Another Christmas looms

Its December already, almost 17 months since the boys accident, its difficult for me to believe so much time as gone by. The other day at work I was cross with someone for some silly reason. In my mind I said give me a break I have just buried my children, and that's the thing, to me it just happened but to some it happened long enough that they think I should be fine.... I often have people say at work "your in good spirits today" "you seem to be better now". If only they knew just how easily I crumble when I finish work, when that facade is lifted... Trouble is my partner (soon to be husband) and daughter know only too well how quick I can crumble, the slightest thing can set me off, most days I wish I didn't have to work, then at the end of the day I am pleased that I got through it and I know I can get through another....... So my point is, you may ask, its Sunday arvo and I do not want to go to work, but that will pass and at 8:15 am I know I will be out the door to start another day.

I am struggling at present to come to terms with our second Christmas without the boy's, I was writhing on gift tags today for others and writhing the boys names and all of a sudden my mind started to wander again, how will we cope without them, I have spent 19 years with Bren and 16 years with Mat, every year celebrating Christmas with them, its very hard to imagine another one without them..... We are about to celebrate a wedding as well, I so wish they were here to celebrate with us, I know they would have been pleased, Mat would have been really stoked as he and Todd got on so well... I know it will be a hard day, emotionally draining, but then we go away and that I am looking forward to.

I am thinking that Christmas day might be easier, I have planned ahead, changed what we normally do to something new, which I hope will be the beginning of our new normal Christmas.... I have been busy buying presents to take to the hospital, books I know Brendon would have enjoyed when he was younger and a game that I know Mat would have liked, its all small stuff really, nothing compared to having them here but a small thing that I can do.