Another Milestone

Well its been a hard couple of days, seems I was doing ok until Wednesday when my Son Mathew's friends told me that they were graduating on Thursday, it had slipped my mind until then, I had been sad about hearing the year 12's prepare for scavenger hunts etc which signify the end of their school career, but gee was I gutted when I knew that yet another major event of my sons' life was to be missed by him... His graduation day, I remember in tear 10 I was working on that presentation day, he said "don't worry mum this one isnst so important, just make sure you can come to the year 12 one" oh if only I had known.

Of course after hearing that Thursday was graduation day I pretty much went down hill from there, my daughter said " oh mum don't cry, there no point in crying" she doesn't like to see me cry cause it makes her cry and she doesn't want to cry, I apologize but then quickly said "no" I won't apologize for grieving for my children. I didn't realize I still had tears left, I thought I had cried all I could but on wed night all I seemed to do was cry, then had to work Thursday all day and ended up with a migraine after it, I felt so gutted, so absolutely sad about missing that day back in year 10, about the fact that now I don't have them.... Even now as I start to climb out of that dark place in my mind, I find it hard to write about.. I miss them so much, I still don't understand how this could happen or why, guess I never will.
The young kids invited me to attend the day but I was glad to be working cause I really don't think I could have gone, I wouldn't be able to sit there and be happy for them I would only be sad for me.

Anyway the weekend is here thank goodness, time to just be quiet, especially time to 'not to have to talk and put on a brave face' just quiet with my thoughts.
I sat in their room this morning at 4 am, just looking at some photos and Mats year book from year 11, still wondering why or how this could have happened... There is hardly a moment of any day when my thoughts aren't consumed with the boys, strange how I can talk about them to others but when I am on my own thinking about them all I seem to do is cry.

Missing them badly.....

Just an entry

Its been 14 months and 1 week since the deaths of my son's, how are we doing some might ask?
Well no change really, some days better than others, some (as my friend describes it) potholes bigger than others. There are some days when I feel that 'I can actually breath today, today I have control' and still there are others as I am sure will always be the way, where I feel so sad, so lost and out of control, I hardly feel like I can continue on.... There is not a day or even moment when the boys are not on my mind, but more often than not now I think about them, and the way they were, there little ways and things they did, rather than the accident scene, the night of the accident and the chaos that engulfed us all.

Home seems to be calmer and I guess that's because I am perhaps a bit calmer, don't get me wrong, I still cry in the morning and cry at night, they are the hardest times of the day, those routines that only a mum can appreciate are the ones I miss the most, but in general I seem to be able to get through a working day ok now, I often steal a moment where I might duck away and just shed a quiet tear. I still only work 3 days a week and that seems to be all my mind can handle at present, I look forward to my 'down time' days, those days I spend in the garden or doing the house work or just watching the telly, what ever I feel like on the day, I don't plan anything I just take it as I feel on the day.

My daughter still struggles of course with the loss of her brothers but also the loss of her mum as she knew her, it seems as I feel like I am improving and taking on life again she feels that I am still ' off balance' as she puts it, I guess she wont understand until she becomes a mum just how the having children can make you and losing them can break you, I will never be the same person I was before July the 14th 2005, actually I don't think any of us will ever be the same, but in time I am sure she will come to see just how hard I try to be the best I can for her.

Its taken at least 12 months before I could care less how my hair looked, how I felt or what I ate, I know that in order to deal with grief I have to be strong and healthy, all the books tell you that, what they don't tell you is how to find the motivation to do just that,how do you look after yourself when the people you were supposed to look after the most are gone? Sometimes I feel guilty if I feel like going to exercise, or if some one says "you look nice today" I know that is survivor guilt and that is something I have to deal with. Slowly but surely I will come around, some things are just not high on my priority list, but I am trying.

Something I have learnt since the loss of my boy's is just how precious life is, how every moment should not be taken for granted or anything or anyone, you just never know, I have said before, the what if's have become a harsh reality for me.