18 months

Well we got through another Christmas and new year and a wedding, I'm not sure how perhaps the planning helped, what ever the reason we survived it, well I barely did. I think the 2nd one was harder than the first if that's at all possible, I still cannot imagine my life, the rest of my life without them. Its ok coping with the loss and work, but coping with the loss and living is a different thing all together. I feel that I am carrying such a weight with me all day every day, I miss my boys voices, their smiles, everything about them, and in actual fact I miss them more every day.

I am no where near being able to love life or enjoy life again, I ask myself often how as the mum could you begin to live life again knowing that you kids aren't....... Today is a bad day, actually the week has been pretty tough, seem to have hit a wall of depression again, It started last week and was topped off by seeming Bren's best mates, Tim, Kristian and Mitch together at the shopping centre, all three of them walking together, all in black t-shirts heading off to buy lunch, I hugged them all and made small talk, but felt physically ill after they left, what a reality check, knowing that Brendon would have been with them if only...... There was nothing I could do but cry, I cant look at them and think of good thoughts or passed memories yet I just see them and think about what I have lost, My children, sometimes, most times the pain is more than I can bare, when I try to think about them and their faces are in my head I feel sick, I feel sick at the fact that I will never see them again, I cannot believe my sons are dead.

Its a strange mask we have to put on everyday for the public, sometimes I wish I was see through so people would see that I am not ok, that my heart has been crushed and that I am struggling, in reality people don't want to see that I guess, no one wants to hear the sadness in my voice or look at my sad face.
I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, well I am, and its ok, sometimes I just need to feel sorry for me...

Brendon's 21st is fast approaching and I am sure that has something to do with my mood, after all how do you deal with such a milestone knowing they wont be there????? Foolishly I have made a couple of attempts to buy something special to put on his grave for turning 21, it only causes me great stress and upset in the end so I usually abandon the search, I ask him every night before I go to bed, mate please come to me, tell me what I should do, how should I cope with the day, maybe I will get a sign soon...... I guess that another entry