Just an entry
Its been 14 months and 1 week since the deaths of my son's, how are we doing some might ask?
Well no change really, some days better than others, some (as my friend describes it) potholes bigger than others. There are some days when I feel that 'I can actually breath today, today I have control' and still there are others as I am sure will always be the way, where I feel so sad, so lost and out of control, I hardly feel like I can continue on.... There is not a day or even moment when the boys are not on my mind, but more often than not now I think about them, and the way they were, there little ways and things they did, rather than the accident scene, the night of the accident and the chaos that engulfed us all.
Home seems to be calmer and I guess that's because I am perhaps a bit calmer, don't get me wrong, I still cry in the morning and cry at night, they are the hardest times of the day, those routines that only a mum can appreciate are the ones I miss the most, but in general I seem to be able to get through a working day ok now, I often steal a moment where I might duck away and just shed a quiet tear. I still only work 3 days a week and that seems to be all my mind can handle at present, I look forward to my 'down time' days, those days I spend in the garden or doing the house work or just watching the telly, what ever I feel like on the day, I don't plan anything I just take it as I feel on the day.
My daughter still struggles of course with the loss of her brothers but also the loss of her mum as she knew her, it seems as I feel like I am improving and taking on life again she feels that I am still ' off balance' as she puts it, I guess she wont understand until she becomes a mum just how the having children can make you and losing them can break you, I will never be the same person I was before July the 14th 2005, actually I don't think any of us will ever be the same, but in time I am sure she will come to see just how hard I try to be the best I can for her.
Its taken at least 12 months before I could care less how my hair looked, how I felt or what I ate, I know that in order to deal with grief I have to be strong and healthy, all the books tell you that, what they don't tell you is how to find the motivation to do just that,how do you look after yourself when the people you were supposed to look after the most are gone? Sometimes I feel guilty if I feel like going to exercise, or if some one says "you look nice today" I know that is survivor guilt and that is something I have to deal with. Slowly but surely I will come around, some things are just not high on my priority list, but I am trying.
Something I have learnt since the loss of my boy's is just how precious life is, how every moment should not be taken for granted or anything or anyone, you just never know, I have said before, the what if's have become a harsh reality for me.
Well no change really, some days better than others, some (as my friend describes it) potholes bigger than others. There are some days when I feel that 'I can actually breath today, today I have control' and still there are others as I am sure will always be the way, where I feel so sad, so lost and out of control, I hardly feel like I can continue on.... There is not a day or even moment when the boys are not on my mind, but more often than not now I think about them, and the way they were, there little ways and things they did, rather than the accident scene, the night of the accident and the chaos that engulfed us all.
Home seems to be calmer and I guess that's because I am perhaps a bit calmer, don't get me wrong, I still cry in the morning and cry at night, they are the hardest times of the day, those routines that only a mum can appreciate are the ones I miss the most, but in general I seem to be able to get through a working day ok now, I often steal a moment where I might duck away and just shed a quiet tear. I still only work 3 days a week and that seems to be all my mind can handle at present, I look forward to my 'down time' days, those days I spend in the garden or doing the house work or just watching the telly, what ever I feel like on the day, I don't plan anything I just take it as I feel on the day.
My daughter still struggles of course with the loss of her brothers but also the loss of her mum as she knew her, it seems as I feel like I am improving and taking on life again she feels that I am still ' off balance' as she puts it, I guess she wont understand until she becomes a mum just how the having children can make you and losing them can break you, I will never be the same person I was before July the 14th 2005, actually I don't think any of us will ever be the same, but in time I am sure she will come to see just how hard I try to be the best I can for her.
Its taken at least 12 months before I could care less how my hair looked, how I felt or what I ate, I know that in order to deal with grief I have to be strong and healthy, all the books tell you that, what they don't tell you is how to find the motivation to do just that,how do you look after yourself when the people you were supposed to look after the most are gone? Sometimes I feel guilty if I feel like going to exercise, or if some one says "you look nice today" I know that is survivor guilt and that is something I have to deal with. Slowly but surely I will come around, some things are just not high on my priority list, but I am trying.
Something I have learnt since the loss of my boy's is just how precious life is, how every moment should not be taken for granted or anything or anyone, you just never know, I have said before, the what if's have become a harsh reality for me.
posted by Michelle @ 7:02 PM
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