Christmas
Only 3 sleeps till Christmas, ONLY... I have only got three days to go and I can say I have survived another without my boys, the 4th as I have previously mentioned.
For anyone who has lost a child its a particularly tough time, as if any day isn't tough, but these 'special' holiday events are tougher than usual. Its a time when we are all supposed to be happy, excited and family orientated but I have to say its hard to feel any of those things when you have children missing from Christmas morning. I am trying real hard to think of others who are in the same situation or even worse situations than me, trying really hard to focus on what I have rather than what I don't, but gee whiz its hard, it takes a lot of brain and heart power to stop the sad overwhelming the blessed that we should feel, after all I have Todd and Georgia, some people have no one....
What I have noticed this year is that although I am sad and just wishing it was all over I haven't had those feelings for as long as in previous years, its really only been the last two or so weeks that I have felt overwhelmed with the fact that they are not here, that in its self is an improvement I guess, another small step.
This will also be my first Christmas without any medication, finally after 3.5 years almost of being on anti depressants I am off them, I decided to ween my self off them some time ago, its taken a process and its been hard, I have had several melt downs along the way, just that overwhelming sense of despair, then I had to go through the headaches and nausea that accompany withdrawals but all in all I think I am doing OK, I am still feeling the effects of withdrawal but only slightly and have yet to see how I handle my first big event medication free but one can only try, I never intended to be on them for long and lets face it this is a life long journey, I have to handle it myself eventually.
My daughter goes away for 3 weeks to America in January, not sure how I will handle that, well I do actually I will make sure I am busy with work, its a great experience for her and one that I am proud to say we are able to give her, I feel also that while she is away I will have to put on the brave face a little less, as there are some days that I would really just like to come home and not function in this house, those days where I would just like to sit and be quiet. sadly it is still the case that I give so much to work and others that I have nothing left to give at home.
I am often told to look after me, most times I don't care about me as such, I just seem to exist and I guess for the most part that's the best a parent who has lost a child can hope for. For me 2009 will bring change again, I am trying to make new plans for work so I can be in control of my own days and I will also seek some help (check up from the neck up) on ways to live for the moment rather than in the past, I think that's the only way to survive how ever many more years I have till I see my boys again. Living for the moment, not the past not the future just whats going on at that point in time with those people, I guess that's what I will be trying to do on Christmas day, focusing on Georgia and Todd, and having quiet momets of reflection on the boys..
For anyone who has lost a child its a particularly tough time, as if any day isn't tough, but these 'special' holiday events are tougher than usual. Its a time when we are all supposed to be happy, excited and family orientated but I have to say its hard to feel any of those things when you have children missing from Christmas morning. I am trying real hard to think of others who are in the same situation or even worse situations than me, trying really hard to focus on what I have rather than what I don't, but gee whiz its hard, it takes a lot of brain and heart power to stop the sad overwhelming the blessed that we should feel, after all I have Todd and Georgia, some people have no one....
What I have noticed this year is that although I am sad and just wishing it was all over I haven't had those feelings for as long as in previous years, its really only been the last two or so weeks that I have felt overwhelmed with the fact that they are not here, that in its self is an improvement I guess, another small step.
This will also be my first Christmas without any medication, finally after 3.5 years almost of being on anti depressants I am off them, I decided to ween my self off them some time ago, its taken a process and its been hard, I have had several melt downs along the way, just that overwhelming sense of despair, then I had to go through the headaches and nausea that accompany withdrawals but all in all I think I am doing OK, I am still feeling the effects of withdrawal but only slightly and have yet to see how I handle my first big event medication free but one can only try, I never intended to be on them for long and lets face it this is a life long journey, I have to handle it myself eventually.
My daughter goes away for 3 weeks to America in January, not sure how I will handle that, well I do actually I will make sure I am busy with work, its a great experience for her and one that I am proud to say we are able to give her, I feel also that while she is away I will have to put on the brave face a little less, as there are some days that I would really just like to come home and not function in this house, those days where I would just like to sit and be quiet. sadly it is still the case that I give so much to work and others that I have nothing left to give at home.
I am often told to look after me, most times I don't care about me as such, I just seem to exist and I guess for the most part that's the best a parent who has lost a child can hope for. For me 2009 will bring change again, I am trying to make new plans for work so I can be in control of my own days and I will also seek some help (check up from the neck up) on ways to live for the moment rather than in the past, I think that's the only way to survive how ever many more years I have till I see my boys again. Living for the moment, not the past not the future just whats going on at that point in time with those people, I guess that's what I will be trying to do on Christmas day, focusing on Georgia and Todd, and having quiet momets of reflection on the boys..
posted by Michelle @ 10:01 AM
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