An update
Its been some months since I last wrote in my journal, seems life has become so busy again I no longer have time to sit and write about how I feel, or perhaps more to the point I don't have the need to do it as much as I once did.
Following on from the last post we, I survived Christmas it came and went with little fuss, we spent the morning, Georgia, Todd and I at the beach bright an early, they went for a surf and I sat and watched, we were met later by my Friend, her hubby and kids and we had breakfast at the beach, it was really quite nice and Georgia had a great time, we shall do the same this year I think.
My daughter went off to America, she had a good time and I survived without her. We spoke often on the phone, she got a little home sick and I cant cant describe the feeling I had when I saw her arrive back at Sydney airport safe in my arms again..
we settled in to 2009 with nothing major planned, I really wanted to re assess my work situation as I was getting very over caring about other peoples stuff, I plodded on for many months as usual looking for a way out, knowing that I didn't want to jump into the same kind of work I was already doing, don't get me wrong I liked my job and the people I worked with I just more time wondering why, whats it all for..anyway I continued to work at the little ladies gym where I worked as a casual, I also decided to join another personal gym for me, somewhere where I could get re motivated, where someone could get me back into the land of the living, I was able to do work that was no problem, its the living at home without the kids that's the continuing hard part. I plodded on at this personal gym until I got to the point where I was offered a job there, I loved it once again I was 'enjoying' something, I make note of that because I said I would never enjoy anything again let alone an old passion of mine the gym, but anyway I was enjoying it , I love to help people achieve and motivate others, in doing that you help yourself as well, well that's how it works for me, anyway just this Sept, the 1st to be precise I took over ownership and management of the gym, its a scary and exciting time with lost of change and some very big learning curves.
Initially I thought it would be great because I work in the morning an the evening giving me the middle of the day to me, if I didn't want to work I didn't want to work I didn't have to if I wanted to shop I could if I wanted to watch TV I could, how wrong was I , so far I haven't had much time at all to my self, but there is a different sense of motivation when you know your only dealing with your own stuff and that everything I do will be for us.
My daughter thinks she might like to be PT in the army (this month) but is in to sport anyway so this business will help her. My husband takes care of all the financial stuff as that's just not my thing and my brain is not really up for it, I still get every easily overwhelmed and have to stop and pull back every now and then. I don't think my mushy brain will ever go away but it certainly has improved.
As for my heart well, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of my beautiful boys, Mat will be 21 next year in June I'm already trying the fathem another 21st without the actual child, my big boy would be a young man now of 23, who knows what he would be doing now his mate is at UNI and now has a girlfriend, all the things my sons will never get to do, I guess I kind of live vicariously through those young men now and wonder what mine would be doing.
Sometimes I feel slack that life goes on, that I have gone on, and guilt still washes over me on occasion when I feel I am actually happy about something, I expect that will always be the case.
I miss my boys terribly and I know that pain will never leave me, I often get sick of people telling me your boys would want you to be happy, its only words really, who knows what they would want, I ll never know all I know is that I have to live the best I can for Georgia, she needs me so that drives me on.
Relationships are still a struggle from time to time clearly that close connection with people is something I still need to work on, hard to love really closely when your heart is broken in two and that's how I still feel.
All in all I guess I am living proof that you can survive the loss of a child, you can build a life again and you can get used to the new normal you have to create.
Thankfully for me I have two passions, my support group HOPE which is still going strong, we are even about to build a children's memorial garden dedicated to all of our angels and my road safety project ROADwhyz is just getting bigger and bigger, we have now seen over 5000 young drivers and drivers to be, the message is powerful and in some small way helping to change young peoples behaviour about how they use the roads.
Things are all going OK, we have Christmas approaching again, we have plans in place and will also go away for a week, which I am looking forward to, again as you can see you can look forward to something as well, I remember my mentor on this journey, Vera telling me that I thought she was full of, well you know what, but as she promissed it is all ok, you can do it an the tough days seem to get further apart... Besides I know the boys are with me so I will try to do my best to be a role model for them just as I have always tried.
