3RD christmas
Well my (our) 3rd Christmas without Brendon and Mat is almost here,it can't come and go quick enough for me. I suppose I should be greatful that I have Georgia and Todd, and for that I am but still it does not outway the imense loss I feel for my boys, with every 'special' event that comes I just seem to be less greatful for what I have and miss them even more, I imagine though that over time I will be grateful (perhaps thats not the right word) appreciative of what I have and the missing them may lessen, I dont know, who knows, I see people in my group that I know on the outside look strong and sound strong when they talk about Christmas but I know that deep down they feel the pain and that almighty emptiness that you have when you have lost a child, I guess if I can end up with half their strength I will be doing ok.
We have only just put up the tree, I hold off as long as Georgia will allow, I have to remember that she is still only young and Christmas although sad for her is still exciting in a sense. She wants to have a lunch or something on Christmas day but I am just not ready for that, maybe next year.
I organised a week ago a very special and important event, a candle lighting to honor those children that we have lost, it was everything I had hoped it would be, for me, for one of the rare moments on this journey I did not feel alone, over 50 other people were there for the very same reason, we hugged and cried and smiled together, it was good to see that family and freinds of others had come to honor the kids as well, it was one of the most special moments I have had yet in memory of my boys.
We, that is, Todd, Georgia and I are looking forward to going away for a weeks break, I personally am looking forward to leaving work behind, and spending some quiet time thinking about my boys, breathing in the fresh air and just having time together.
I can see that I am starting to function outside of the house and work a little better, I went to my work's Christmas function, out for end of year dinner with my TAFE students and then out for another work function, I dont seem to feel as bad afterwards now, but I do have to make a truly conscious effort not to think about where the boys are and the fact that I should not be 'out' its quite draining but despite what my heart says my head says I need to do it.
I still struggle with the way people struggle to cope with my loss, I guess eventually I will care less about what others think and more about what I think and feel, after all I am the one who has lost the children and this is an event that changes one for ever inside and out, no reason why others should change I guess.
Something positive for me is the work I am doing with my support group, although my mentor on this journey will be leaving for the States soon, and I will miss her terribly, I will have the HOPE group to work on, we have 40+ members now and its so good to see that many who were once alone have now made friends with people they can talk to who understand.
I am also doing some work with road safety programes, for me this is the most important thing I must do, as I cannot, or will not accept that my boys lives have been taken for nothing, there has to be something to come from such a tragedy and getting young drivers to slow down is something that I am passionate about, if I can help to save one family, one mum from going through this unimaginable loss then I have done something worth while.... also for me its part of the healing process I think. talking about the accident and the boys to groups is usually the only time I get to talk about it or them because for most people around me its a subject they avoid. Actually I rarely hear their names mentioned anymore and this is very hard to take, sometimes I just want to yell out to them, and I do, just so I can hear their names from my mouth.
I wonder often what kind of person I am to become from this, I know I will never be the same person, I seem to be less tollerant with people these days especially those who dont stop for a moment and think about my (our) feelings,I am easily annoyed with myself for expecting too much from some, I get cross when some of the people closest too me dont send me a message on the 14th, I expect that everyone should know my heart is broken and especially in pain on that day.... I wonder if I will always care if others are thinking of my boys, perhaps it will be enough eventually for me to know that I am thinking of them, I am missing them and I love them ???
We have only just put up the tree, I hold off as long as Georgia will allow, I have to remember that she is still only young and Christmas although sad for her is still exciting in a sense. She wants to have a lunch or something on Christmas day but I am just not ready for that, maybe next year.
I organised a week ago a very special and important event, a candle lighting to honor those children that we have lost, it was everything I had hoped it would be, for me, for one of the rare moments on this journey I did not feel alone, over 50 other people were there for the very same reason, we hugged and cried and smiled together, it was good to see that family and freinds of others had come to honor the kids as well, it was one of the most special moments I have had yet in memory of my boys.
We, that is, Todd, Georgia and I are looking forward to going away for a weeks break, I personally am looking forward to leaving work behind, and spending some quiet time thinking about my boys, breathing in the fresh air and just having time together.
I can see that I am starting to function outside of the house and work a little better, I went to my work's Christmas function, out for end of year dinner with my TAFE students and then out for another work function, I dont seem to feel as bad afterwards now, but I do have to make a truly conscious effort not to think about where the boys are and the fact that I should not be 'out' its quite draining but despite what my heart says my head says I need to do it.
I still struggle with the way people struggle to cope with my loss, I guess eventually I will care less about what others think and more about what I think and feel, after all I am the one who has lost the children and this is an event that changes one for ever inside and out, no reason why others should change I guess.
Something positive for me is the work I am doing with my support group, although my mentor on this journey will be leaving for the States soon, and I will miss her terribly, I will have the HOPE group to work on, we have 40+ members now and its so good to see that many who were once alone have now made friends with people they can talk to who understand.
I am also doing some work with road safety programes, for me this is the most important thing I must do, as I cannot, or will not accept that my boys lives have been taken for nothing, there has to be something to come from such a tragedy and getting young drivers to slow down is something that I am passionate about, if I can help to save one family, one mum from going through this unimaginable loss then I have done something worth while.... also for me its part of the healing process I think. talking about the accident and the boys to groups is usually the only time I get to talk about it or them because for most people around me its a subject they avoid. Actually I rarely hear their names mentioned anymore and this is very hard to take, sometimes I just want to yell out to them, and I do, just so I can hear their names from my mouth.
I wonder often what kind of person I am to become from this, I know I will never be the same person, I seem to be less tollerant with people these days especially those who dont stop for a moment and think about my (our) feelings,I am easily annoyed with myself for expecting too much from some, I get cross when some of the people closest too me dont send me a message on the 14th, I expect that everyone should know my heart is broken and especially in pain on that day.... I wonder if I will always care if others are thinking of my boys, perhaps it will be enough eventually for me to know that I am thinking of them, I am missing them and I love them ???
posted by Michelle @ 2:27 AM
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