Up Date

Again its been ages since I last wrote on here, that's not to say the journey has ended, rather the journey has gotten easier I guess and the need to write is less.

I am pretty busy with my two passions, Road Safety and H.O.P.E this keeps me focused I guess on issues for the living, even when sometimes (and not often anymore) I find it hard to be living without my boys. The concept of never seeing them ever again is one that I struggle with most, today its been 39 months since I spoke to them, heard there voices or even stood in front of them, I really don't have the words to describe the 'missing' of them I feel, if you know what I mean.

We are all continuing on with our 'new normal' as it were, its just as Vera told me in the early days, it gets easier and becomes more 'doable' but still the heavy weight of sad is there every day.

I still get cross with people in general because life goes on, and often wonder how those close to me can continue to 'enjoy' things, when I feel like I will never truly enjoy, I have however started to 'like' to do things, if that makes sense, I just still have a blocker in side me that wont allow me to fully enjoy while my kids are not, but I know that passes, I see it in others.

I have recently changed one of my jobs and am really 'liking' the change and the challenge of the work, its all part of a greater plan though. You see 3 years on and I am still not passionate about my day job, as a matter of fact it annoys me that I am in an environment where people seem to be stressed over the (what seems to me) most UN important stuff, for this reason reason I have decided I need to be working for my self, I need to be in control of my work days so that when I have a sad day and want to just sit quiet I can.

So my plan is to be working for my self as a personal trainer by mid 2009 and working for my day job as a contractor..... the good thing about this is that I am making plans, where once I couldn't look beyond tomorrow let alone next week, now I can look into the future if only a few months down the track, I guess that's a sign of my recovery, my starting to live life again and that has to be a good thing.

I still have a long way to go especially in terms of my emotional self, I still don't like to do a lot of things and still suffer from 'mushy brain' but am getting there.

For my husband and daughter, well all looks fine for them, they seem to have moved on well and although this annoys me at times I wouldn't want them to do anything else.

I have recently had my book printed. I have been writing it since day one of losing my boys, it contains all my personal journal entries and some suggestion on how I have handled different issues along the way, I hope it will be a good resource for anyone Else on this crappy journey.

Not much else to report really, we take each day as it comes and do the best we can, but all in all I miss my boys so much I really don't have the words to describe the missing...