Mathews Birthday (23 months)

23 Months since the loss of my boys, we seem to be plodding along ok, I am managing work now, and realise if I am to survive this night mare at all I must work, its the one thing that keeps my heart from taking over during a general day, if that was to happen, then I would do as I imagine all mums in my situations, I would just stay in bed, its quiet, its warm, and you don't have to talk to anyone, you can just think... My daughter seems (as we do) to be doing ok, school and sport are her saviours, my husband, well as with us he too seems to be doing ok, I guess they both see me 'DOING' so they think things are ok, if only they could see my heart....

Friends all seem to be settled back into normal life, some I have lost, some I have gained and others that were lost due to busy lifestyles have returned, you learn lots about the people around you when such a tragedy has occurred... I have learnt lots about my self, one thing is that I didn't realise I was so resilient, I didn't know I had the strength inside that I have to call on many times to get me through a day, and whats more I didn't know it would be possible to continue on without my children, in the early days I never thought it possible, but I see now it is, its just harder some days than others.. This week has been particularly hard for me, again one of my boys would have celebrated a special milestone in his life, his 18th, sadly we will never know what he would of looked like as a man, I will never know if he would have had a hairy chest (although unlikely) I wonder if he would have cut his hair and gone back to his natural colour, I wonder what kind of job he would have had now since he hadn't yet decided on what he wanted to do when he left school... These questions will plague me for the rest of my days, to me he will always be a young boy, scrawny and very cheeky..

I have written a time line to him so that people may get to know him a little better, I know Georgia in years to come will appreciate the memories.

Mathew....
The lead up to your birth for us, as with any parents was full of excitement, waiting for you to come into the world, wondering what you would be like.. however it seemed that you could not wait, and whilst away on a holiday at Nambucca Heads you decided to start proceedings, you let us know you were on your way.. A quick dash to Macksville hospital confirmed our fears, you were on your way and early, we were told to stay in Macksville hospital as you were expected to be born that day, while your dad made calls to everyone who needed to know, friends and family sent flowers and I settled in for the impending birth…BUT you decided it was not to be and the hospital staff said we could go home, after we called everyone to say “sorry we are on the way, will be in Maitland hospital tonight” we headed off, your dad, your big brother Brendon and me (mum) it was the quickest trip we have ever had to Maitland as you dad was worried you might be born in the car.

We arrived at Maitland hospital where we were told that you had settled and changed your mind and we would have to just wait as you were doing fine and so was I, 2 weeks later, (yes I had to spend 2 weeks waiting for you to decide when you wanted to come into the world) you were born, Friday morning 2nd June 1989 at 10:16 am, you were a couple of weeks early but a good weight, 6lbs 13oz and 191/2 inches long, dark hair and blue eyes.

At 7 weeks you held your head up by yourself, at 6 months you were able to sit up alone and by 6 months you had also mastered the art of crawling around like a worm. I remember when you were 71/2 months and your first tooth appeared, finally a reason for the grumpy little man you had become, you were walking at 7 months, look out trouble was on the horizon!!!

Like your brother you first words were dad, Nan and Mum
As a baby you were a real pain in the bum, never slept properly, a fussy eater and hated being around people you didn’t know.
As you grew older your true character emerged; I remember how you loved to dress up, play jokes on people and pull faces, what ever it took to make us laugh.

You always seemed to have a girlfriend from pre-school on and you were never
short of friends to play with, you became a very social young man; I was always pleased that you had a such a huge circle of friends and always had time for everyone.
You were a real individual and strived to set yourself apart from the rest often. Always the leader, it was n o t u unusual for yo u to set the trend of what to wear to school whether it be Bob the builder socks or Spider man singlets, and even in your last week of life bringing yoyo’s back in amongst your crowd. We shall all treasure those silly little things, whenever I see one it brings a tear to my eye, especially knowing that the orange one we found in the car that you were holding on to at the time of the accident, was the last thing your gentle hands touched..

As grew up you developed a passion for all things outside, especially skateboarding and Body boarding, it was not unusual to see you with a wet suit tan, brown hands, brown ankles and feet and brown from the neck up.

I remember being quite upset when you went through the body piercing phase (only ears thank goodness) then dying your hair Black, growing it long and going through the all black clothing phase, through it all we were never really surprised, after all it was you being you.

Once you were a teenager a new side of Mat began to emerge, a softer, more caring and understanding side, who when friends were down or needed your help were always there, many of friends have shared with me stories about how you always had time to listen.
I recall you saying to me one day not long before the accident that you thought
kids were cool especially babies and that you couldn’t wait to have one, sadly we will never know what you would have been like as a dad with your own babies, just know this you will always be our baby, my baby, that beautiful little boy that I nurtured inside me, that little baby that I said jokingly had been sent from hell to destroy me (oh what a terror you could be) that beaut boy who we raised to be respectful and thoughtful to others, my young man, always my middle baby!!!! I miss you, we all miss you XXXXXXX