Our 4th Christmas
Its 14 days till Christmas, all I can say is thank goodness only 14 days and it will all be over. I cant believe that it will be Christmas number four without Brendon and Mat, 4, normal time does still not match my eternal calendar. Its really hard for me to get into the spirit of Christmas even though I know I must for my daughters sake, as I imagine its hard for her as well. We all cope in different ways, she's excited about getting a new phone and her impending trip to America, and although I am excited for her my heart is crushed inside at the thought of yet another year without them... I am not going to sugar coat it for anyone, its still really really hard, my logic brain tells me to be grateful(I hate that word) for those I have with me an the memories I have but my heart aches to see them again.
I know we are supposed to be happy at this time of year, but once you lose a child that 'happy' is never the same.
As far as my emotional self goes this far down the track, I find that I have been dreading Christmas for only 1 month so far, previous years I start getting upset about it earlier, I don't seem to cry as much but when I do boy do I let it out. I even set up the tree for Georgia as a surprise and when I placed the decorations made especially with their names on them I didn't cry, i just felt sad, I think that is a sign of my recovery.
I have mentioned before that for me planning has always helped, I seem to be less stressed about an event or occasion if I have a plan.
I had originally asked a friend if we could sleep over for Christmas eve, that plan did not happen so plan B has gone into place, Georgia, Todd and I will spend Christmas morning at the beach, BBQ breaky then lunch at the club, I think it will be good for Georgia and Todd, for me personally I couldn't care less if I just sat at home, but what purpose would that serve, none, not good for me either so we will try our full day and see how that goes... irrespective of what we do my heart will be aching so much for my son's.
I like most parents in this situation just want it to be over, on the positive side though, I have survived almost 4 years without the boys, strange really when I remember thinking I wouldn't survive 1 month. Clearly it becomes more doable as time goes on I'm not so sure if its any easier though....
Love and strength to all who are travelling this road.
I know we are supposed to be happy at this time of year, but once you lose a child that 'happy' is never the same.
As far as my emotional self goes this far down the track, I find that I have been dreading Christmas for only 1 month so far, previous years I start getting upset about it earlier, I don't seem to cry as much but when I do boy do I let it out. I even set up the tree for Georgia as a surprise and when I placed the decorations made especially with their names on them I didn't cry, i just felt sad, I think that is a sign of my recovery.
I have mentioned before that for me planning has always helped, I seem to be less stressed about an event or occasion if I have a plan.
I had originally asked a friend if we could sleep over for Christmas eve, that plan did not happen so plan B has gone into place, Georgia, Todd and I will spend Christmas morning at the beach, BBQ breaky then lunch at the club, I think it will be good for Georgia and Todd, for me personally I couldn't care less if I just sat at home, but what purpose would that serve, none, not good for me either so we will try our full day and see how that goes... irrespective of what we do my heart will be aching so much for my son's.
I like most parents in this situation just want it to be over, on the positive side though, I have survived almost 4 years without the boys, strange really when I remember thinking I wouldn't survive 1 month. Clearly it becomes more doable as time goes on I'm not so sure if its any easier though....
Love and strength to all who are travelling this road.
posted by Michelle @ 2:15 PM
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