Its a small world

I haven't written on this while in a little while, I guess that could be an indication of how I am progressing, nothing much to write now as each day, each week, each month brings with it the same thoughts and feelings really, some days better than others and certainly more better days than bad..... Over the last couple of weeks we have had a few things to deal with, rather I have, and they are thoughts more than anything, we have had what would have been Mat's Graduation day from Highschool, the start of HSC exams, and soon the Formal and Schoolies, all these special events in my son's life that he will never experience, that I will never get to share with him. I think of his friends almost daily as I know they are fast approaching that very last exam, that final end to their schooling, that right of passage they will all go through 'Schoolies'. I know his friends will be thinking of him and I guess in reality that's all we have left but sometimes that's the hardest thing to believe, that all we have left are thoughts.
anyway following on from my title, I have had a student in a short course that I teach who only in the past couple of days has let me know that she knew Mat, and that she has friends who were very close to him, she emailed me this information along with a picture I already had, when I asked her if she had more, not only was she able to send me photos I didn't have but she also sent me a link to the site of a young female friend of Mat's who wrote a song dedicated to him and his brother..... I was very grateful for the photos and the song was upsetting but all in all it just goes to show how small the world is, if I hadn't had this student in my class then I would never have seen these photos or heard the song, I guess its true what they say, some people cross your path for a reason. This student only stayed on the course for about 1 week and only let me know what she knew after she left so as not to upset me in class... I will always be grateful for the little extra memories she gave us.

I am also feeling a little cross at Bren of late, I think because of the recent P plate accident that took the lives of 4 young boys, when are these kids going to realize they are not invincible? Who knows, I just think I am cross at P plate drivers in general.... I am really missing my kids, I sometimes just sit and think, actually quite often, that I cant believe I will never see them again, and something occurred to me also with the year almost over and their 18th and 21st approaching, they will always be 16 and 19, they will never age in my mind because I just cant imagine them looking or even acting older that 16 and 19.

Pic above; One of the photos the student sent me, Mat would have been in year 7, as cheeky as ever

Confronting

Well I just seemed to crawl out of one pothole of depression only to have fallen into another, last night at my daughters athletics meet the woman, the driver of the car that collided with my son's sat not more than one person away from me, she walked straight past me, I looked at her and my heart went in my throat, I have only seen her once since the accident and it was some time ago, anyway she walked passed me as if I were another face in the crowd, I gasped for breath trying so hard to keep it together for my daughter but to no avail, she said "what's wrong", thought I was cross with her for something, I didn't want to upset her but she asked again because by now the tears just started coming, I told her " That lady next to us was the driver of the other car" she looked at her and her eyes filled with tears, of course I asked her if she wanted to go but she said no mum you go and sit in the car, I didn't want to leave her, instead rang for my partner who was on his way, thank goodness because I could not sit in that same space another minute longer, I just couldn't breath, I went and stood near the car just looking in her direction.

Now don't get me wrong, I know this woman did not kill my children, I know it was not her fault, but there is something very confronting about sitting in the same space as the person who had some impact on that situation, someone who was with them in those last minutes, someone who was where I should have been. My heart was beating out of my chest, I had to go home, and eversince just cant shake the sadness, the pain in my chest has been constant today, some might say I exaggerate but until you have felt such pain, the loss of a child, part of you, then there is no way to know how that feels.

I just kept thinking about her all day today and the boys of course, and I am sure that she thinks about the accident as well after all she is also a mum, her children were also injured, and I am positive that you would never forget the end result of an accident that you were part of, however, sitting there, sharing the same air, the same piece of grass, all I could think was how could she just sit there and not say anything to me... How? But then I think what would she say, what would I say if I were in her shoes, I think I would say something but what, what do you say to the mum of the children who died in an accident you were part of, truth is, really I cant expect her to say anything, sorry wouldn't cut it, and "how are you going" wouldn't either... So tonight I forgive her for not saying anything, and I will try to understand that for her there is nothing to say, no words will ever change what happened that night...

Nothing else to be said really, am just really really sad, and missing my boys so much..