33 months since my life, our lives changed forever

It has come to my attention that I haven't written on here for some months and perhaps people are checking in on me to see how we are all doing, it is for this reason I post this blog entry.

My last post makes mention of the support group I along with my mentor on this journey, Vera, started, well H.O.P.E has been going since August 2007, the first night saw 30 people attend, since then H.O.P.E Maitland has grown to a membership of 60 members, HOPE has also become a registered Association now known as H.O.P.E Support Group Inc. A second branch of H.O.P.E started in Cessnock in March, it has started off slower than Maitland, but sadly I am sure will grow as I know there are many parents out there travelling the same sad road. A third branch of H.O.P.E will start in Newcastle in June. H.O.P.E has an online presence with its own Myspace, www.myspace.com/hopegroup as well as an overseas presence with Vera no residing in the states. Vera has started H.O.P.E on line over there and continues to build a network of parents seeking other parents for support. We have one official corporate sponsor with another 3 being the goal for 2010. Hope is now a recognised support group and starting to become well known in the local community.

My work with road safety is also progressing along well, I am now an official ambassador for the RTA's Centre For Road Safety and as such support there efforts in getting out the road safety message to all drivers in particular our young drivers. I also work closely with two local community members, a member of the NSW Ambulance and local police Sargent, together we have put together a road safety package that has had a pilot program introduced into one local high school so far, we have recently applied for a govt grant to seek funding to roll this program out to other schools and the wider community.

I guess this has me quite busy now, I still do my other 'paid' work as unfortunately we must pay the bills, however out of this tragedy I have manged to find two causes that have given me passion and a sense of purpose again, if only a small amount so far it is a big step and very rewarding.

I am writing a book that will be a guide for parents in particular mum's on this journey and hope to have that ready to coincide with the first year of H.O.P.E.

As for me, how am I doing as a mum who has buried two of her children?? well, these are the things I still struggle with, 2 1/2 years on:

* I still do not go out as such but can go out with my husband and daughter and have attended a couple of work functions. Can go out for coffee etc with H.O.P.E ladies
* I still do not like crowds and noise and I just put that down to nerves, they are certainly not what they used to be.
* I don't care to do much for myself but have started to exercise and try to eat well again as I know I must do this for my own health and well being. Have even started to listen to music in the car again
* I don't find much passion at work and quite often cannot be bothered with other people's daily 'crap' for want of a better word, however I realise that the world of crap will continue to spin and I must realise that everyone issues are their own and are important to them , its also important that I focus on others from time to time as well
* People still disappoint me, in particular those closest to me who think, I guess, that since 2 1/2 years have gone by I must be doing fine and no longer need to be checked on. I am however trying to NOT expect too much of anyone that way I wont be disappointed I am also aware it must be hard for them as well.
* The boys birthdays get harder as we go on and the hole I seem to slip into in the week leading up to and the weeks after are getting harder to climb out of, Bren would now be 22 and Mat soon to be 19
* I seem to be coping OK at home but especially love it when I am not expected to do anything, after all I seem to give everything I have to work which does not leave much in the tank for home, I am working on that
* I seem to have more good days than bad but still suffer from survivor guilt each time I feel 'good'.

All in all I think I am doing OK, I know I wouldn't be doing so well if I hadn't met all the other parents in my group, those who suffer the same pain as I and who know only too well what a struggle some days can be.

I can see this journey is do-able as I say and I know that others will draw strength from knowing how I am doing. My suggestions to anyone on this road, listen to your heart, do what you think you need to do to get through the day and look after you and your heart. Find a new passion, its hard but try to find some purpose to focus on, whether its reaching out to another in this situation or volunteering for a charity anything that you feel may give you purpose because that's one of the hardest things I found to cope with, no sense of purpose, I know my kids would want me to get on with life and for them I try.

Should anyone wish to see whats going on with H.O.P.E you can access it on www.myspace.com/hopegroup

Power and strength to those travelling this unimaginable journey.....