Christmas

Only 3 sleeps till Christmas, ONLY... I have only got three days to go and I can say I have survived another without my boys, the 4th as I have previously mentioned.
For anyone who has lost a child its a particularly tough time, as if any day isn't tough, but these 'special' holiday events are tougher than usual. Its a time when we are all supposed to be happy, excited and family orientated but I have to say its hard to feel any of those things when you have children missing from Christmas morning. I am trying real hard to think of others who are in the same situation or even worse situations than me, trying really hard to focus on what I have rather than what I don't, but gee whiz its hard, it takes a lot of brain and heart power to stop the sad overwhelming the blessed that we should feel, after all I have Todd and Georgia, some people have no one....

What I have noticed this year is that although I am sad and just wishing it was all over I haven't had those feelings for as long as in previous years, its really only been the last two or so weeks that I have felt overwhelmed with the fact that they are not here, that in its self is an improvement I guess, another small step.

This will also be my first Christmas without any medication, finally after 3.5 years almost of being on anti depressants I am off them, I decided to ween my self off them some time ago, its taken a process and its been hard, I have had several melt downs along the way, just that overwhelming sense of despair, then I had to go through the headaches and nausea that accompany withdrawals but all in all I think I am doing OK, I am still feeling the effects of withdrawal but only slightly and have yet to see how I handle my first big event medication free but one can only try, I never intended to be on them for long and lets face it this is a life long journey, I have to handle it myself eventually.

My daughter goes away for 3 weeks to America in January, not sure how I will handle that, well I do actually I will make sure I am busy with work, its a great experience for her and one that I am proud to say we are able to give her, I feel also that while she is away I will have to put on the brave face a little less, as there are some days that I would really just like to come home and not function in this house, those days where I would just like to sit and be quiet. sadly it is still the case that I give so much to work and others that I have nothing left to give at home.

I am often told to look after me, most times I don't care about me as such, I just seem to exist and I guess for the most part that's the best a parent who has lost a child can hope for. For me 2009 will bring change again, I am trying to make new plans for work so I can be in control of my own days and I will also seek some help (check up from the neck up) on ways to live for the moment rather than in the past, I think that's the only way to survive how ever many more years I have till I see my boys again. Living for the moment, not the past not the future just whats going on at that point in time with those people, I guess that's what I will be trying to do on Christmas day, focusing on Georgia and Todd, and having quiet momets of reflection on the boys..

Our 4th Christmas

Its 14 days till Christmas, all I can say is thank goodness only 14 days and it will all be over. I cant believe that it will be Christmas number four without Brendon and Mat, 4, normal time does still not match my eternal calendar. Its really hard for me to get into the spirit of Christmas even though I know I must for my daughters sake, as I imagine its hard for her as well. We all cope in different ways, she's excited about getting a new phone and her impending trip to America, and although I am excited for her my heart is crushed inside at the thought of yet another year without them... I am not going to sugar coat it for anyone, its still really really hard, my logic brain tells me to be grateful(I hate that word) for those I have with me an the memories I have but my heart aches to see them again.

I know we are supposed to be happy at this time of year, but once you lose a child that 'happy' is never the same.

As far as my emotional self goes this far down the track, I find that I have been dreading Christmas for only 1 month so far, previous years I start getting upset about it earlier, I don't seem to cry as much but when I do boy do I let it out. I even set up the tree for Georgia as a surprise and when I placed the decorations made especially with their names on them I didn't cry, i just felt sad, I think that is a sign of my recovery.
I have mentioned before that for me planning has always helped, I seem to be less stressed about an event or occasion if I have a plan.

I had originally asked a friend if we could sleep over for Christmas eve, that plan did not happen so plan B has gone into place, Georgia, Todd and I will spend Christmas morning at the beach, BBQ breaky then lunch at the club, I think it will be good for Georgia and Todd, for me personally I couldn't care less if I just sat at home, but what purpose would that serve, none, not good for me either so we will try our full day and see how that goes... irrespective of what we do my heart will be aching so much for my son's.

