20 Months

This month is a significant month, not only does it mark the 20 month mark since I lost my boys but it is also the month of my son's 21st.

I feel like I must be in some kind of time warp, the calendar says 20 months but my heart still thinks it was yesterday, the accident. I had a colleague ask me out for coffee this week, of course I graciously accepted and said I will aim for it knowing full well that I would not go, besides this particular person made a comment to me that made me reflect on just how hard it is to accept 20 months.



She mentioned all the usual things people say, you are looking well, you are coping great, you are so strong, bla bla bla, then when I said I don't really do much other than work her reply was " oh come on shell its been almost 2 years" almost 2 years!! you know they were the only words I could hear after that statement, almost 2 years, I wanted to say it might be almost 2 years to you but to me its yesterday.... Why don't people realise that for apparent in this situation, the length of time is irrelevant, its almost like our thoughts, feelings and emotions have been frozen in time, and will only reflect the day that we lost our child, or in my case children.... I wasn't so much cross at her lack of understanding as I was saddened by the fact that it has been almost 2 years since I heard their voices, or saw their faces... I miss telling Brendon to get off the computer, or telling Mat to clean his room, I miss saying their names, sometimes I just say them out loud so I can hear them.....


It has also been said to me when I have a 'bad' day, are you sure there is nothing else that is making you sadder, why say that, what else in this lifetime could make me sadder than loosing my children, yeh, sure there are things that might trigger a bad day, but there is nothing that will make me sadder, I want to say "no I am just as sad today as I was on the 14th of July 2005.. "
I get quite angry at my self often when I think about how I or any other parent in my situation have to participate in this 'continuation of NORMAL life' I hate the fact that I have to go on like nothing has happened, trouble is your damned if you do and damned if you don't, if I came crashing down and let my feelings show everyday it makes others uncomfortable, and if I continue on as if I am fine it makes me feel uncomfortable.


I had 2 visitors this week, one each of the boys best mates, they both came on the 14th, now I know that people are probably over the 14th, but its so important to me to know that others think about them on that significant day, I need to know that I am not the only one remembering that day, I need to know that they are not forgotten, and that someone else knows I am 'having a bad day' on that day... I am so thankful for the visits, or the text that their friends often send on that day, they will probably never know how much...


I have decided to take some days off work in preparation for my sons impending 21st, I don't want to carry on as 'NORMAL' well everyone Else's normal, on the day or days following, I want to spend the time for me, letting my emotions do what ever they want, maybe I will be ok! maybe I wont, either way it will be a time for me and my heart not work and everyone else.

Its really hard knowing its such an important birthday and that he is not here, all those photos and memories that you say "gee we will keep that for the 21st party" what do I do with them know? Just have to reflect on them myself I guess, actually its hard to remember a lot without seeing a photo or something to trigger the memory because my mind is still so vividly remembering the night I lost them, its almost like for some reason I still have to keep playing it over and over i my head, almost like being conditioned to accepting I guess....


I have spent quite a few weeks trying to write something to put in the paper for his birthday, after all I feel I have to do something, finally I finished it and submitted it to the paper only to be disappointed by the fact that it would have cost too much to have it all in, the lady was trying to be quite helpful, suggesting what words and pictures I could take out, why couldn't she realise what she was asking me to do, 'cut out' bits of his short life, I wanted everyone to know every special event that I had written while he was growing up, but in the end I have a short piece going in, and you know what their dad said something to me that, sad as it is, its true, he said, " don't worry, I know you want to tell everyone just how special he was and what he had done in his life, but there will be other times, besides the important people in his life already know" and that's just it isn't it, it doesn't matter what I write, what matters is that I know, and that I have things documented so I can remember and reflect on what a great boy he was, is... This is what I wrote for the paper

Brendon Gilson 21/3/89 – 14/7/05
‘21 today’

How do we celebrate your coming of age when you are no longer with us? Although the sadness of the loss weighs heavy in our hearts perhaps we should give thanks for having the honour and pleasure of you in our lives.

Remembering the day you were born, 9:35 am on a Friday Morning, March the 21st 1986, a healthy baby boy, 7lbs 1/1/2 ounces and 191/4 inches long, blue eyes and little hair, that distinctive Gilson hair line, you looked like Pop.
I remember your first big trip out it was to the Blackbutt Reserve with the Newcastle Street Machine Club, a car rally of all things; it was on the 25th of May 1986. Perhaps that was the start of your love for cars.

Thinking back to when you started to become active, at 61/2 months you started to crawl like a worm, at 9 months you stood up on your own, and it wasn’t long before you were walking, 10 ½ months of age to be exact.

You had your first tooth at 6 months and you were talking by the time you turned 7 months old. Of course your first word was Dad, but that was ok, my baby was talking. I remember your favourite toy at the time, a huge stuffed ‘Big Dog’ doll It wasn’t long before you realised that big dog went to bed far to early.

I think back to taking you to your first swimming lesson at Greenhill’s, you were 3 and hated every minute of it, come to think if it you never enjoyed the water.
You started pre-school in 1990, never really too fussed on it, too many people, it wasn’t long before we had to find you an individual sitter, Heather. Heather and her family loved you and you enjoyed the one-on-one care.

Then came school, our little boy was growing up, you started on the 31st of January 1991, I cried, like all mums, although we were proud of you, we were sad to see you growing up so fast. At 8 you started soccer, that didn’t last too long, too energetic I think, not your cup of tea.

So now we skip ahead to the teenage part of your life, you were so caring and understanding at the age of 13, always looking out for your sister and complaining about Mat annoying you. As you got alder you became very stubborn in opinion and attitude, you developed your own beliefs and thoughts on topics of the day. You were a very clever young man, if Georgia or Mat ever asked how something worked I would say ask Brendon.

As you became a young man, we clashed on many things you and I, with a silent understanding though of the love shared by a mother and son.
Like two peas in a pod you and dad, same ideals, same hobbies and interests, even similar mannerisms and the same to approach to life.

As I write this “Life memory” for you Brendon I realise we have much to be thankful for, we raised a beautiful young man, with a strong will and desire to do as he wished, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

How lucky we were to create you, how lucky we were to raise and how very lucky we were to know you. We miss you mate as do all those who were close to you.

“THINKING OF YOU TODAY”