2 Years
On the 14Th of this month, only 1 short day away it will be the two year anniversary of the loss of our boys, I find it hard to comprehend that is has been that time frame, especially since, to me and my internal calendar it just feels like last week, that our lives were forever changed.
As with the last entry we seem to be going OK, I have started to get out and function a bit better with My husband and Daughter, and work well work is doable, no passion for it yet but it is certainly doable. I have found this week to be very hard, I elected to continue working rather than take time off, bad move, tear have just been below the surface every day, and I have been so bothered by noise and busy people, I have been quite agitated.. Have found it difficult to eat properly and have even felt physically since the 1st of July, just an upset tummy, knowing that day was closer.
I have said before the build up to the day is worse than the day and that is especially the case this time around, next year I will be sure to take this time of the year off work so I can have time with Georgia and time for me. One of my jobs has been on holidays and that has been great, I actually don't want to go back, I will but it would be nice to stay home.
This week I have made a start in getting a support group together for other grieving parents, my self and my mentor on this journey have both been corresponding with other mum's in our situation and as a result realise there is no real support out there for people like us, so with that in mind, I have created H.O.P.E helping other parents cope, after the loss of a child, sadly we have about 6 for the group already and we shall wait to see what response we get from the local paper story to determine when t will start and where.
It helps to help others, I know for me to see my mentor 7 years down the track from losing her son, gives me HOPE that I too will be able to live again, fully, beyond simply existing for others.
There are some days when I cant imagine getting through another day,month or even a year without the boys, but I know I will, I have to for Georgia and Todd's sake. Each day now brings with it a different degree of sadness, a different level of strength needed, I find now that I am nest to keep busy, I still do not being on my own, its not a good place to be, and if I am I must have things to do. I am still emotionally eating, although not as bad, still don't like the crowds, and happy faces around me but am learning to cope with that.
I don't imagine many more entries from here on in, as I guess every special day , date or event now will be the same, just easier, still sad, but the degree will change..
Perhaps I will get into my book now, I have been writing it for the whole time so maybe that's my next project, that and the support group HOPE..
We have adjusted now, as best we can, to not having the boys around, not hearing Bren's car or Mat's cheeky wit, I still wont sit at the dinner table and find family things hard to do knowing 1/2 of our family is gone, but we seem to be doing OK, and at the moment that's the best we can aim for, still one day at a time.
For me how do I feel as the Mum, not Michelle the worker, the doer, the motivator, as the mum....Shattered, heart broken, and only a shell of my former self, on the inside, tears every day for my beautiful boys and on occasion still wondering why I have been put on this path. As for my emotional self, all seems to be under control now, I can keep the tears at bay, still having difficulty in establishing relationships with my family and friends but I guess that will improve with time...I guess other mums new to this situation can look at me now as I have with my support friend and see that it does get easier, the potholes don't seem so close together or as deep.
As with the last entry we seem to be going OK, I have started to get out and function a bit better with My husband and Daughter, and work well work is doable, no passion for it yet but it is certainly doable. I have found this week to be very hard, I elected to continue working rather than take time off, bad move, tear have just been below the surface every day, and I have been so bothered by noise and busy people, I have been quite agitated.. Have found it difficult to eat properly and have even felt physically since the 1st of July, just an upset tummy, knowing that day was closer.
I have said before the build up to the day is worse than the day and that is especially the case this time around, next year I will be sure to take this time of the year off work so I can have time with Georgia and time for me. One of my jobs has been on holidays and that has been great, I actually don't want to go back, I will but it would be nice to stay home.
This week I have made a start in getting a support group together for other grieving parents, my self and my mentor on this journey have both been corresponding with other mum's in our situation and as a result realise there is no real support out there for people like us, so with that in mind, I have created H.O.P.E helping other parents cope, after the loss of a child, sadly we have about 6 for the group already and we shall wait to see what response we get from the local paper story to determine when t will start and where.
It helps to help others, I know for me to see my mentor 7 years down the track from losing her son, gives me HOPE that I too will be able to live again, fully, beyond simply existing for others.
There are some days when I cant imagine getting through another day,month or even a year without the boys, but I know I will, I have to for Georgia and Todd's sake. Each day now brings with it a different degree of sadness, a different level of strength needed, I find now that I am nest to keep busy, I still do not being on my own, its not a good place to be, and if I am I must have things to do. I am still emotionally eating, although not as bad, still don't like the crowds, and happy faces around me but am learning to cope with that.
I don't imagine many more entries from here on in, as I guess every special day , date or event now will be the same, just easier, still sad, but the degree will change..
Perhaps I will get into my book now, I have been writing it for the whole time so maybe that's my next project, that and the support group HOPE..
We have adjusted now, as best we can, to not having the boys around, not hearing Bren's car or Mat's cheeky wit, I still wont sit at the dinner table and find family things hard to do knowing 1/2 of our family is gone, but we seem to be doing OK, and at the moment that's the best we can aim for, still one day at a time.
For me how do I feel as the Mum, not Michelle the worker, the doer, the motivator, as the mum....Shattered, heart broken, and only a shell of my former self, on the inside, tears every day for my beautiful boys and on occasion still wondering why I have been put on this path. As for my emotional self, all seems to be under control now, I can keep the tears at bay, still having difficulty in establishing relationships with my family and friends but I guess that will improve with time...I guess other mums new to this situation can look at me now as I have with my support friend and see that it does get easier, the potholes don't seem so close together or as deep.
posted by Michelle @ 4:10 AM
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