I like most parents in this situation just want it to be over, on the positive side though, I have survived almost 4 years without the boys, strange really when I remember thinking I wouldn't survive 1 month. Clearly it becomes more doable as time goes on I'm not so sure if its any easier though....

Love and strength to all who are travelling this road.

Road safety work

An update on the ROADwhyz 'Choice & Consequence' young driver program .

As you know road safety for young drivers is a topic close to my heart having lost my own beautiful boys in a road crash that could have been avoided. As such I have been working on a road safety initiative that I have mentioned here before. We have been delivering the program now over the past 6 months, so far we have been to 6 local high schools and are about to have our first community event for parents and young drivers.

The program is getting great feedback and having some impact on the way our young people drive and their risk taking behaviour. we have has comments like:

"I am writing to say thank you for coming to our school last week. Although the information you told us and the stories you shared with us were a really big eye opener and a reality shock it was extremely good to be brought down of our high horses to face the real world of what the wrong choices can change and the consequences that those wrong choices can have.I hope that you continue educating young people about the life changing actions that can occur at the blink of an eye if they take their responsibility of driving for granted. We as young drivers need to remember that our license is not a right it is a privilege"

AND

"I am writing to thank you so much for coming to our school and not only showing us the dangers of the road, but also for waking up the current year 10 at St Joeys.

Sharing and being willing to discuss your personal stories and telling us the effects it has on yourself was very inspirational. Seeing what you’ve done and have gone through as so inspirational because, some of the stories and the things you have seen and gone through are very courageous.

Hearing and participating in this day has made me want to help people so much, I want to help prevent these devastating incidents occurring.
I want everyone to be more aware of the dangers off and even off the road.
So thank you greatly for what you have shown me and for the things you have done"

And this from a teacher:
"Last week I was asked to supervise a group of year eleven students who were participating in the Roadwhyz program. I dutifully went along in my allocated time slot and stepped straight into the most amazing experience of my teaching career.
The students were silently glued to a screen with graphic descriptions and visuals of a teenage road accident. There was a Chaplin, Police Officer, Rescue Officer and a small but intent looking lady in the room standing around looking not at the screen but carefully watching the students. Boxes of tissues were circulating and I quickly realised the power of this program.
I soon learned that the lady was Michelle, a mother, a mother who had lost her own children suddenly through a similar car accident. She was intent on ensuring that our students survive the risk of driving. All of the people presenting were intent on the same purpose. I'm sure the message was getting through.
The students heard from each of the people present, had opportunity to ask (and did) all kinds of questions from the seemingly trivial to the really hard and raw. They were provided with reading matter to support what was being presented , they were provided with emotional support and coping strategies, they had opportunity to speak with others and given the chance to realise the enormous responsibility of having a license.
I was only there for a short hour of the program but every student I have seen since is still talking about the program, every one that wasn't there has heard about how great it was, the staff are buzzing, it was the best program I have seen in a school ever.

Thank you for coming to Mount View High. I know that you have made a difference in the lives of the students here.
My own children attend junior years at Merewether High and Warners Bay High... I hope that your program is still running and gets picked up by these schools when they are of age to drive.
Good Luck Michelle.

Regards,
Liz Alder
Mount View High Teacher


As you can see the feedback is great, I have to believe we are making a difference, my boys are making a difference, after all this is all their doing. I am proud of the work that we are doing and the legacy we are creating in the memory of my son's Brendon and Mat and all other young drivers who have lost their lives this way.

Book Release

Just wanted to remind everyone that I have now had my book printed. It is available only through me at this stage at a cost of $25.00, $2.00 of every sale goes towards H.O.P.E the other $23 is spent on printing. I am also looking for a publisher of anyone has any suggestions. I would really like to get it into a book store as its the kind of book I went looking for for when I lost my boys, sadly there was nothing like it.

It contains all my un edited personal journal entries spanning over 3 years as well as some tips and suggestion on how to handle different situations eg: when people say, "your lucky you have other children" or "I know how you feel"

If you or anyone you know would like a copy you just have to post a comment.