Another crappy day

Fathers day is close, and Christmas not that far off, I am feeling really bummed out today, have had 2 days off work (my usual) and boy have I taken a nose dive, haven't stopped crying really, even in between trying to keep myself busy. Strange how I went through a phase of not wanting to do anything to now having to try to keep busy other wise my mind just wanders.....

I miss my kids so much, I am so over it, I just want to say enough is enough, give them back, reality is I can say it all I like they aren't coming back.

I feel for all the dads out there who have lost their kids, how do you celebrate something that now has no meaning? The boys dad only had them, now he has nothing, I wanted to send him a note to say, thinking of you on fathers day after all he still is a dad (I rang him instead).

There are just some days that , as a grieving parent you really want to feel like the victim, after all how could this happen to me? To us? Its important to know I guess that its ok for us to feel that way, its ok to have those (these) days of depression and intense sadness, after all, they were my baby's and its our new 'normal'.

My daughter is also away with the school on camp, I am missing her, haven't spoken to her since Monday, I was sad to see her go and just hope that she will be safe, I am sure she will be but deep inside I cant help but worry, all the what if's that parents have are a reality for me now.. I am sure she will have had a great time.

Days like this I feel I 'self punish' If I could call it that, I don't care what I eat, don't care to sleep, don't care what I wear, its almost as if a voice inside says your kids aren't so you shouldn't, I think only another parent going through this crap will know what I mean.

Changing of seasons

Well spring is almost here, you can feel the change in the weather each day.. But sadly that reminds that we are about to come into another summer without my boys.. My Mathew loved the summer weather, he loved the beach, body surfing and just being out doors in general, actually well except Bren loved going to the beach, sadly I haven't been to any of the Newcastle beaches since the death of my boys, I just cant bring my self to even go into that part of town really, when I think about it I know that if they were here then Mat would be at the beach every spare moment, I also remember the day at Newcastle police station and identifying them, I fear I may never get over feeling that way about a place I used to love to go to....

Mat would have been finishing high school in a couple of months, Bren would have still been working at woollies and playing on the computer, and loving it... All these 'would haves'
I had a visit the other night from Brendons best mate, they are so much alike, been friends since about the age of 13 or so, their mannerisms and the way they tell stories are so alike, its quite hard sometimes for me to talk to Tim because I see and hear Brendon in him... I miss him so much, my big boy!! I often see Mats mates in the shopping centre, they are all growing up, all driving and making plans for the future, I cant help but be a little envious.....

I seem to have more good days than bad, I think of them always and know they are with me, but gee when the bad days hit they hit, sadness can sometimes weigh so much, it seems to be more of an effort just to move, but for the most part we all seem to be doing ok, a year and a bit on and I can do a bit of shopping, can go out for dinner and even have a bit of a laugh, I can see the progress I have made but I also see how hard the road ahead will be.... I seem to think that with each passing day I can breath a little better....

anyway, not much else to say at this point, just felt sad today, noticing the change of season fast approaching.

Cant Sleep

3:00 am must be the witching hour, for some reason I seem to wake up around 3 most mornings, sometimes I get up other times I just lay there alone with my thought trying to get back to sleep... This morning is one of those mornings where I knew I just would not get back to sleep, they say that when you cant sleep you shouldn't force the issue, you should just get up, read or watch some telly, they say! So here I am, down loading the thoughts in my head, the thoughts that only another mum who has lost a child might have.... The thoughts of sadness, loneliness, emptiness, its as if more often than not your brain seems to want to remind of what has happened, its like a voice in side my head says don't forget, you will never see your boys again, they are gone, why does this happen? It's not like I will ever forget.... What I wouldn't mind being woken up at 2:30 or 3 in the morning for is because I have had a dream about them, or a memory, but the only memories that seem to fill my head are memories of that crap night that changed our lives and us for ever... I would like to stop replaying the accident scene, well my version of it, in my head, their last words, their last thoughts, their last actions..... Perhaps this is the minds way of helping me cope, subtly putting the thoughts into my head so that I can learn to cope with what has happened. Reinforcement!!!

I know it has been 1 year and almost 1 month but it truly still feels like last week to me, the difference now as upossed to then I guess is that I seem now to have more ok days than bad, by an ok day I mean a day that isn't so weighed down with depression that all I want to do is cry and sleep, I used to have those days consecutively, now they seem to be spread apart.... I find that instead of wanting to sleep or lay around I now try to get busy, I try to keep my mind active because it's a very sad, dark, lonely place you can go when you allow your head to take you on that journey.

I was thinking about Christmas already, and how I don't want to have it this year, it seems such a farce to me, all putting on the best face possible, I know we need to for Georgia, but I don't want to do that this year, I will not be having the tradional chrissy breaky or lunch, I couldn't eat last year and I don't want to try this year, I thought we could go away, far away from home and the usual who har of the event, but that wont work, after all its Christmas everywhere and I will still have to take my head with me... So escaping it is not possible, some will say don't think about it yet, but I cant help it, I have always been one of those annoying people who has all shopping done by October, November, that means I would start now... Actually that reminds me of something Brendon or Mat once said "mum can you hold off on the shopping for Christmas till December, you are buying things that we are into or that are cool now and come Christmas we are over it" yes that brings a smile to my face cause they were right, or I would start to buy summer clothes for Brendon as soon as the sales were on and by Christmas they didn't fit him and Mat would get them, of course Mat was such a skinny little runt that he never did grow into most of them........ There now see how writhing helps, I wouldn't have had those memories laying in bed.

I was watching a show yesterday where a young boy had started shaving for the first time, it was quite a disaster, but it got me thinking, Mat never even got that far.... Also one of bren's mates came to visit and said would Mat have been finishing year 12 now, yes I said, and immediately my thoughts were turned to all his friends preparing for their final formal and schoolies week, other events that he will never experience.... I guess I am always going to have those thoughts as I watch all the kids grow up and move on with their lives, just something I have to deal with I guess, sometimes its so hard.

I still can't comprehend the word 'never' never seeing them again, never hearing them again, that finality of it still doesn't seem to ring true to me yet, I guess that's why your mind gets you thinking about it, so you can better cope with the "never' as you go along in whats left of your life...

anyway that's all I can say at this point, maybe now I will be able to get some sleep, but firsly I will do what I imagine some mums in my situation can't do, I will play a couple of files that we have on the computer on the kids web site where Brendon is speaking, he is talking silly stuff but boy its good to hear his voice, for that piece of technology I am truly grateful.