is up, my heart does not, to me it seems like only one week has passed, the only thing is that now we have a calendar of sad events, all special occasions since the day of their accident have become endurance tests and will be for the rest of my life, I feel now that the true journey begins, the wheels are truly in motion now, the routine rolloercoaster of emotions has begun, the momentum has settled but the ride continues, I guess all that is left now is for us to hang on and make the best of it... But that's just the thing, how does a parent make 'the best of it' ? What do I do now? Just because a year has passed doesn't mean my future is any clearer, I still have little desire to do anything other than what is required of me during any given day... Having said that, I have contact now with two mum's in particular who are on my same journey, they are many years in front of me, in them I can see that you do learn to live again, the pain never truly goes away, the memories of happier times become clearer and I guess that's what helps you get through the rest of life, that and the fact that I have a daughter who needs me, and a huge support network of friends beside me.

I think back now, to those early days, weeks and months following the accident, especially this week, feeling that the grief I felt at the time seemed impossible to deal with, those days and nights of crying, the sheer exhaustion and the pain seemed almost unbearable, a true test of ones strength, and resolve, I was certain at times that I would never get past that time in my life, but I did. There were and on occasion still are times where I have felt as a parent I had failed them, I should have been home, I should have protected them, it should have been me, the pain of grief felt like such a deep pit that I never thought it possible to go on, but I did.

The year has also been full of disappointments by those around me, just when I needed my partner the most, I would find he could help me the least, the expectations I placed on this person were so high, often causing arguments, un necessary stress and sometimes hate, then there are the 'friends' and family that have been with me throughout out my life who almost seem to disappear, the thoughtless things they say and do, the things they don't do, how awkward the year has been for them, how unfair I have been on them, sometimes I though I would never get my self out of those feelings of anger and resentment, but I did, I have come to understand that they don't know what to do or say, this is also a journey of learning for them.
I have felt over the past year that I would never enjoy a party again, never want to go out or travel, never socialize and definitely not laugh. While some of these are yet to be achieved I know I have come a long way in adjusting during this year and I guess if I chose it will only improve, and that is the main thing, ' if I chose' I realize that I can choose to have a future without my boys in the physical sense, I chose to believe they are with me every day in a spiritual sense and their strength will get me through, I have to believe that.

As long as I live I will be sad and sorry that Brendon and Mathew are dead, that is a fact and that is something that I will carry with me always, I miss them every day, I talk to them everyday, there will be events and occasions when I will miss them more, things I know that they would have so loved to be a part of, but for the rest of my families sake I have to continue on with these events, I do have to try, as I have been told it will get easier.... I hope!!

Missing them

Sadly the 12 month mark is fast approaching, 10 days away to be exact, this time last year we were a normal family of five, I was saying bye to the kids, we were off to Fiji, they were off to dad's, everything was 'normal' Todd had planned to take the boys away on a boys weekend to the Blue Mountains on our return, Georgia and I were to have a girls weekend in Sydney, if we had only known what precious little time we had with them.... I wonder all the time how Brendon and I would have been getting on by now, I am sure we would have started to have a great mum son relationship, Mat would have had his license by now and been getting up to goodness knows what, they have missed so much, they will miss so much and we all miss them so much, I try to tell my self that they got to experience much more than some kids their age, but so what I say, they had so much more to experience.

We have also just moved house, couldn't stay at the other place with the new dog... How distressing to see my boys rooms empty, it was gut wrenching pulling posters off the walls and packing things away, I layed on Mats bed and thought about all the plans he would have made in that bed,his linen didn't smell like him anymore but I gently rolled it up anyway and put it all in a bag, for what I don't know, one day I will pull it out and say"this was the last set of sheets Mat ever slept on", Brendons pillows still smelt a little like him.
I have set 'the boys room' up in the new house, I had to, how does a mum that has always had a boys room not have one anymore, I put a couple of Mats posters up, his guitar, some photos of Bren, their computer desk and computer, made up Brens big bed and that's how it will sit until when? Who knows, forever as far as I am concerned, after all I will always be a mother to two boys... Anyway as anyone who has experienced such a loss would know you just need somewhere to go, to think about them, feel them, reflect on what would have been, that will be my space.

Georgia and I have planned a ' memory sharing day' for their memorial, some stories, some balloons and music, I don't know how it will go I just know I had to do something on the day, personally I don't think I will be able to say much, maybe no one will, but we will share the day with a few family members and some of their really close mates and then I guess we shall prepare to do it all again.