Following on from the last post we, I survived Christmas it came and went with little fuss, we spent the morning, Georgia, Todd and I at the beach bright an early, they went for a surf and I sat and watched, we were met later by my Friend, her hubby and kids and we had breakfast at the beach, it was really quite nice and Georgia had a great time, we shall do the same this year I think.
My daughter went off to America, she had a good time and I survived without her. We spoke often on the phone, she got a little home sick and I cant cant describe the feeling I had when I saw her arrive back at Sydney airport safe in my arms again..
we settled in to 2009 with nothing major planned, I really wanted to re assess my work situation as I was getting very over caring about other peoples stuff, I plodded on for many months as usual looking for a way out, knowing that I didn't want to jump into the same kind of work I was already doing, don't get me wrong I liked my job and the people I worked with I just more time wondering why, whats it all for..anyway I continued to work at the little ladies gym where I worked as a casual, I also decided to join another personal gym for me, somewhere where I could get re motivated, where someone could get me back into the land of the living, I was able to do work that was no problem, its the living at home without the kids that's the continuing hard part. I plodded on at this personal gym until I got to the point where I was offered a job there, I loved it once again I was 'enjoying' something, I make note of that because I said I would never enjoy anything again let alone an old passion of mine the gym, but anyway I was enjoying it , I love to help people achieve and motivate others, in doing that you help yourself as well, well that's how it works for me, anyway just this Sept, the 1st to be precise I took over ownership and management of the gym, its a scary and exciting time with lost of change and some very big learning curves.
Initially I thought it would be great because I work in the morning an the evening giving me the middle of the day to me, if I didn't want to work I didn't want to work I didn't have to if I wanted to shop I could if I wanted to watch TV I could, how wrong was I , so far I haven't had much time at all to my self, but there is a different sense of motivation when you know your only dealing with your own stuff and that everything I do will be for us.
My daughter thinks she might like to be PT in the army (this month) but is in to sport anyway so this business will help her. My husband takes care of all the financial stuff as that's just not my thing and my brain is not really up for it, I still get every easily overwhelmed and have to stop and pull back every now and then. I don't think my mushy brain will ever go away but it certainly has improved.
As for my heart well, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of my beautiful boys, Mat will be 21 next year in June I'm already trying the fathem another 21st without the actual child, my big boy would be a young man now of 23, who knows what he would be doing now his mate is at UNI and now has a girlfriend, all the things my sons will never get to do, I guess I kind of live vicariously through those young men now and wonder what mine would be doing.
Sometimes I feel slack that life goes on, that I have gone on, and guilt still washes over me on occasion when I feel I am actually happy about something, I expect that will always be the case.
I miss my boys terribly and I know that pain will never leave me, I often get sick of people telling me your boys would want you to be happy, its only words really, who knows what they would want, I ll never know all I know is that I have to live the best I can for Georgia, she needs me so that drives me on.
Relationships are still a struggle from time to time clearly that close connection with people is something I still need to work on, hard to love really closely when your heart is broken in two and that's how I still feel.
All in all I guess I am living proof that you can survive the loss of a child, you can build a life again and you can get used to the new normal you have to create.
Thankfully for me I have two passions, my support group HOPE which is still going strong, we are even about to build a children's memorial garden dedicated to all of our angels and my road safety project ROADwhyz is just getting bigger and bigger, we have now seen over 5000 young drivers and drivers to be, the message is powerful and in some small way helping to change young peoples behaviour about how they use the roads.
Things are all going OK, we have Christmas approaching again, we have plans in place and will also go away for a week, which I am looking forward to, again as you can see you can look forward to something as well, I remember my mentor on this journey, Vera telling me that I thought she was full of, well you know what, but as she promissed it is all ok, you can do it an the tough days seem to get further apart... Besides I know the boys are with me so I will try to do my best to be a role model for them just as I have always tried.
posted by Michelle @ 10:50 AM
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