Confronting

Well I just seemed to crawl out of one pothole of depression only to have fallen into another, last night at my daughters athletics meet the woman, the driver of the car that collided with my son's sat not more than one person away from me, she walked straight past me, I looked at her and my heart went in my throat, I have only seen her once since the accident and it was some time ago, anyway she walked passed me as if I were another face in the crowd, I gasped for breath trying so hard to keep it together for my daughter but to no avail, she said "what's wrong", thought I was cross with her for something, I didn't want to upset her but she asked again because by now the tears just started coming, I told her " That lady next to us was the driver of the other car" she looked at her and her eyes filled with tears, of course I asked her if she wanted to go but she said no mum you go and sit in the car, I didn't want to leave her, instead rang for my partner who was on his way, thank goodness because I could not sit in that same space another minute longer, I just couldn't breath, I went and stood near the car just looking in her direction.

Now don't get me wrong, I know this woman did not kill my children, I know it was not her fault, but there is something very confronting about sitting in the same space as the person who had some impact on that situation, someone who was with them in those last minutes, someone who was where I should have been. My heart was beating out of my chest, I had to go home, and eversince just cant shake the sadness, the pain in my chest has been constant today, some might say I exaggerate but until you have felt such pain, the loss of a child, part of you, then there is no way to know how that feels.

I just kept thinking about her all day today and the boys of course, and I am sure that she thinks about the accident as well after all she is also a mum, her children were also injured, and I am positive that you would never forget the end result of an accident that you were part of, however, sitting there, sharing the same air, the same piece of grass, all I could think was how could she just sit there and not say anything to me... How? But then I think what would she say, what would I say if I were in her shoes, I think I would say something but what, what do you say to the mum of the children who died in an accident you were part of, truth is, really I cant expect her to say anything, sorry wouldn't cut it, and "how are you going" wouldn't either... So tonight I forgive her for not saying anything, and I will try to understand that for her there is nothing to say, no words will ever change what happened that night...

Nothing else to be said really, am just really really sad, and missing my boys so much..