Two Years and four months
I haven't written on here in a while, not because I don't have anything to write more because I seem to be so busy,of course some would say that's good "its good she keeps busy, its the best thing to do" well something I have come to realise is that 'busy' is not always good. I have come to a point in my grieving where I no longer need or want to be busy, I want to be quiet, those who know me prior to the 14The of July 2005 would be shocked to hear that I would want to be quiet and still, but I do, I often feel that I am giving so much of my self to work that I have nothing to give to anyone else that matters, me included. Having said that I can also see that I have made more progress in my healing because for the first 18 months or so I didn't care to do anything for me, I didn't feel I deserved it after all how could I , as the mum you always put the kids first, I have never had something or done something that my kids couldn't also experience, so it was hard to 'do for me' now I feel that I need to do just that or I shall go insane, explode maybe, who knows.
I have started to cut down on some of my work, working 3 jobs with a mushy brain is very draining physically and mentally so its time to stop, I have left one job for now and cut back on another, and in January I will be having a lot of me time and I realise now how important that is.
People will find it hard to understand that after 2 years and 4 months now I need to be still, but perhaps if I hadn't returned to work so quickly maybe I wouldn't be feeling so stressed at the moment, but so be it, this is how I feel and I am acting on it.
I had an opportunity to go away for 2 nights a couple of weeks ago, I sat still, read books and ate when I felt like it I cried lots and felt sorry and sad for me and I needed to do that, I had to get away not from Todd and Georgia but away from the routine of preparing for work and doing for others, just needed some time out, following that short break I felt quite rested, actually no tears on Monday on the way to work,usually I am crying because I don't want to go, such a baby I've become.
This has been a tough week, its the build up to Georgia 13Th birthday, she will be a teenager finally, a big milestone in her life and another milestone for me without the boys, they would have been so proud to see her grow up, sadly they wont be here in person to celebrate but she has chosen to have a family dinner and included amongst that family will be the boys closest mates, its nice that she has bonded with them in such a way and its even nicer that they still support and love her.
Another sad event this week was the death of the boys grandfather, I was so sad on many levels, sad for Neal (the boys dad) sad for his mum and family, sad for the boys, they would have been shattered as they were such a close family sad for me as they were such a big part of my life for a long time and I was even jealous, jealous to think that someone Else will get to see the boys before me, only for moment I wished it was me, but I know that they are now being looked after by their great pop, their pop and their great uncle all from the Gilson side.
The funeral was hard to attend, I haven't seen the family other than their dad since the boys funeral, just going to it was hard, I almost thougt I wouldn't be able to go in the door, but like most things these days it was do-able, just took a little more strength than usual.
Other than that, how am I going, well it seems as each day passes I miss my boys more and more,and sometimes that sence of permanency seems so overwhelming I find it hard to breath, but also with each day I feel I get a little stronger, my support group is going well with over 30 members registered and my support of road safety programs seems to be taking a new path. Mind you they are the only two things other than Todd and Georgia that seem to give me purpose, all other work seems pointless to me and simply a means to end, however I shall plodd along as I guess someday the passion will come back, or maybe I will take a new road in terms of career, who knows for now still just getting through one day at a time is the best I can manage, lucky for me I have many patient people around me.
I have started to cut down on some of my work, working 3 jobs with a mushy brain is very draining physically and mentally so its time to stop, I have left one job for now and cut back on another, and in January I will be having a lot of me time and I realise now how important that is.
People will find it hard to understand that after 2 years and 4 months now I need to be still, but perhaps if I hadn't returned to work so quickly maybe I wouldn't be feeling so stressed at the moment, but so be it, this is how I feel and I am acting on it.
I had an opportunity to go away for 2 nights a couple of weeks ago, I sat still, read books and ate when I felt like it I cried lots and felt sorry and sad for me and I needed to do that, I had to get away not from Todd and Georgia but away from the routine of preparing for work and doing for others, just needed some time out, following that short break I felt quite rested, actually no tears on Monday on the way to work,usually I am crying because I don't want to go, such a baby I've become.
This has been a tough week, its the build up to Georgia 13Th birthday, she will be a teenager finally, a big milestone in her life and another milestone for me without the boys, they would have been so proud to see her grow up, sadly they wont be here in person to celebrate but she has chosen to have a family dinner and included amongst that family will be the boys closest mates, its nice that she has bonded with them in such a way and its even nicer that they still support and love her.
Another sad event this week was the death of the boys grandfather, I was so sad on many levels, sad for Neal (the boys dad) sad for his mum and family, sad for the boys, they would have been shattered as they were such a close family sad for me as they were such a big part of my life for a long time and I was even jealous, jealous to think that someone Else will get to see the boys before me, only for moment I wished it was me, but I know that they are now being looked after by their great pop, their pop and their great uncle all from the Gilson side.
The funeral was hard to attend, I haven't seen the family other than their dad since the boys funeral, just going to it was hard, I almost thougt I wouldn't be able to go in the door, but like most things these days it was do-able, just took a little more strength than usual.
Other than that, how am I going, well it seems as each day passes I miss my boys more and more,and sometimes that sence of permanency seems so overwhelming I find it hard to breath, but also with each day I feel I get a little stronger, my support group is going well with over 30 members registered and my support of road safety programs seems to be taking a new path. Mind you they are the only two things other than Todd and Georgia that seem to give me purpose, all other work seems pointless to me and simply a means to end, however I shall plodd along as I guess someday the passion will come back, or maybe I will take a new road in terms of career, who knows for now still just getting through one day at a time is the best I can manage, lucky for me I have many patient people around me.
posted by Michelle @ 6:07 AM
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